Kill Tony #789

Motherfuckers, but I'm celebrating tonight. Damn right tonight marks 27 years since I had my last drink of liquor. Give it a fuck up. Ain't had a drink of liquor in 27 years. I ain't smoked a joint in 27 minutes. No, no, I had a problem, y'all. I had to go to rehab. I did. I knew I had a problem when I went through McDonald's drive-thru. Ordered just a straw. Kid said, you want fries with that? I said, no, I'm getting fried with that motherfucker. Any of y'all been to rehab? Yeah, me and you, bro. Everybody else in here is a fucking Amy Winehouse. Y'all know Amy died at 27, right? Are y'all familiar with that entertainer curse? F…

Who had a set of G's to start the night off tonight, huh? God damn. Sex is great for me, you know? Because my girlfriend, she's 50, and I'm blue-collar grimace. I got to get personal with you guys. I like a finger in my belly button. So when I'm fucking her doggie, I can pick my belly button up, like pulling a bowling ball out of a bowling bag, you know? Throw it on her back like a prison honey bun. 12 seconds and 50 micropumps later, I'm sweating. I'm cramping up. My balls are dragging on her quilt like 40 grit sandpaper, buddy. She looks back at me. She's like, when are you going to stick it in? Fuck. Switch. Your turn. Get on…

What's up, everybody? Anybody ever got their ass beat as a kid? You see how happy they fucking sound? You gotta beat your motherfucking kids. But don't Lindsay them, you know what I'm saying? You gotta beat them. My mom would beat my ass and take me to McDonald's. It was the weirdest form of therapy, man. She would beat me and then give me a McFlurry like it was hush money. And that shit worked, bro. Like, it actually worked. One time I saw a kid with two McFlurries, and I was like, we got to call CPS. I know you're not wearing that hoodie because you're cold, all right? Like, blink twice, bitch. You know what I'm saying? It's to…

What's up, Kill Tony? I'm pretty sure that my roommates are stealing my soap. I knew they were stealing my food. So I hid me leftover soup in a shampoo bottle. And now they fucking smell delicious. So I was adopted twice. You can do that. You can just give them back. The second man who adopted me, he was born in Dallas, Texas in 1921. So I was actually, you know, like raised racist. We were also really poor. All of our sheets had holes in them. My dad used to pay my allowance in Confederate money. He said, this ain't worth much now, but hold on to it. I quit drinking nine years ago, and I quit being racist seven years ago. It was…

Everybody, so I saw that the lady that wrote Harry Potter, she was borderline homeless when she was working on the book. And that made a lot of sense to me, because I can't think of a better way of coming up with that story than being surrounded by crackheads. Like, I can see it in my head. Like, she's got the notebook walking around, there's a crackhead in the corner, like... She's like, hey, buddy, what you got going on? There's a school for wizards. Oh, that's pretty good. Okay. How do you get to this school? You gotta get invited by now. All right, that's a pretty good idea. She has to do no work. You know, she keeps walking,…

Hey, how many Gen Z does it take to screw in a light bulb? Six, seven? When I say Papamia, you say Papapia. Hey, what do people with dementia like to draw? A blank. My gay friend hung himself. I'm not going to make a joke about him. That would be low-hanging fruit. Wow.

A lot of people think we might be living in like a simulation or like we're characters in a video game. That one bothers me because it tells me the guy playing me is also broke. He won't buy any of the credits. He's just playing the free version over and over again. It's brutal, dude. I'm really excited to be here. I actually just left my job to pursue comedy full time just a couple months ago. Living the dream. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I couldn't do the corporate life anymore. You know, one-on-one meetings, fluorescent lights. The last straw for me was when they fired me. They brought me into this room and they were like, you know…

What you know about? Stop lying to me. If you got an OnlyFans, you have Adderall. Then why are you so motivated for your OnlyFans? I'm tired. Help me. Every girl with an OnlyFans got an Adderall and a vape prescription that she drop on the floor. Oh, okay, I'm the only one dating a nigga with an OnlyFans. Don't nobody get no pussy. Speaking of addictions, why didn't anybody prepare us for the disappointed judgment of asking another adult for a charger? Why them niggas so upset at us? They treat us like you a child. They look at you like you fucking child. You don't have a... Oh, mommy didn't pack a charger for you. You didn't kno…

I was doing this show recently, and I was really distracted by a very heavyset woman sitting right in the front. And I'm not making fun of her for being big, but she was wearing one of those shirts that say pink. So it said pink right across her chest, except the bottom part of the P was squished right in between her boob and belly like this. So the whole time I just thought it said oink. Holy shit, that is a confident lady. I thought it was Lizzo's new clothing line. I was like, let's go. You know, I'm sure you guys have all heard that stigma, like the coolest you can feel as a white person is being invited to the black cookout,…

Hey, what's up, everybody? Yeah, my name is Patrick. I'm kind of a weird guy. Occasionally I masturbate. Someone once, a friend of mine, he told me a sore dick is kind of like a good deal. You just can't beat it. I really got to take a break, kid, he told me. Thankfully, I don't have a kid because I beat my dick. If my dick were a kid, I probably wouldn't have custody of it because I'd beat the shit out of it. It's bad. If my dick were some eggs, they'd be scrambled. But I'm working on cooking them over easy, if you know what I mean. Kind of like a couple of poached eggs for a nice Benedict. I've got the hollandaise. Hakuna matat…

Guys, my name is Joey. Which is gay for Joseph. Guys, I know my name's gay because really straight guys won't say it. You know who I'm talking about when I say you're a really straight guy? Guy who shakes your hand too hard? Guy who lowers his voice a whole octave just to sound more badass? Yeah, real Uncle Lazer, top filler. Guys, I met Uncle Lazer before. I shook his hand. Said, my name's Joey, nice to meet you. Looked me in the eye and said, nice to meet you, Joe. You just drop that Y like it was a gay baby. Oops. I wasn't, you know, mad. You know, I'm used to people dropping the Y, right? You know, I'm just curious. You think…

I realized that I don't know much about the Epstein files. The other day I just Googled, is Pizzagate real? And then Google gave me that notification that said, hey, Google would like to know your location. And I was like, I ain't that curious. That's crazy. I literally went back in my phone and typed in, my bad, and I threw it away. I was like, not today, Netanyahu, not today. The craziest thing I learned, apparently, is Ghislaine Maxwell's dad owned McGraw-Hill, the textbook company that made all the American textbooks when I was a student. It's like, damn, that's how evil they were, huh? They kidnapped kids and gave them homew…

Hello, my name is Jose Manuel Cisneros. I will tell joke now. No, I don't really talk like that, you racist. But I am Mexican, so I do procreate. I have four boys. One is 21, 19, and 18. I call them the original trilogy. And then we have a nine-year-old, which I'm still kind of debating the reboot or the prequel. So we're debating that, but... If any of you guys have kids, the other day, me and the soon-to-be ex-wife, we're cleaning the house because we're going to have people over for something. And he's playing Minecraft in the living room, and it's cool. An hour before I say, hey, Reboot, can you please get off the game? He sa…

Uh, how y'all doing? I was talking to my liberal friend the other day. He was telling me black people can't be racist. It's like a power structure thing. There's like layers to it and all. Which I thought was pretty wild. I thought we were done telling black people what they can't do. You know what I mean? Like, I don't engage in that activity. Every time I see my black friends, I'm like, dude, you could be as racist as you. Fucking put your minds who don't listen to these gay nerds Don't fucking do it. All right No, but I'm happy for black guys. They kind of have like the Mario star for racism right now You know they could run t…

There's something I need to get off my chest. Hooker poop. So let's get the show on the road. I'm trying to get home. Gonna wash off. Let me ask you right in the front. What's the difference between cryptocurrency and monopoly money? You can't pay a blind hooker in crypto. That's right. Halloween around the corner. That special time of year you're allowed to say spook. And give candy to kids. It's like the purge for racist pedophiles. You ever notice how many whores go to themselves for Halloween? What's going on with that? No holiday spirit. Apple bobbing season. My favorite time to deep throat a fruit. Okay, that is enough for…