KT Minutes

I'm Irish and Filipino - which is why I kinda look like I'm on the spectrum. I have what my doctor calls resting special ed face. It's my dad that's Filipino and we don't look much alike, like he used to pick me up from school when I was a kid. My teachers would be like,

Hey, you bitches, y'all ready to party? Hey, but listen, there's two things you don't do at a party, okay? You don't talk about God, you don't talk about politics. So let's talk about the Jews. Listen, now listen, I need you to know I'm from a small town, okay? Where I'm from, we burn trash for fun. We fuck our relatives because it's cost effective. I don't know shit about no Jew. I never seen no Jew. Where I'm from, there's no Jews. Jews. Where I'm originally from, we used to put them in summer camps. I went to New York and they got a different type of Jew— acidic, orange juice Jews. Hey, look, man, I'm a fucking retard, okay? But I saw there's a hot dog stand, I was gonna go get me a glizzy. Okay. And I…

You know people are gonna tell you that women want you more when you have like a girlfriend or a wife, becayse they want what they can't have. But I'm here to tell y'all it's just becayse we look better... because we're better kept. have y'all seen single dudes ? Single dudes look and smell like what happens after kicking ice cubes under the refrigerator. And then the radiation melt the ice and then the mold come in and then it form a body and crawl and is like,

I'm nervous I'm real nervous though. I didn't know it was gonna be like this. I only got a minute dudes, so sit down. I wanted Tony to do my entrance earlier man, but they said he wasn't allowed within 50 metres of the kids. I'm gonna call it before y'all go heel on your boy.

Hey. I don't give a fuck if you get off on my set or not tonight, 'cause all of you and you make sure I get off later tonight and the rest of my life. God made this pussy on the eight day. That's right, he said, "World this is good but you need to be wetter.". That's right, my pussy is so divine, when God commissioned the sixteenth chapel, he was reaching out to finger my pussy. That's right. But the Catholic church said nooooo. But who do they come to for holy water ? Me. Rellllax. I've blessed this whole stadium. That's right. Another reason I know my pussy is so divine is - oh why ? Because it can turn water into wine. And you know how I know this ? Because my ex husband and my current boyfriend are…

Thanks for bringing me back Tony. Huh, Kill Tony. I could think of ways to kill Tony in 60 seconds. I would just sit on his face and call that finisher, rest in yeast. But you know what, I would feel really comfortable here. It's just WWE. Lot of trauma, lot of daddy issues in WWE. There's a lot of job security in our HR department. It's just like a Kill Tony guest with the job security of being disabled. But hey, listen, as a woman who's disability is having massive amounts of testosterone, I... sorry Tony. My 60 seconds. Listen Tony, being backstage looking at the men who are oiled is kinda creepy, I just wanna let you know. You look like a little bitch. You're so small I could probably use you as a tampon.…

Did you meet Red Dawn? I mean forget about Kane it's the Undertaker, how awesome is that right? I'm supposed to do like 60 seconds of stand up, so guys hang with my alright. You know I lost my mind after I got out of wrestling and went into politics, and as someone who has done both now I can tell you that politics is just like wrestling, it's just not nearly as entertaining. In wrestling we got great heels like Rowdy Roddy Piper and Rick Flair... Randy Orton. In politics we've got Dr Anthony Fauci. And here's the thing, I'm not even talking about the Covid stuff okay. This dude funded experiments in which Beagles were tortured to death. Kane is a sadistic monster, but even he loves puppies. And if you think…

Can't transcribe the song, just go listen to it

Hey, abolish ice. Whose idea was that? The Heat Miser? Okay, so cool. Taker, don't get any ideas. I, uh, so cool. Swanton Bomb. I don't give a fuck. Cut the lights out. I'm going a cappella. I got to get out of here. I'm supposed to go to the Sphere and watch Cannibal Holocaust. There's nothing more dangerous than a man with nothing to lose. So cool. Y'all serve napalm here? I am so sick to think about, especially around the holidays. Come on, no one can go up any higher. I broke your special mic. Give me 10 less minutes. A lot of people say they can't fall asleep without ambient noise. Not me. I can only fall asleep if I listen to ambient noise. Steal a car, steal a car, become a goose, you're a goose now. I…

I cannot even begin to try and transcribe this shit, just go watch it.

My names Chris Waldeck. I'm 34 years old and I'm autistic. I appreciate the applause but don't clap too loud, you see I'm a little but different, I'm what called the lower end of the spectrum, because I thought I wasn't autistic til I was 28 years old. And y'all are chuckling because you all figured it out as soon I walked on the stage. That's how I know I'm on the lower-end of the spectrum. In fact I'm so on the spectrum if y'all had clapped any louder for me being autistic I would have had to start counting. You know what age most kids find out they are autistic? Two. And I didn't find out until 28. You know, what the fuck my parents were doing. Like I may be autistic, but my parents are damn retarded. My…

Reddbbaaaaan. This summer at Bash at the Beach me and Mean Gene Oakerland are gonna tag team... your mmmooooom! I love how the Undertaker's manager was named paul bearer, if I were a wrestler, my manager's named would be Robin... William Blind. Okay let's keep moving... Fuckkkk. Remember when Redban's mom used to wrestle, I think her name was Yoko Zuna. No but seriously if I were a professional wrestler my manager's named would be Willy... Willy bad at booking me at any decent comedy clubs. If I were a wrestler my finishing move would be putting jet fuel in my mouth and spitting out flames, but then Alex Jones said jet fuel can't melt steel chairs.

I'm from New York City. I don't know you guys act like you don't fucking understand me. But I can speak any language. I look at somebody who's Spanish. Where are you? I throw one word out you. What's up? Let me get a bacon, egg, and cheese, poppy. You know, people do it to Italians all time. They come to fucking Little Lily and they start acting Italian. The guy's got freckles and shit. Let me get a chicken cutlet, parmesan, fresh mousinel, red peppers. Tell your sister's your son. I said, how you done? That's fucking Norwegian. You know where you never do it, though? You never see nobody go to a Chinese restaurant to act in Chinese, no? Le-ho Mao! Let me get a pork fried rice. Don't forget the wonton suit.…

Hello. Has anyone got crap nicknames? Show of hands if they have a crap nickname? No? Just me? Fuck you guys. All right. No, I just wanted to say because, like, you know, when you get a crap nickname, like, bugger face or, like, numpty or something horrible like that. Jelly roll. Maybe you could attest. Maybe you could attest. I don't know. But it always comes from the ones you love. You know what I mean? It's never from people you hate. Like my granddad, when I was a fat kid, called me Buster Bacon. Not as bad as my little brother. He called him Adolf. And his justification for all that was is whenever he screamed, he got exactly what he wanted. I mean, he could have called him Donald. It would have worked…

You know how embarrassing it is to be named after a Batman and having to hobble out here like the penguin? Oh man, it's, like it's an interesting life. Like, so many people, like, they assume that they don't know what my politics are going to be. Just, they're like, look at this guy. It's like, he has to lean right. You guys are fun. I became a homeowner recently. Yeah, yeah, thank you, thank you. It's a rab four. Oh, man. I live in it, so it's more of a rab fort, okay? I'm getting older in my life. Like, you know, I've gotten to the point. I think, like, my favorite candy now or cough drops, you know? They're just menthol-flavored jolly ranchers, you know? I've hit the point in my life where it's, like, I'm…

So I'm a man, so I get a little discouraged about the double standard that exists online between men and women. For example, a girl can post herself at the beach wearing a bikini. Gets thousands of likes, hundreds of comments from other girls. Same things like, yes, queen. Sleigh girl. Pop-off diva. I say one innocent comment like, wow, would a babe, and I get blasted? They say creep. They say loser. Or most often they say, wow, dude, you? She's only 11. Can you believe these people? So I don't do many impressions. I do one. This is my impression of a Latina, but not just any Latina. This is one that is both brilliant and gorgeous. So give me a second. Well, I get in the character. Soi Mexicana, so I'm…

Oh, my God. Did you guys see that homeless woman with her tits hanging out on 6th Street? Yeah, wearing a mask. Yeah, I said, what are you, a Democrat? So I am originally. I am originally from Iran, Nebraska. Yeah. I was at the airport, and I don't know if you've seen that sign that says no guns allowed in the airplane. Yeah, you know, that same sign in the Middle East reads, no stones allowed in the airplane. But AK-47 is okay, because those virgins can get out of control. I got guns in my head, and it won't go. Spheres in my head, and it won't go. I got guns. And then another sign right under that that reads, Not Responsible for Lost Lems. I got guns in my head and it won't go. Oh, you missed the stone. Oh,…

Here we go. What's up? I'm trying to talk to more women now, but it should be good because I don't have autism because, well, I've never been tested. and I think that's how you beat it. I think that's the only cure I've heard of, but my brother, he got tested, right? So they got him. And you can't give it back. People always, they're like, does he have it full on? I'm like, well, it's not part-time. It's not weekends hit the club Monday, back to puzzles. I did try to get tested, too, when I was in Canada, where it's free there, but they're busy. So they, you know, they phone me back. They're like, sorry, sir. The wait time is seven years. I was like, what the fuck? To find out of my autism? Seven years? No,…

Did y'all know that a company can buy your debt from somebody else? Jefferson Capital emailed me, and they said, hey, we bought your debt from Sprint. You owe us money now. No, nigger, you bought it. That's yours now. If I leave a dog outside and you adopt the dog, it's not on me to feed the dog, right? That's not America. That's your debt now. I know Sprint, nigger. I don't know you. I know Sarah as Sprint. Sarah know why I couldn't pay and why I was putting something on it. Jefferson Capital, nigga, I can't even Google y'all. I'm never gonna, what the, what kind of a stupid-ass company by debt from other people? Niggas that go online and they feed the homeless on HD cameras? What kind of shit? You think I'm…

Hello. I'm in a YouTube rabbit hole right now. Anyone else? Yeah. I'm into young bros beating up pedophiles on the internet. Have you seen this? Oh, my goodness. It's phenomenal. The way it works, it's like, young bro starts catfishing a pedophile, meets him out in a Walmart. He's just like, hey, you, you looking for Rebecca? I'm Rebecca Goddard. Just hits him. Bounces off the chips aisle. He's like, let me alone. He's running through. He crashes through a giant soda tower that looks like the University of Texas. And I like these videos, but I started to feel guilty when you find out that these guys, they have autism or mental disabilities or they're running for re-election. And I just feel guilty I feel…

The end of the day, I'm just a hick-ass farmer from Cattle Mills, Texas. And the thing about this, if you know anything about farmers, and the only reason they have kids is to, like, carry on the farm and the cheap farm labor. Well, I was an only child and a fuck-up at that. So when my dad died, that's why the farm fell, and I'm out here doing comedy. that up too. It's crazy though. We were so broke that when my dad died, all I inherited was a porn collection. And here's the thing. I used to buy my dad porn. So I've already seen a third of this collection and I don't have enough bodily fluids for the other two-thirds of this collection. I'll be damned if I'm going to rehab for masturbation addiction. That's…

Now, I came out here, I'm a little angry, but I'm not angry with y'all. I don't like the motherfuckers that's outside, so I came up with a few ways. to destroy the world and I only got a minute to do so. The first one would be for you religious motherfuckers. I want whoever you believe in, Jesus, Muhammad, whoever, I hope you come so that way the rest of us can be out here screaming like, holy shit. You can't say that shit because God is here. The second way, you already got Donald Trump in there doing this thing working on Israel. We working on them bombs. That would be funny, but fuck that. We're living that one. Now, the third way, fucking thriller. I want my goddamn zombies I've been watching the walking…

Elon Musk is making Neuralink. so people can talk to their pets. Aw, now they can tell us just how much they love us. I don't know, but I've thought about it fucking a lot. Imagine dog dads having the neuter talk. After a painful conversation about cutting their balls off, they'd be like, please, Poppy, I promise to keep my picker in my pants. Dudes would be so traumatized. They'd never neuter dogs ever again. And the straight population would go, way out of control. And if dogs didn't talk, they can understand TV. Imagine coming home to find your dog watching AOC on C-SPAN. Poppy, she's so smart. Next day, dog's on the doorstep of a shelter with a note. Good dog, but he's a fucking Democrat. Thank you.

Just yesterday, you guys know that America raised its age limit to 42 for the draft. and prior marijuana convictions don't matter. Wow, what an army you're building. And so 40-year-old losers. You know, in Estonia, we don't have any limits. We have compulsory military service. We're too small to pick. Everyone goes. Wheelchair people, we send them. Oh yeah, we put a grenade in your lap and down syndrome people, we send them. Send them. Oh yeah, we have a whole squad. Estonian Special Forces. You think Special Forces means somebody rappels down and has night vision nights? It's Nicholas with a soft serve ice cream. We send them! We get them all together in a parking lot, we connect them with a rope. We look…

I recently learned... I don't think I just have to stand up here and make no jokes and you guys would all be cracking up. I mean, this is great. Honestly, I love this. I recently learned there's some jokes you can't make in stand-up comedy. Last week I did this joke about beating my girlfriend. This guy knows what's going on. And now I can't fucking find her. I'm not sure who went and told her, but somebody gave her the courage to leave, and now I can't. I'm still trying to figure out how she chewed through the chains. That beaver-toothed bitch fucking... She nibbled away to my heart. I don't know what else to tell you. Seriously, though, if anybody sees her, tell her, come.

I was at the airport yesterday. I was thinking, you could just point at anybody in here and yell, that guy has a bomb in his ass. And they kind of have to check that guy's ass, right? They got to put a finger in that guy. But then they're probably going to put a finger in you after because you said that, which could be fun, like, if you're into that, that's like your thing. You can be like, yeah, he's got a bomb in his ass. Check me now, you know? I got here two hours early. Go ahead, fucking check my ass. You imagine you do that all the time and the guy actually has a bomb in his ass? And then TSA is like, holy shit, that guy was gonna blow up the plane. 200 lives saved because of you. You're a fucking hero.…

I got groomed when I was in high school. Groomed, not molested, because I've never been much of a closer. So I told a comic this recently, he was like, oh, was the guy like a real pedophile, or did you just like develop early? Yeah, that's like saying, was the guy a real pedophile, or were you like a really sexy kid? And I was, so you guys kidding. I read a statistic that 20% of pedophiles have erectile dysfunction, which is crazy to imagine being a pedophile and working so hard all day. to get a kid to come into your band, and then you finally do, and you have to be like, oh my God, I'm so sorry, this never happens to me. Please don't tell your parents about this part, specifically. They should have…

What's up? What's going on? I flew with my dog and he was freaking out. I was like, man, chill. I haven't even hijacked the plane yet. You're blowing my cover, you know. I'm gonna get a new dog, get a drug dog, and use it for good, you know? Say, yeah, Sparky, let's find out where the party's at, you know? Okay, I see these, a reptile dysfunction medicine commercials. It's always a guy, working on his farm or fixing his truck. It's like, yeah, that's what I need a motor when I had shit to do. You know, when I'm around livestock. That's, you know, okay, cool.

Honestly, I'm not gonna lie to y'all. I got some beef for Austin, Texas. I don't wanna be the dark storm of Austin, Texas, no more how y'all been treating me. Because right now, I'm homeless, and I'm the richest homeless nigga in Austin, Texas. I applied for three houses to move into, and one of the houses texting me, no matter what pay stubs, I sent them. I said, I'm doing good right now. One of them hit me back and they said, your credit is bad. What the landlords want is for you to write an essay about why your credit is bad and what you intend to do about it. Nigger, this is the essay. I was poor. That's why I moved here, bitch. Did you look at anything? Did you Google me at all? I was home. homeless…

I got cheated on by a Native American girl. She was a Navajo. I've been getting a lot of Andrew Tate alpha male content in my feet lately, so the algorithm hasn't figured me out. Just because I hate liberal f*** doesn't mean I like conservative ones. And it's because they'll make one video make in front of some dork's pronouns, but then the next one they call themselves an Omega Sigma alpha male. And those are just pronouns for fratiorans. pronouns for frat dudes, which is fucking gay. AI scammers and Indian scammers have both been evolving at a breakneck pace to compete. It's a real space race to see who can act human first. And it's impressive the Indians are keeping up with the digital war because they're…

What's going on, Austin. I think too many people in this town, especially men go to counseling. I don't like it. I'm Midwestern. I'm very Midwestern. I'm so Midwestern, I don't believe in counseling. I believe in binge drinking. All right? You shouldn't be talking to strangers. You should be having a problem in a garage with your friends. Because I love scamming white people, I'm always down for that. I do think I'm going to start the Midwestern counseling service. That's how I'm going to go and reinvent counseling. What it's going to be is you're going to come over to my garage, hang out with me, drink my beer, work on my car. It's a Pontiac. You can't be sad working on a Pontiac. That's illegal, all right,…

How you guys doing? Hell yeah. So I've never lived in a city before. I've always been like a small town kind of guy, just real simple, easy going, like normal shit. When I saw something living on the side of the road, it'd just be a little animal, some cute, fuzzy. And now here I just got all these homeless people. When I first moved here, like, I felt bad for him. Give him a dollar, do what you can. But I saw this one guy that just ruined it all for everybody. He was holding his sign that said, cancer, can't work. How are you going to use your zodiac sign as an excuse to being homeless? You're not out here because you were born in July, dude. That's insane. I'm working three jobs struggling to feed myself,…

Anybody ever change your entire personality because of a TV show? I just stopped wearing my glasses because of that one show. Dommer. Still eat people, but that's just for the flavor. But I'm actually not a comedian. I'm just here to announce my candidacy for mayor of the Friend Zone. I've been a pretty good city councilman. I feel like I'm ready for the push for the big office. First initiative is to tackle the homeless situation. I saw this homeless couple strung out on the side of the road, and I just felt horrible. I'm just like, this dude has a girlfriend. What the hell am I doing wrong? It's my fault, though. I don't have the most commanding person. If I were like in a biker gang, it would be sons of…

You guys have had rednecks and cerebral palsy people. You've never had it blended together, you fucking cock-suckers. Some of you assholes are gonna ask me how to spell it, but I don't know shit about cerebral palsy, so I'll just make up shit. They'll be like, what is terrible? I'll tell you it's superpowers and large, Tallywacker, cock sucker, that's... People, you know, like, when people ask me how to spell it because everybody's inquisitive as fuck, does it look like I ever want a fucking spelling bee ever in my lifetime? I went to alternative high school. We had law mowing as a course, fucking dickhead, because they knew I was gonna fucking go to court sometime in my life. I don't know, man. Like, you,…

What is up, Austin? I'm an older broad. You know, it's kind of obvious a little bit, right? And every day, though, I'm reminded of it. The other day, I was driving down the road, and I saw a car swerving. It's broad daylight, and I'm like, what the fuck is going on? All of a sudden I see the passenger. I can't bend over too far, sorry, pop up and do this number. And I was like, oh, fucking roadhead, dude. I used to do that, you know, before I went to therapy and realized my dad does love me. He just doesn't know how to show it. What else? Ladies, titty fucking. Are you in your 30s still doing that? It's like we're playing an accordion, right? a shake weight, right? We're opening a pickle jar. Maybe I'll use my…

So I'm a poll dancer, and when I say that, a lot of people think that means stripper, and I'm not. But if I was, I would have a really cool name, like Miss Honeybun. It's because I'm sweet, I'm dense, and after a couple bites, I really taste like Nichols. It's like a cup, or a loose change. Yeah. I have a boyfriend, and he's a little bit of a freak, so he likes it. He's into this thing, it's called sounding. It's when you shove something in your dick. Yeah, at first I was like, too, I was like, but he makes this really cool noise. He goes like this, eh, eh. It's like a little kid in the fan in the summertime. You know how they go, eh, and the fucking fan. It's so beautiful. I've been calling him urethrofoam.…

Is she even hot? I fucking can't wait for robot eyes. God damn it. I miss tits so much. Elon Musk keeps telling me he's going to put a computer chip in my brain that'll let me see again. It's fucking crazy. He calls it Neurlink. But he says the first version of it is going to look like old school Atari video game graphics. That's not an upgrade. I finally get to see tits in their squares. I get to go to a strip club and it looks like Super Mario World in there, man. I don't want pong pussy, you know? I'll wait for two raider titties at least. Dude, people are so mad at Elon. that they were breaking and vandalizing Tesla's, that's so fucked up. Because the coolest part about a Tesla is that one day I'll be able…

I got a Roomba recently. He's black. He cleans my house. It's a sweet deal. What is the black bass bass? What is the black base model for every object that's supposed to improve our lives? Why is it always black? I gave mine a pair of white gloves and a bow tie. I pushed clean on him and he goes up and down the holes. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Master keep my battery is charged. The other day I hit clean on Toby. Oh, his name is Toby. I couldn't name him Kunta. My mom comes over. I'm like, watch your feet. Coonto's trying to get by. Uh. So the other day I hit clean on Toby. He goes towards the end of the hall and he's cleaning and he starts beeping and goes back to recharge his batteries. And I nearly spilt my sweet tea.…

I am Nate Hong Kong. Well, I was born and raised in Hong Kong, but I got a big dick, so you can just call me Caucasian. There we go. I have lots of Chinese friends as a result. Or just the one. I can't tell. Yeah. I actually, I failed my driver's license in Hong Kong. You know how fucking bad you have to be at driving? For a Chinese guy sitting next to you, shit scared to be like, I don't know, ah. I can law in good conscience, sir. You are a low hazard. No. I actually failed because I didn't hit enough of the traffic cones. What are you doing? You didn't call out of that family a four. All right, that's me

Good morning, Austin. How y'all doing tonight? So I'm into stud pussy. Anybody out there giving up to stud pussy? I've had a dream here recently. I wanted to do a threesome. And I was going to title it, Two Studs and Me. And we're going to quote it, no homo. Yeah. I've been in the Studs for a long time. Studs, tomboys, all that good shit. It's pussy as pussy as I feel like. As long as it don't look like me and it got tidies, Without a dick, I'm pretty cool with that, you know. All right. So, how y'all doing tonight? Right. All this is the funny-licking staff. Give up for the funny-looking staff, everybody. I think that's all I got. That's my time right now.

It's been really nerve-wrecking back there. Because I'm watching the people go before. It's like, Open Micah legend. I'm like, can I please be after, I'm gonna buy Trinity all the alcohol or medication she needs. After this, I was like, oh, actually, I know her. I'm like, oh, please suck. I don't give a fuck about your career, please. Anyway, but now comedy. So, I'm 33. I've never gone close to marriage. I can't look at you when I say this. I have to look at a man. I've never gone close to marriage. You guys can act a little surprise, by the way. I bought a new fucking shirt for this. Fucking act surprise. All right. But the reason. The reason is because I'm a struggling comic and I really don't want to settle…

I'm starting to think all Mexicans are Oklahoma Thunder fans because whenever I ask one for a favor they're always like okay see yeah dude I fucked a celebrity yeah dude it was a great time until I got kicked out of the wax museum yeah dude the fucking security guard that caught me he was like sir I need you to pull out of Buzz Light you're right now thank you yes let's see here Everybody measures the height of snow, but never the girth. Very stupid, yes.

he first question I get usually is, and race am I? And I like to represent for half black, half German. Not what I'm saying? Not a lot of us out here, but we're out here. I think it's kind of funny how retarded guys. NBA players both say currency the same way. Money? Uh, see, I was playing on stripping, my bad. I was playing on stripping when I got out here, so I'm a strip. You feel me? First of all, we fuck with Whitney Houston, Austin? We fucking with Whitney Houston! I got caught in the rain before I came here. This ain't the first time this bitch got wet! It's not the first time!

What's going on here, guys? I'm Chad. I am from Ashgosh, Wisconsin. I am here on my birthday. If you guys don't know where Oshkosh is, that's where Chicago sends all their prisoners. That's right. Thing about turning 40 is more trips to the bathroom. And seeing that doctor visiting that bat cave every year, right? Some of the guys know about that, right? Here's some fun facts about me, right? I didn't learn the birds and the bees growing up. My uncle gave me a playboy, and I learned how to count backwards from Bill Cosby. that one takes a little bit to sink in. Speaking of Bill, did he still do stand-up in prison or was he the chocolate pudding? That's right. Fun fact about me is I work insurance.

My name is Joe, and because we're in Texas, I'm legally required to tell you all that I am trans. Don't worry, they took my guns at the door. Yeah. You're safe for now. I go by Joe, J-O. I used to go by Joe J-O-E. But like most things with transition, you just cut off the parts you don't like. Yeah. Speaking of guns, I actually do love guns. You know, us trannies are always packing something. And it's hard to conceal carry a glock when you're hiding a cock. Yeah, and I love my guns so much. You know, I really only came out of the... closet to make room for more guns. And because I'm on hormones, people ask me, and they say, is it safe for you to be around so many guns? And the hormones make me emotional…

Hello. Yes, okay, my name is Trinity. I was named after the movie The Matrix. Have we seen it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In that movie, Trinity kind of serves as Neo-Salvation. She's like a foil to God. And I'm just sick and tired of being seen as men's salvation. So, like, last year I was proposed to three times. And I just, I am from Texas. So I want to know what it is about me that says come and take it. Because I'm going to show you fucking come and take it. All right? Oh, man. I just, it's, I canceled a date for this. I'll have you know. I'll have you know. And I went down by the docks. And so now I got some seawater on me and I smell like fish. What the fuck is new? I don't know. All right. I'm curious as…

Whoever created the phrase, it's not about the size of the dog in the fight. It's about the size of the fight and the dog. Clearly has never gambled on dog fighting. Always bet on the bigger dog. Ventriloquist. Ventriloquist. It sounds like such a thing. Fancier job title than what it is. Like it sounds like they all got together and decided on a ventriloquist because they're too afraid to tell their parents they wanted to fist cabbage patch dolls professionally. Do you guys think ventriloquists are just necrophiliacs with low self-esteem? Like they wanna mess around with lifeless things but don't have the confidence, you know? Like is Jeffrey Dom or just Jeff Dunham with stage fright? I'm a basketball fan,…

People take one look at me, and they're not really sure what they're looking at. I actually, I get misgendered. more often than any woman should. And that honestly, it doesn't bother me. It's usually by the same woman that works at 7-11. And she's trying her best guys. Yeah. It's like stepping on someone's toes, you know? I can't get mad at that. I'm not going to correct her. But if, like, someone ever wanted to be polite and ask me what my pronouns are, I will slap you in the face to let you know I'm a bitch. And people are shocked when they find out that I date men. It's just not often. I have one rule. They have to be more masculine than me. It's hard to find. I work in carpentry, and I think that's a big…

My therapist told me I can't be a YN no more. A YN mean young n*gga. Because one, I'm 35, and that energy is dangerous with a n*gga with no ACLs. So now I'm on my WPN shit. It's a white people insurance. I just got health insurance. I did, I had you, because now I gotta start going to the doctor. I was against going to the doctor because my uncle told me at a young age, he was like, the emergency room is free. Right? And we lived based on that. And then after I went to college, I just started using my student loan debt because they won't let you die if you own student loans. Because student loans is the only thing that you could only pay with by dying. And like, you can't do, like, bankruptcy. So, like, I…

Yoko Ono, the widow of Beatles great John Lennon just revealed she thinks he was gay. I think that explains some of the songs he wrote. Norwegian Wood Roll over Beethoven, Twist and Shout, this boy has my penis in his mouth. And by the way, are they ever going to make the Fred Flintstone car again? A guy in L.A. died after cutting his own dick off. Redban, what does it feel like not to have a dick? Oh, you use AI? Cool. I used it 20 years ago. It was called Miss Cleo. Bumbaclaat, rude to fly! Y'all may not know this, but Afex Twins' real name is Richard D. James. So when he goes on stage, he says, it's Rick James, bitch. Okay, that's my time, Tony. Wow. Tony, I thought that was going to be a rare Apex Twin…

Big Brother recently told me he got a vasectomy. And then he asked me if I was going to get a vasectomy. I was like, I think I got to be getting some pussy first. Being from eastern Kentucky, sometimes people ask me if I banged my cousin. I'm like, no. She was homecoming queen. She was way out of my league. Plus, I had a big brother and like six cousins, my family had some real stiff competition. Growing up in Kentucky, sometimes people think I was brought up Baptists, but I was actually raised Methodist. Then in my 20s, I became a Crystal Methodist

Houston is like a big ass Atlanta favorite Houston rapper Pimsy that meant everything to me he said n*gger I ain't so much shrimp I got iodine poison now Pimsy is known to live his raps and I'm gonna tell y'all that ain't shit that n*gger research that happened to him that n*gger woke up in a hospital and then a doctor was like your blood levels with iodine you're about to die Pempsie He said, is somebody trying to poison me? He said, no, I don't think that. Let me think. Mr. Pimsy, do you ever eat a baller amount of shrimp? He's like, hell yeah. He said, how much shrimp do you eat? He was like, I don't know about this much. This much money is how much shrimp he eat. I've been chasing that iodine poisoning my…

Yeah, I'm Devin Callahan. Callahan like Dirty Harry. Yeah, I see your face confused. He's like, I remember Dirty Harry. He wasn't this dirty. What the fuck's wrong with you? So, yeah, so I figured out, not to bring it down, and I talk about death, I figured out the afterlife. I got it. There's two types of ghosts. One ghost, full-body guy standing under a light. Hey, it's my grandfather probably smoking a cigarette, head to toe. It's a ghost. second goes, you just get like a little haunting thing and it's just like no legs and nothing, just feet up, like feet gone, knees up, and they're just running around like, ooh. Their second type, those are the motherfuckers they die of diabetes. Yes. So it turns out in…

Hey, shit. We're doing it. Mr. Hensflip, I got to tell you, I'm a big-ass fan. You too, Adam Ray. Me and my wife, we're such big fans to kill Tony. that we role play Kill Tony in the bedroom, right? So sometimes, like, I'll be hitting it from the back, and I'm like, oh, yeah, we're really doing it, baby. We're really doing it. And then sometimes I like to pretend I'm one of the black guys that get on Kill Tony. I'm like, oh, yeah, we're really doing it, baby. But my favorite people who come on Kill Tony are the Asians, right? So sometimes I'll be back there going, oh yeah, we're really going, baby, right? Oh, man. But it goes both ways, right? So sometimes because she's like, I want to be Tony. And I'm like,…

My name is Nunzio Gianni. I'm actually coming from Miami for my birthday. So I don't know if we got any folks from Miami or Miami. I know the strippers are amazing. I love them too. I'm fairly young. I moved to Miami when I was 16. Dating was actually really hard. 16 and 18, early 20s, because Miami's not a place for somebody young like me. But I guess I got a taste. at a taste and some shippers and hoes, so I think I could do all right. I'm Puerto Rican and Italian. My ethnicity is kind of hard to pick. When I come to Texas, I'm either Mexican or colored. So guys, I'm really nervous, guys. This is my first time. Fuck. I'm going to cut you off there. Nunzi Ogiani. This is the first time Kill tony's had its own…

Hell yeah. Sorry for spilling that drink on you, by the way. That was rude of me. Appreciate you guys. Yeah, I'm not retarded, but I spent $15 for rocks. Anybody have that problem? I don't know. I'm starting to think that Cam Patterson sold out, you know. He jumped off the Kill Tony Show, went straight to SNL, and all of a sudden he's selling rocks for $15. It's like they were promised to him 3,000 years ago. I remember, am I right? All right, all right, well, enough about the Jews. Let's talk about Corpus. Christy, Texas is where I'm from. Donald Trump was just there yesterday. Everybody gave a hand for Donald Trump. The greatest president to ever live. You see this beautiful bridge. I built that bridge. My…

I heard that ICE is killing white people now, man. What's up with that? You're telling me I can't even hide inside a Lulu Levin anymore. My girlfriend, when I met her, she was way out of my league, so I found out everything I could about her, man. I found out that she was really into animal rescue. So 2019, fuck it, bro. I rescued 34 cats, bro. Fuck it. Sometimes you have to save the kitty to eat the kitty. That's what I was doing. You can say I was in heat, too, man. Anyways. I have an Australian cattle dog, a blue healer at home. I like to use that dog for small talk with older white guys. I like a tractor supply. I tell him I have a blue healer, and they're like, oh, my granddaddy had a blue healer. That's…

I noticed patterns for a living, and I noticed something, the Amish, they used to be elusive, but now they're everywhere. TLC, HBO, I don't even have cable, but I see them every day. I'm starting to think that maybe there's a scam going on here. I'm not sure. I'm at that age now where everything I think is a scam, but... You know, they pretend they can't have cell phones, but then that's scamming 101. Oh, my camera doesn't work. But anyway, so I feel like they had a meeting sometime. They had, they said, there was no electricity candle. Let's build Barnes turn butter. and confused the hell out of the society. That's what it's like, basically. And I know one person at meeting said, this could have been an…

This isn't the Super Bowl halftime show. If I wanted to hear a bunch of Spanish, I go to a kitchen, a chili. Stop trying to make me learn things. This is America. What's the point of having all these bombs if I have to learn? I do think it's fucked up that a lot of Mexicans are getting deported. I think if you're trying to reduce crime, deporting Mexicans is the least efficient way to do that. I've never been walking down a dark alley and heard the voice behind me be like, give me your money. It's usually some form of ebonics. The language of robberies. Yeah, I recently saw a black guy gardening. I was like, dude, you don't have to do that anymore. You can do larceny and retail theft as well now. I am working…

What's up, n*ggas? You guys are easy. Y'all ever try to be friends with a gay person? I have, because I'm progressive, but you got to watch out for them. Because them n*ggas, they will try to fuck you. Like, I went out with buddy, and we went shot for shot. We was having a great fucking time. But he waited until I got good and drunk. I got good and drunk. And he started trying to challenge me to, like, weird games. He was like, yo, I bet you, I could beat you in a dick-sucking competition. And that shit really blew me because I'm like, there's no way I'm going to lose to a f***. Like, wait, listen, I'm not gay. I'm just competitive. Listen, times are changing. Times are changing. We got old n*gger Y-Ns now.…

We just finished the Black History Month. Fuck Black History Month. Here this month too. Why did they make our calendar racial? Seems like everywhere I go, they want to ask for my race. You apply for a school, what's your race? You apply for jobs, what's your race? See, where I grew up, they don't ask that question. Because we're better at keeping our bloodline pure. So many different races to pick from under that question, to Hispanic, non-Hispanic, black, white, Pacific Islander. In Asian countries, we'll just put people into two categories. Asian or intruders?

God damn, just in time for rodeo season. Favorite time of the year. Best thing I love about that goddamn rodeos and big, fat, black women in them goddamn jeans. And jean shorts, just throwing ass to our Lord and Savior, George Strait. You ain't lived until you've seen somebody pop their pussy to Amarillo by morning. I tell you what. And you got them cataford tortoise. Them big ass category for torches walk around them airbrush shirts. Says RIP Miguel, barbecue stains on it. Looking like a feral dog looking for a goddamn slice of brisket. I had pissed drunk out there last night and shacked up with this creature, you know. I said, where are you from, baby? She said, I'm from the Bayou, Louisiana Bayou. I said,…

Hell yeah. I'm gay and autistic, so technically I'm a double minority, but because I'm white, it just levels out. You know what I mean? I'm bisexual, that kind of sucks. You know what I mean? Because I feel like bisexual is gayer than being gay, you know? Because when you're bi, that means that you like dick and pussy, right? So if you choose some dick over pussy, that's gay. That's really gay. That's really gay. But I'm autistic and bitches love the tism dick. I'd be stimming in they shit, you know? I'm like, damn, bitch, this is he giving me a sensory overload right now. I'm in hole. I'm like, so when you store your large files, do you use Dropbox or One Drive? I'm really bad at Netflix and chilling because…

Hey, Sugar Land. I just want to start this by saying, I'm five years sober and clean. From white pussy. Yeah, wasn't a hard choice. White pussy tastes like Nichols. Yeah, it does. That's true. Yeah. It's February, baby! Yeah, not a lot of black people in here. That's crazy. Yeah, it's February, and as a black man, I'm just going to tell you, as a black man, I'm doing my part. Yeah. I'm out there doing it, yeah. I've been eating black pussy. Yeah. And I was actually recently eating some black pussy just a couple days ago and I was down there in them thick thighs. You know how it is and I was down there doing my thing You know hey but I was running out of air quick all right I come up for air go Oh oh oh she…

There we go. Everyone, how's it going tonight? Well, I'm probably going to suck harder than that other guy, but I'm going to do my best. So I had my first sexual interaction with a female-to-male transgender person. What sucked is that her clit was bigger than my dick. Also, I went and met some dude named, I don't know, like Dr. Phil or something a while back. I gave him a hand job at Buckees. Also, I work at a comedy club. and I give many hand jobs there. The best part about it is that I get to eat all the cum.

You know, so God gave us two ears and one mouth, because they're supposed to listen twice as much as we talk. But he also gave us 10 fingers, so we're supposed to be finger blasting, like, all the time. I always tell girls, you should never fake an orgasm with me, you know, because I don't care. I found out women are supposed to pee after sex to prevent a UTI every time, but I was telling them, Just to be safe, you should pee during sex. So I'm into that, hell yeah. My parents are here, by the way. Can I do one more joke? Okay. My girlfriend says I don't make enough eye contact during sex. And it's not even true. I make a lot of eye contact during sex. It's just with myself in the mirror. Not in a narcissistic…

So I was making out with my girlfriend last week. Yeah. Things were heating up. She started taking her clothes off. Yeah. She was like, Max, you look like a kid in a candy store. I said, babe, it's not you. I look like a kid in any store. Yeah. Just kidding. I don't have a girlfriend. Yeah. I can't keep a girlfriend, all right? because they don't feel safe with me. Because I'm gluten-free. I mean, I can't even fight off a little Debbie. It sucks, right? Like, someone brings donuts to work. I can't have any. Apple fritter? Straight to the shitter. Being gluten-free is so depressing. The only time I even think about using a toaster is when I'm taking a bath. Guys, come on. My therapist said, I need an outlet.…

Y'all remember the first time you heard a black British guy talk? It's like, you're not supposed to sound like that. Unrelated. Would you ever see a girl a little too close with her dog? I think God, I hope I ain't fucking. That's all I got to say. Meth heads, though, you know? I've been thinking they probably do have the best pull-out game because of all that copper wiring. Yeah? Yeah. But when a meth head has found the one, and she's got one of those copper IUDs, they cannot help themselves. And someone wants to be a father. No, I did know a girl once. She had so many abortions. She didn't even have a landing strip. There's just a Gaza. strip.

What's up, what's up, man? I'm happy to be here in Texas, man. actually live in a spot called Dayton, Ohio. Yup, yep, and that's all it gets right there. That's it. Now, for real, men, people don't get too hype when I say I live in dating, it always gets real weird and awkward and quiet, you know. And I get it, man. Y'all must not be a big fan of a heroin, I see, because that's all we got in Southern Ohio, baby. All we got is heroin and fat white women. That's it, that's it. Hey, hey, but hold on. I'm a dip in the both. Okay. No, stop it, stop. You're laughing at the truth. Stop it, stop it. People are like, jerrel, why don't you move out of dating? You're so talented, man. You should move, but I won't because…

Tony, I'm about to be fucking threatening violence against RedBan's Maws. Pussy did I, this town is not Bigger. This town is not big enough for the both of us, said two clinically obese people. And by the way, Red Band, your mama was so fat. Now there's an Ozimic shortage. The Reverend Jesse Jackson just died, and I'm trying to figure out what he did to piss off Hillary Clinton. I asked Chad GPT to explain the concept of God in the shortest terms possible. It wrote back two words, Aifex twin. A Texas grand jury declined. to indict a man who shot and killed his daughter because she said bad things about Donald Trump. I'm no lawyer, but isn't that called Justifiable Homicide? Okay, that's my time, Tony.

Mothership, how we doing? I'm not doing good, guys. People say fucked up shit to me all the time, man. Someone said I look divorced. I'm 30, all right? Another person said I look like Will Smith is my favorite rapper. And then someone else said I look like a substitute that just got out of prison. I'm like, all right, that's three insults. two people in this group chat. This is why I never asked my parents for shit anyways, you know? Like I'm going on a date, I'm trying to send the selfie. How do I look in this shirt? This is what they fucking say to me. But I go on the date, and I'm getting fatter. I'm trying to articulate that in my profiles, right? So, like, every photo I get, like, a little bit fatter.…

What's up? My name is Timmy No Break's and welcome to Timmy Ass. You got a... Jesus fucking Christ. This guy won't let people say the M-word or play the fucking guitar. This is insane. Okay. On my neck is a shock collar. and in my hand is the remote. If you press this orange button, it will shock me. Now, if I bomb, one of you guys will get to shock me. I won't bomb because I don't bomb. But this, this is the bomb shock collar. This is fucking terrible. Now, because this is a dog collar, I will give it to this lesbian bitch. Jesus Christ No, you can't Start the timer Red Band Did you guys see During the Olympics. How that girl Lindsay Vaughn broke up What the fuck are you doing You dumb whore I'm in the setup…

I'm from Boston. You can't really hear it from my accent unless I say certain words like fact. Or khakis. Or suck my fucking dick bitch. You know, the classics. My guy friend heard my accent once. And he was like, Emily, I think it's kind of hot that you have a Boston accent. Do you use it? in the bedroom. I was like, what the fuck do you think I do in there? I'm just like, how to... Faster. No, you show me who's in charge, Daddy. I want you to pack that big mag truck right and have it garage. Or whatever catty bee says. I was having sex recently, though, and he was hitting it from the back, and I don't know where I just turn and go, use me like a fucking fleshlight. Sex stops, immediately. Nothing will get…

Here we go. Thank you. I recently moved back to the United States after living in South Korea for 30 years. So I'm experiencing a bit of a culture shot. The biggest difference is the things you can't say now in America that you could 30 years. You can't say, apparently you can't say homeless. You have to say unhoused. I tested this theory out. I saw a homeless guy the other day and I said, do you prefer the term homeless or unhoused? And I will never forget what he said to me. It was so poignant. He said to me, stop stealing my thoughts as he stabbed me repeatedly. I'll put that down as an unhoused after I get back from the hospital. You know, you can't say the word retard anymore. That's a new one. You have…

Oh, this party's just getting... Make some noise with Timmy D, everybody. First try! Sony, somebody told me back there, this shirt looks, is racist. I'll tell you, what's racist is elephants. You never hear any white people getting killed by an elephant. How much did you got to be not paying attention to get killed by an elephant? I'd be like, hey, look, y'all. It comes... Here comes the elephants. Olae! Anyways, worst part about getting killed by elephant is you're laying there and, uh, I'm going, I'm going blank. You're like, well, yeah, well, I've been killed by elephant. And it's exactly the opposite of what you thought it would be like when you, when you died. You're surrounded by, surrounded by loved…

Great to be here. What's so, folks? I don't know how you all feel about immigration, but I feel like all things, and we need some balance. Like, I think we should build a wall, but we should also install a doggie door for hot Latinas. We need them desperately. I think we should import millions of gorgeous Latinas. And for every Latina we import, we can deport one obese white chick. Maybe two to one or three to one. I don't know what the exchange rate is. My big white gal. It's been a tough year. My best friend died from a fake Xanax that had fentanyl in it. Yeah, he would take Xanax to help him chill out. Now he's about as chill as you can possibly get. eternally chill. And my other friend FaceTimed him the…

I just realized, I think everything is a little racist. Like, my brother got Tesla five years ago. And in five years, Tesla went from clean power to white power. Just like that. How do you hate people but love the environment? That's like if the KKK was like, yo, we're not burning no more crosses. We LED lighten them. Strove effect. We ride at dawn. We're solar powered. I don't know, man. I think everything a little racist because I'm from Virginia. You know, Virginia's race. Like, we don't have sports teams. We got support the DC teams. I didn't even know the football team's name was racist until the first game I went to. It was the Cowboys versus the Redskins on Thanksgiving. That's not a game. That's a…

Armadillos are just Mexican turtles. I thought that's what the word armadillo mean. Because I've been trying to create some secret ooze to turn these n*ggas into teenage mutant ninja Mexican turtle. You don't even gotta change the name. You know what I'm saying? It's just Ravale, Leonardo, but I'm Master Splinter. Now that I got y'all in a silly thing, I gotta get to some beef that I got. Fuck the n*gger who made the low battery noise and smoke detectors. Me, they smoke detector don't never go off. That shit be on. 15 years. N*gger, either kill yourself or not. I hate a battery that don't actually want to die. But then now I know it's a conspiracy. They turned us into sleeper agents. They want us to be ghetto.…

All right. I had to go to a baby funeral, and I'll make it silly. but uh... I don't know why I thought I was going to see other babies at the funeral I'm just looking around like I guess this wasn't one of the popular ones that's the only funeral where you can't talk to the coffin with the same voice that you talk to the person when they were alive you can just come up like you might if I say a few words a divit-dib-div-div-div-div-div-div-do-do-do-do-do-do-oh a lady got mad at me recently for saying the word retarded this woman's like you're saying the R-word? What year is it? And I was like, this retard doesn't even know what year it is. Bless her heart. Wow. What the fuck can I say?

What's up? Hey, the medication I take is called oral backlifan. I take oral back to thin because I don't want to take anal backliphan. It can fall out. Some people smoke wheat through an apple. I smoke through a squash. So when I'm high, I'm like, oh, I'm so squash right now. Let's get squashed. I'm trying to make it a thing. Okay, um, a scientist, hey, scientifically speaking, you can sleep with your second cousin. And I don't know, it sounds like that scientist just had a really hot cousin, you know? I did the research, it's cool. Okay, well, that's it, but, yeah.

Since my accident, my dating life has sucked. The last summer before it happened, man, I was fucking killing it. Like I was dating one girl who told me she wanted me to talk more during sex. So I did. And then she got mad and broke up with me. And I was like, I kind of think this is your fault because when you told me you wanted me to talk more during sex, you should have specified that it was to you and not on the phone. But you called my dad. Like, yeah, because we're like, cool. You know, and I feel like you should have known that, especially since your dad and I graduated together. Another girl I dated, she played super hard to get. And when we finally hooked up, it was at a church. She just laid there and…

How's it going, Austin? It has become problematic for me to take showers alone again recently. And that is because I listen to hip-hop in the shower. And I do not censor myself when Wu-Tang comes on. Thank you. But recently, Kanye was on my speaker. I was washing my armpits and I just, I kind of just felt a little strange when I was listening to Kanye, so I had to skip the song. I'm sure you guys know which song it was. But after I skipped that song, Puff Daddy and the family came on and it was fitting to get loose. And I don't know if you guys know this, but the first like 20 to 30 seconds of that song is puff daddy just breathing heavy like and I'm washing my asshole and Fitna Get Loose is on and I just…

Who knows how big. Who knows how big their dad's dick is? Right? We should know that kind of information for the ones of us that do. This shit's fucking crazy. My dad hated wearing clothes. And like my dad, I know how big is my dad's dick is. It's seared in my brain. It's right there right now. Hey, I see you. Unfortunately, he was a nudist because he had a big dick. My dad's dick was so big, it had abs. It had a Netflix account, paid its own bills. It was the only one of us that he was proud of. It's better than mom, though. You imagine your mom, like, leaning over to wake you up for school in the morning? Her left tit grazes your forehead. Honey, time to get up. Mom, get your tits out of my face. I'm not six…

Y'all know how hard is to drive Uber when you're a big black dude named Courtney? People don't believe it's my car. I had a lady once go, are you sure this is your car? You know, you hear a joke and you think she's playing, but she's like, and because I'm a comic, I'm all like, nah, we stole this motherfucker together. Let's go! Happy Black History Month, by the way. Yeah. All right, so anyways, I'm recently taking a tolerance break from weed. I don't hate weed. I just don't like the things that I do when I'm on it. Like, I'll go to my son's basketball game and cheer for the wrong team. I also do stupid things. Like, forget I'm driving Uber. Have a passenger in the backseat just terrified. I'm like, I'm about…

Who knows how big. Who knows how big their dad's dick is? Right? We should know that kind of information for the ones of us that do. This shit's fucking crazy. My dad hated wearing clothes. And like my dad, I know how big is my dad's dick is. It's seared in my brain. It's right there right now. Hey, I see you. Unfortunately, he was a nudist because he had a big dick. My dad's dick was so big, it had abs. It had a Netflix account, paid its own bills. It was the only one of us that he was proud of. It's better than mom, though. You imagine your mom, like, leaning over to wake you up for school in the morning? Her left tit grazes your forehead. Honey, time to get up. Mom, get your tits out of my face. I'm not six…

Since my accident, my dating life has sucked. The last summer before it happened, man, I was fucking killing it. Like I was dating one girl who told me she wanted me to talk more during sex. So I did. And then she got mad and broke up with me. And I was like, I kind of think this is your fault because when you told me you wanted me to talk more during sex, you should have specified that it was to you and not on the phone. But you called my dad. Like, yeah, because we're like, cool. You know, and I feel like you should have known that, especially since your dad and I graduated together. Another girl I dated, she played super hard to get. And when we finally hooked up, it was at a church. She just laid there and…

How's going? You know, the modern world is different. you know, brownie points used to me one thing, but now it means a higher chance of anal. And if you remember, there's a pilot shortage, I'm not sure if it's still going on, but begs the question, did anyone ask the band 21 pilots for help? Like, I know there's sound. It's not that complex. I bet they could have spared, like, 16 or like 17 pilots. I find it strange that we name storms after people. Like, is that like all, like, ex-girlfriends of ex-boyfriends, you know, just like a meteorologist looking forward to a hurricane. It's like, yeah, like you fucking you, you like my brother more. Katrina, let's see if there's a hurricane coming. But then I…

I'm from Wisconsin. And most people don't know much about Wisconsin other than that we have cheese. And believe it or not, I did work at a cheese factory. I was one of the guys that made sure all the Swiss cheese had holes in it. No, just kidding. I wish that was my job. My job was actually making sure those guys stayed hard. Thank you. Speaking of hard, being an adult is hard. As a kid, everything felt like an adventure, and now everything just kind of feels like a responsibility. Like, I get stressed out even just leaving my house. I'm like, am I on time? Did I turn off the oven? Did I pay rent? Phone, wallet, key? micro penis. All right, I'm good to go. Now, I'm just kidding. It's actually not that small.…

I talk to somebody and they say they got simplest and you only find out it's only one or two of them nigg*s. That's not siblings. This is wrong with the country. We need big family energy back in the goddamn states. There's a certain thing you get when you get... Like, I grew up in a townhouse. We only grew up with two-bedroom townhouse. We all slept on one king-sized mattress, all six of us. Nigg*r, wasn't no boogeyman, nigga. We'll jump that nigg*r. You know what I'm saying? We'll jump. I wish the, nigg*, we'll come heart my sister dreams, nigg*. We'll jump that n*gger. There's a different kind of attitude you get. Because I grew up in the 90s with the big booty TVs. The remote wars of the 90s. When we used…

I'm asking what my type is. I'm really into Arabic, guys. I find them very attractive. I like their thick hair, sharp facial features. Every time I see one on the street, I go up to them, I say, sir, can you please cover your hair and your skin? You make me feel very lustful. I can't help but want to touch you right now. When they don't comply, I throw rocks of them. See, when I'm rich, I'm going to throw big parties and I'm going to invite a whole bunch of very attractive Arabic male models. So I'll pay you shit in their mouth. I'm really good at it, you know? I just tell them, hey, Habibi, Habibi. Lay down. Open your mouth. This is my gift for you. It's very halal. Let me show you the Asian squad. And if…

So a couple months ago, I got a Home Depot to look for a dude. And he didn't really come with a green card, but a really long kink card. So we started dating. And things have been going pretty good. good. The other night we're having a really intimate, deep discussion. He's given me the reassurance that you want and that you need a new relationship. He's like, I love you forever and ever and always. Amen. I'm like, chingau, dude, did you just bring your faith into this? How co-chino are you? And later that night, he's actually trying to put me on the dinner table and can you blame him? You know, boy's got to eat. And he's getting all sexy with me rubbing up on me and whatnot. And he's like, who's your man? And…

Happy Black History Month. We've got Darnell here, they got that light-skinned feller painting, and they got D-Madness dressed like a butler. Unreal, what a trait. Before we get started on it, he's not, listen, I don't care what you are. Okay, it's your right, as human being, Whatever you do don't impede on what someone else does, that's your right as a human being. Look, I don't care if you're gay. I don't care if you're trans. I don't even care if you're black. Your body, your choice, you know what I'm doing? And you all are like, well, black's not a choice. Well, they choose to be that loud at the movie theater, don't they? Listen now, listen here, God damn it, listen. I ain't racist to nobody. I don't want…

The white woman is important that I say that part for the story. And as I was getting to know her, she was telling me how she was in a gender pro. and how she identified as a they, them, which is a crazy sentence to hear. But I'm a super chill guy. I didn't overreact. I'm like, if that's how you choose to live your life, I call you what you want to be called. But I did let them know before we go out, I can only afford to pay for me and you. And if that's going to be a problem, we shouldn't do this, because they could come, just make sure they bring money. For real. Because if they order anything off of this, mean, they're going to pay for the shit, gratuity and all. I'm not going to be stuck with the bill for…

I go do a show in Marble Falls, Texas. It's not a real place even though I went there. And when the sun went down, I looked at my roommate. I said, I think it's time for us to go. I think that's the rules out here. And so we start driving back. And the shit looked on the way. There's no like street lights. It looked like where you meet the devil and that nigger charged, like he challenged you to play guitar for your soul. So when we're driving, I looked at him and I said, yo, I got to pee. I'm about to pee in this. Gatorade bottle and then he looked at me his white ass said I'll just pull over no nigger you're not all right we're not we're not stopping here and then he was like what you scared like a mountain…

I found out recently I'm one-eighth black. It's our month now. Now this doesn't mean that I can say any of the fun words, but I sure have been thinking about it. I lost my virginity with a soft dick. Y'all might be thinking, wow, that's got to take a hog to work, right? You'd be wrong. All it takes is a girl that believes deep in and keeps drinking after she pukes on you. I was 17, she was 22, she knew what she wanted. Between me and whiskey, though, we figured it out. It's all right. All right, I wish that got bigger pipe, but thank you all so much.

I got a confession to make, guys. The first time I ever heard of LGBTQ plus, thought it was like a fancy way of saying, I want everything on my burger. Turns out it's a fancy way of saying, you love everything up your ass. Yeah. I'm from the East Coast and I'm a foodie. So the first time I heard of Grindr, I thought it was an app for sandwiches. Turns out it's for dicks. Yeah. So I came in the dude's mouth. I was like, where's the sandwich? When does it show up? I'm way hungrier and a lot more yay now. Yeah, I really didn't know that guy was gay until about a week later. He texted me, he was like, do you want to go to a Dallas Cowboys football game? That was it. That didn't have been. All right, that's been my…

I like to eat pussy. But don't get me confused with these young dudes eating ass calling their groceries. That's not groceries. That's chittles and you niggas need to stop. That is chittles. I think a lot of dudes eat ass because they still don't know where the clitoris is, but I do. And because of that, I have two rules, ladies. Like, the first one is if I can smell it before you take your pants off, I'm not eating that shit. And they always get mad at you when you tell them that they pussy stink like they don't know. Like, but you knew that pussy smell like a 91 degree day in Puerto Rico before you. you came over here. And the second one is, um, if you ever had an abortion, yeah, I always lose people on that…

Folks What if I told you there was a place where brilliant minds could collide where you could be drowning in pussy even if you're only the size of big mic celebrities around every corner and women that want you bad nothing but not and tense, folks, would you be interested in that? Well, welcome to Epstein's Island. I'm sure you won't forget it. I'm trying not to get sued here, so everything I say is alleged. It's always perfect weather. I wonder who controls that. Probably the guys with the beady eyes and one-fourth of a hat. If Bill Clinton comes in under four minutes, minutes there's four more weeks of winter but he only comes in Asian women or as he likes to call them squinters in his bathroom there was a…

I was watching Batman. I'm not thinking, you know? Because Bruce Wayne, his alter ego, is Batman. inspired by his paralyzing fear of bats. So I guess then my superhero name would be Black Man. Uh, man, okay. And considering how many of these superheroes get their power from radiation, not nearly enough of them are Japanese, uh, on Asian jokes are short-sighted, and... What do I know? Until Oppenheimer came out, I thought Nagasaki was about black blow jobs. Uh... Speaking of... speaking of overreactions, Hamas really brought in knife to a fucking space laser fight? Huh? Holy shit. Out of control. I'll never understand how conflict in the Middle East has lasted so long. Considering half of them face the same way…

Hey, what's up, guys? I'm not from Texas. When I first moved here, I thought I was going to have to learn, like, the Texas lingo, right? So I started saying things like, howdy, I reckon, and y'all after somebody would say the N-word. Yeah, I learned pretty quick. That's not how people talk in Austin at all. No, people here, they say things like woke and progressive. And if you live here long enough, you'll say the same kind of stuff too. Like the other day, this person walks by and I turned to my buddy and go, damn, dude, check out the ass on that day, them. Now, a little about me, I have a pocket pussy. Yeah. I'll be honest with you guys, after use it a couple times, starts to taste kind of weird. Yeah, but…

No way. No way. No way. That's what I said when my masseuse told me she farted in my mouth while I was asleep. I was, uh, I've been on the road with the counting crows for about 35 years. You see a lot of stuff, you get a lot of, uh, all things get you down, get you tense. So I try to get a massage from time to time. And I went to this, I used to get a massage from this girl. She, uh, started having too many seizures, so, had to stop using her. But, uh, so I got a new girl, bigger girl. Fat, you could say, right? And, uh, while that would push, push up on top of me, I was get a massage, get relaxed, fell asleep. And I wake up and, uh, and she goes, hey, sorry about the fart. And I said, uh, what? And at first…

So I don't think Stephen Hawking fucked any kids. Because how? There's only one thing he could have done. Only one thing that makes any sense. He'd line them up on the ground. put a ramp on either side and turned his chair up to full speed and he has the science to make it happen. I could just imagine his tires creating fire tracks. And I'm pretty sure that's how his face got that way. It's just the wind resistance. You know what I mean? He's just like, that's my set.

I was talking to my black friend the other day on the phone, and he was ignoring me. It was really pissing me off. So I was like, you know what, man? Fuck you. Go to hell. You know what? Go to Black Hell. That got his attention. Yeah, he turned around real quick. He'll, Black Hell is crazy, bro. Is it, you guys think hell's not segregated? It's run by the fucking devil. Like the most evil guy of all time? What do you think black cow would be like just more every day finding out you are the father forever? Baby's name is smoke detector, always needs batteries, you know? There's gay hell. There's two levels of gay hell, there's top end, bottom, hell yeah. Not homophobic, I just hate people that love to gossip.…

Last time I was in Austin was about $200,000. Earlier last year in rehab and yeah that's right yeah yeah let that marinate for a second so they don't take insurance and rehab but you do get to learn one thing about rehab your roommate will always be the one that's trying to jerk off when they're on volume it's two hours two hours of hearing this when you're trying to sleep and it's not even the fucking good shit like it's not even anyone that's have to say about rehab that and right and the fact that you go to sober living which is right next door so my view of from sober living house was all these fucking buildings that I couldn't come to which was really exciting and then I got served divorce papers uh yeah…

I don't know about you guys, but I am sick to death of pedophilia. Are you sick of it? I don't mean sick of adults having sex with children. I've never been for that, just the way I was raised. But I'm sick of hearing about it. You know, in New York, all I heard about was privilege and race. And that got annoying. Then I come to Texas. And all I hear about is vaccines and pedophilia. Vaccines and pedophilia. It's all people talk about. Vaccines and pedophilia. If I hear about vaccines and pedophilia one more time, I'm going to take 10 booster shots and fuck a kid. You know, I'm just... I'm bored of it. So not for a rat. I want to see what the, you know, what all this fuss is about. You know what I mean? And…

What's up, Austin? I'm not a really smart guy. I've had two disengagement in my life. My last ex, she broke up with me because she had a yeast infection, and yeah, she really loved this joke for two reasons. One, because I kept bringing up the fact that she had a yeast infection. The second reason was because while she was going through it, I kept chasing around the house, asking her what kind of bread she was making. Like, is it sourdough? Then she'd get mad and be like, well, you're definitely being a bit of a sour puss. Sorry, guys. tired of these bread jokes, much like her. She got over them pretty fast. Just a real gluten for punishment. Like I said, I'm not really a smart guy. I usually think Lance and…

This, by the way, is Little Kwame. I've been sponsoring this little guy in Africa for the last three years. At 99 cents a week, and unbeknown to me last March, my credit card expired, so he's dead. No worries, his family's still getting a little bit of money. They sold his shrunken head to a tourist. I love America, right? It's the only place you can go to work, especially olive garden, and start your shift as a chef and end up as a head chef. Thank you.

I am from Louisiana, Cajun Country. Settle down. And everyone wants to come to Cajun Country. They want to see all the stuff we have. And I'm like, look, I live there. My favorite place closed during COVID. And that was an all-you-can-eat Popeye's buffet. That's right. I don't know if you know this. Lafayette, Louisiana is home to the only Popeye buffet in the world and it was beautiful full menu fried chicken white meat dark meat all the sides you can have and all the biscuits and ketchup you can fucking eat and people ask me was it good and I'm like you shut your damn mouth and then I look him in the eyes and I tell them in May 2018 world-class chef Anthony Bourdain came to Lafayette to film an episode of…

Unlike the last guy, I just had sex for the first time in 18 months. She had a bullet. and I don't think I was her first special needs body because she knew how to seduce me. She was like, hell yeah, brother. You look like Mar from home alone and a sexy Napoleon dynamite trying to go back to my hotel room and watch YouTube. And I was fucking jazz because I knew exactly what to throw on. Eddie Guerrero versus Ray Mysterio, Halloween Havoc, 97. Am I right, ladies? I was a little nervous because I don't have the lover's touch because sometimes I bet animals too hard. But we got it cracking, dog. It's so much clapping and screaming during that hotel room session. People thought we were watching a black high school…

Um so the last like since for like an hour I was talking to um a real comic and he like telling me like dude this is the worst thing that could ever happen to you. Like coming up on stage your first night I'm like well i don't want to do that and um dude here we are of course, but like my minute I don't know when it started but um like when you come to sign up for this you uh they're like why do you think you would be good and I'm like well, You're right. I don't think I'd be good. And I just, like, I heard there's this, exquisite joy from, like, failing, like, public humiliation that you can't get anywhere else. And I'm here right now experiencing that.

I know I look like a Mormon CrossFit instructor or maybe only an extra in a Viking movie I didn't get a supporting role I have no lines I have despite that I have the emotional and financial stability of a 14 year old with a stolen credit card and divorced parents I spend most of my money at the strip club on escorts and on weed honestly so my solution is I'm gonna go to a medical trial here in Austin they're gonna inject my butt with HIV medication and in the cheek not in the hole in case anybody was wondering the I'm really staged I'm really afraid of public speaking so the only reason I did you want to finish that? The only reason I did this was to try to get Kim Congdon's attention. I tried to send her…

Y'all, uh, motherfuck Frontier Airlines, nigga, I hate them, bag Nazis, and I don't support Nazis. These niggas, if you never had the unfortunate time to go fly Waffle House Airlines, these niggas got a metal box right there, and they say, this is a bag. No, nigga, that's a box. And then they say, you gotta put your bag, it's gotta fit in here. And if it don't, everybody that work at Frontier get to beat your fucking ass. They do, and they only hire niggas from Waffle House so they know how to fight individually and as a unit. And if you didn't get your ass whipped, it's because you paid it $300,000. It costs to not have your bag fit in there. And the only reason they get to charge $300,000 motherfucking…

I'm aware that when you heard Monique Jones coming to the stage, I look like the lady who called the cops on Monique Jones. Dude, your cabbage patch kid grew up, right? Makes it easy to look me up. It's Monique Jones and I'm the white one. I first became aware of the racial profiling of my name in high school. From North Carolina. Anybody? From the South? Hell yeah, grits. Baby, what's up? How you doing? I went to meet my boyfriend's parents at his house and his mom answered, the door. I said, hey, I'm Monique Jones. And she said, really? God, look at you. Look at you. We were just talking about you over prayer. It's so nice of them to pray for me before they even met me. So nice. Get out the good napkin.…

I like having a fast sex with old women. yeah I said I like I said I like having fast sex with old women I call it going 90 to 70. yeah I love it fast sex with old i love having fast call my balls worthers originals the way I like these hip replacement husseys sucking on them you know what I'm talking about i like having fast sex with old women ladies and gentlemen do it the only one here? Do I look? The only looks I'm in fact, yeah? No. No, I like having a fast sex with a little, oh my gosh, folks. You know what I hate, though? I hate having slow sex with young pussy. I hate having slow sex with young pussy. What, am I running the government? No. And even if I was, I would If I was running the government, I'd…

Give Jeffery Epstein credit where credit is due. The guy had zero spam in his inbox. Meanwhile, StubHub emails me every hour asking, want to go to 17 concerts this weekend? I don't even get Viagra spam anymore. They're probably like, no, dog, this dude helpless. Don't even waste a digital stamp. Okay. Quick note, probably not the best timing, but when I was in Tucson recently, somebody stole my razor scooter so you know any help from the local authorities would be greatly appreciated okay that was that one let's keep moving uh so the mother of a morning show host goes missing and all y'all freak out where were y'all when the old blippy went missing oh look new blippy no explanation no outrage they replaced the…

What do you know about buying $200 worth the pregnancy test so you can pee on them, sir? Because you know you can't get pregnant, you just really need the good news right now. Sir, what do you know about pretending to be gay with your best friend so y'all can go to couples, because it's cheaper that way. Sir, what you know about having a spider that live in your room, and this niggas is not your pet? This niggas is not your pet, but you can't kill the spider because you got a white girlfriend. And she's like, the spiders keep out the bugs, and it's in the injury point. So then you chat GPT what kind of spider it is, only to find out it's a black widow. Nigger, I can't kill a black mom. Dad, this spider is my…

I was at the bar the other day, just getting a drink. And this big group of ladies came in. It was a bachelor's party. And it was like a big group of ladies. It was like a gaggle of bitches. So many. And I'm just sitting there minding my own business at the bar, having a drink. And one mom comes over and orders a drink, and then looks at me and goes, you should shave your face. You look like a rapist. And I just yelled at her. I said, yeah, you look like a victim. Got her. Got her. Got her ass. She didn't like that very much, and she chimed back. She's like, that's not funny. And I'm like, shut up, bitch, yes, it is. But don't worry, I'm not into fat chicks. And she was clearly anorexia. So got her again. I…

Did you all see this? email where Jeffrey Epstein's assistant asked him if they should invite Brian Reichel to the next big island party? Epstein replied, hell no, red man might frighten the kids. In Orlando, man was arrested for indecent exposure after neighbors saw him having sex with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his arrest, the man said, my balls are gone. I got banned from Antiques Road Show for issuing death threats after they refused to appraise my vintage bong collection. Catchers carved in pink ivory, you pompous prick. I read where Apex Twin now had more monthly listeners on YouTube than Taylor Swift. My only question is, which twin is it? Okay, that's my time. Tony.

What's going on? I've been traveling a lot lately. When I go to new cities, what I like to do is I like to buy weed. I like to take that weed and go to parks. I like to smoke that weed in parks. And I like to watch homeless people. That's how I judge how much I like a city I suggest y'all try it I was in Toronto, Ontario, Canada not too long ago, any Canadians in here? Boo, USA, USA, say it with me, brother, US. I'm gonna start a clan rally in this bit. No, I was in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, smoking weed and parks, watching homeless people and not bothering nobody doing my thing. And I see this homeless man walking by himself. There's nobody else around them. And he just says out loud, I only smoke crack on…

I don't know if y'all can tell by looking at me, but I don't have a house. I don't. I'm actually living through this app I found where I find strangers who choose me to stay at their place, water their plants, take care of their pets. It's called hinge. No, but I do go from house to house, and it usually goes pretty well. But one time I was taking care of this cat, and when I came home, I discovered that the cat, had gotten into my dirty laundry and chewed up only my underwear. So, weird way to find out you have a yeast infection. You can take the puss out of the panties, but you can't take the panties out of the puss.

So there were ice raids happening this weekend in Austin. Holy shit. As an immigrant, of course. I am anti-ice. However, as soon as I get this green card, get these rapists out of my country. That's the sort of dude I am. Once I'm in, I pull the ladder up. I always thought I'm safe from ice because I'm white, but holy shit things have changed. They're shooting white women now. The most valuable commodity in America. God, I felt bad for that lady. But then I watched the whole video. It was about time a Karen got shot. You know what I'm saying? Too much this going on, you know? People feel bad for her. I asked all my black friends, they were like, oh, shot by law enforcement?

Happy New Year, everybody. Since it's a new year, I decided I make new rules for myself. My newest rule is I decided I'm gonna stop dating women with cats. Yeah, it's tough because I don't know if y'all knew this, but women with cats are the biggest holes out here. And it's so easy to keep a cat woman happy because she's already used to somebody in her house that doesn't love her. Like my ex used to have a cat, and it's weird because I'm trying to be a good guy, but clearly she loves abuse. Because like every time she would feed her cat, her cat would just beat her ass. I'm like, God damn. I'm like, damn, I want her to cook for me, so I figure if I want some food, I gotta keep it even with the cat. I didn't…

You know what degrading it is to have a homeless man put his sign down when he sees your car pull up? You guys, too, huh? Yeah, having me on my way here. I pulled off on a phone. 5th Street and this homeless guy just ooh maybe homeless but they're not dumb I rolled my window down tried giving him money he tried handing me a water bottle that's how bad it is for me seriously I drive a really old beat-up 2002 Honda Sierra V it's been rear-ended probably as many times as Tony yeah I'm also like dumb broke though like I won't even buy a Powerball ticket till it's at least at one billion. I'm going to risk five bucks for $20 million, you know? Like, what's that really going to do for me? Happy Black History Month,…

Oh, yeah. How are you guys? It was very fun watching what you guys did to that guy over there. Because he's more successful than me. I'm shit. I've never fucking done comedy. I never felt more like I wasted nine years of my life than... right now. It's... Okay, they're laughing. I, like, I shat myself, it just went inside back in the other way. I can actually do stuff. I'm from Turkey. It's not a happy place, you know, the state motto is, if you're happy and you know it, give it back right now. It doesn't look at it. But I was there for two years. Like, I lived in LA for a long time, then I moved back there, and then I came back here and I'm like in this time I've realized how to make America great again…

You know, as I'm learning more about this country in English, I realize everything's better when it's white. For example, a normal person just lives in the house, but the most powerful person lives in the white house? White collar jobs are better than blue color jobs. They're more intellectual and pay more. White lives are better than other lives, because they come from good intentions. That would be some sort of white. Even Diddy knows white is better. Diddy used to host white parties in Hollywood. Best parties you can never find. You can only wear white in that party, right? They got eight-less celebrities, unlimited baby oil. And guess what? When he's arrested, not white enough to get pardoned by the White…

Man, it's cool you're all here. 11 years, I've never been pulled before. So that's, you know, 11 years of comedy, man. Yeah, sure, I don't have enough time. Shut up. It's hard making money doing this, man, 11 years. I just got back. I was doing shows in the Denver area and I'll stop by like a homeless guy outside the comedy club. He goes, excuse me, sir, can you spare some? change and I told him I was like look dude I don't have any money I'm a stand-up comedian and then I shit you not guys this homeless guy like pause and assessed my fucking situation right the dude looks up and down that's gonna be he just goes my bad fam you right and that fucked me up guys that ruined my whole week my bad fan I know I…

I got two degrees and four years in college brag I was always bad at school what I realized is instead of in order to take advanced classes you had to take arts appreciation a global perspective and a social diversity course and I realized there's a glitch in the scheduling software. By chance, dance appreciation, counted as all three. So I thought about it, and I was like, man, I could take feminism one, two, and three, or I could study how to be great at parties. My friends hate it. They're like, Matt, you're cheating in your education. I was like, yeah, that's the point. I'm the one paying for it. I remember one day I walk in my roommate. He's, like, sitting on his desk. He's furious. He's, like, typing.…

What's good, everybody? So my name is Zachariah Tippett. I have this cool thing called Tourette Syndrome. And tonight, fuck, y'all need to know that children are mean. Fuck. I used to explain Tourette syndrome as sort of a superpower. And then one kid stood up and yelled, What makes you think you to be a superhero? Fuck. You can't even win a game of hide and seek. Fuck. They emote it on me. So after a few triple H moves later. Fuck. I'm no longer allowed to be a motivational speaker. Fuck. Now I'm a Walmart greeter. Welcome. Fuck you. Thank you, everybody.

Hey, Mothership, it's good to be here. I've always had a nervous energy about me my whole life. But stand-up has helped me a lot. It's been a huge confidence boost. Sometimes after I get off stage now, people come up to me and they'll be like, Layla, great set. And that makes me feel good because they're just B-cups. Okay, sick, sick, sick. A little bit about me. I can't watch Kevin Bacon movies with my dad. He's Muslim. I have been single now for like 13 or 14 months. I don't remember exactly. I'll have to recount the slits on my wrist. It's been 14. I was with a guy for six years. And then after six years, he told me he needed blonde hair and big boobs to come. And I was like, well, we can dye your hair.

Last Christmas, a Corpus Christi coroner was in court for having intercourse with corpses. And they said it was the best sex ever, magical even, Abercadver if you will. Now that's what I call Netflix and chilled. There's a burial plot to us. The offender's actually a woman. Thank the Lord for rigor mortis. She testified that her favorite movies are die hard and rise of the living dead. In related news, a local drive-by shooting at 12 casualties. That means she was down there gang banging gang bangers. It was Crips and blood everywhere with no regard for human life because there wasn't any. She's also facing sexual battery charges, literally, because she had jumper cables hooked up to their nipples. Here's the…

Hell yeah. You guys remember when driving a Tesla made you a Nazi? I miss those days. I like being called a different type of N-word. Which is ironic. I'm from Idaho. That place is full of N-words. I had to go out and buy myself a Tesla model Third Reich. That's where I drive now. See, this joke is only fun and silly if you can remember that the N-word means Nazi, right? So anyway, I see this group of filthy fucking N-words coming down the sidewalk. And they were headed right towards me because I was screaming out N-word lives don't matter. Yeah, I hate Black people. But not as much as I hate those blonde-haired, blue-eyed, N-words.

Big Pop in the beginning, listen, a lot of people have been saying, Timmy No Jokes this, Timmy No Jokes that I know. I can write jokes, so I wrote a few jokes. So I wrote a few jokes for you guys. I have a lot of nervous energy. But stand-up has given me a lot of confidence. Because sometimes after I get off stage, people come up to me and say, great set. And that makes me feel good because they're just B-cups. Don't you fucking dumb-ass retards? That's pretty fucking easy. He's another one. Sam J, ladies and gentlemen, She's a black lesbo, which means she doesn't eat pussy. She all hell knows on it. Relinquishment time. What the fuck? Wow.

Well, I just came from Shanghai. I'm sorry if some of my humor doesn't land. But I'm used to talking to people who don't speak English. So if you don't mind, I'm going to talk a little bit about some Chinese problems. If you people think that they don't drive well over here, you should see how they walk. There's this one guy. He walked into me about ten times. It's kind of like those remote cars when they bump into something. They just, boom, boom. They don't even look up from their phone. They just keep on bouncing into your ass until they just burn out. The other problem is they got a lot of metrosexuals out there. Does anyone know what a metrosexual is? If you don't know what a metro... Calm down,…

Hey, I just slept with my first white woman. Hey, I'm glad you proud, nigga, because my girl was pissed. For real, man, it's bad. This is bad for, for... I had never been one. I've never a white woman before, but I come fast, I bust quick. Some people say premature, I like to say right on time. But now, as soon as I put it in, I bust, like, instantly, nigga. I was like, my bad, I'm sorry, oh my God. She said, no, Jerome, it's okay. I said, that's not my name. But I like the energy, though. It's real supportive, bro. It's very supportive. This white woman, though, she changed my life, brother. She fucked me up, nigg. She fucked me so good. I drink IPAs now. I'm for real. My homie hit me up. He was like, you're…

Kill Tony. Wonderful. So, I'm on shrooms. I got a lead with that. Sorry. What are the odds? This is my second time I sign up. There's no way they're fucking picking me. I'm shrooming pretty hard. Give me a little benefit, okay? So I guess stuck here for the ice. Stayed at a goddamn hotel. Very nice hotel. But you know, how many times can a 60-year-old man jerk off and one afternoon? 38. The answer's 38. 69 would have been funnier, but it's really 38. So the mushrooms thing, anybody do psilocybin? But, God damn it's bright. Oh, yeah, anybody's shrooming tonight? Whoop, whoop. Well, I am. Well, that was a bad idea. It's going to turn out fine, I'm sure. So I talked to all these young people, and I'm like,…

Yo, what's going on? Kill Tony. Yo, recently I've been trying to date, but it's been very hard with an Android phone because for some reason, iPhone users always discriminate on me based off the color of my text messages. You know what I mean? It's always weird. Like, every time I'm in a club and I'm trying to talk to a girl, I feel like Martin Luther King. I'm like, I have a dream that one day green messages in blue messages. We'll wait that they come together. You know what I mean? It was great. Like, I can imagine I'll have, like, a group of Android supporters behind me leaving the club. They'll be chatting shit like, green or blue, we don't care. Let us see your underwear. Like, shit's crazy. Across the…

My mother was watching the news the other night, and she heard people talk about doxing one another. She goes, honey, what is doxing? I said, oh, it's when two guys get in a ring and punch each other with their dicks. The waiter walks out and goes, who ordered the amber jack? I raised my hand and he sets it down in front of me. I look and I say, wait, this has whiskers. Have I literally been catfished? Can you imagine if you were a flat earther, like a depressed flat earther? And one day you tell your flat earther, friends, I really can't take it anymore. I'm just going to walk this way and I'm never going to stop. And they're all like, no, don't do it. No. And then around 80 days later, you show up from the…

Ever since getting on this show, I have never been called autistic more in my entire life. And when I say autistic, they're saying retarded, a lot. And when I say they, I mean my dad. This guy, he won't stop saying it. I'm just Jewish, man. I'm just fucking... I'm so Jewish. I have family on both Epstein and Schindler's list, dude. But I... You know, I realize there's a lot of similarities between autism and Judaism, dude. There are. Like, there are, man. Like, I mean, we're both loud. We're prone to nervousness. We're very socially... Shut the fuck up, dude. We're... No, we're very anxious people. We can be obsessive. But I realize the number one difference between autism and Judaism is that Jews don't like…

A lot of crazy stuff going on to Minneapolis. Why's everybody mad at all these Somaliers? They whining a lot, but that's cool, whatever. Don Lemon recently got arrested. That shit's crazy. Just goes to show. when life gives you lemons, get legal aid. I don't know what he did, but whatever. All right, buckle in, guys. What is the difference between a Jewish person and an undercover cop? You may never know you were talking to a cop. Thank you.

So, uh, I don't do one night stands anymore. I do two night stands. Otherwise, it looks, you know, makes the bedroom look uneven. Yeah, last time I hooked up with the girls on 6th Street and, you know, she takes me home. I'm super drunk, she's super high, you know. We start mac and as soon as we walk through the door. And, you know, I go down on her. I don't know why I was just in the moment. I go down on her. I'm horny, that's why. But, yeah, she stops me. I'm like, oh, shit, is she on her period? No. I'm like, she trans? No. She told me she had a DUI, or that's why I thought I heard, you know? And I'm like, why did you tell me this now? You drove us here and then you're going to tell me that? That's fucking…

What's going on? Hell yeah. So even though I'm 5-1, I am into taller women, and so that could be hard. So I got these shoes that make me 5-3. Don't believe me, we'll call this mic stand 5-3, and now we're at 5-1. But even with the shoes, like tall women are still hard to hit on. Like I was hit on this one super-tall girl if she was like 5-5. And she looks down at me, and she's like, boy, you're so short, you would have to go up on me in the bedroom. I'm like, that's a weird way to ask if I keep a step ladder in my trunk. I'm like, girl, what do you think I'm wearing this shirt for? Like, I'm trying to eat my way to your heart. You know what I'm saying? But on the same note, I hate tall dudes who use the short…

And I think on the reason that we got these little self-driving-ass cars in Austin is because there's not no black people to go, uh-uh. I hate these little self-driving ass cars because they don't leave the human factor in there. Because if I'm drunk and I'm going home, who's going to wake me up in the Waymo? When you get drunk and you get into an Uber, the Uber driver wake you up and they so... Hey, sir, you're at your house. You know who wakes you up in a Waymo? The Tempe Police in Phoenix, Arizona. That's where I went to sleep in a Waymo. And these niggas weren't nice. or kind at all. Take it from one example. One time, because I'm a heavy sleeper, that's why they was mad at me about waking me up in the…

Yo, fuck yeah. You, give it up for myself one time. Hell yeah. Fuck, I actually have a real-life question. Is anyone in here subletting a room? Fuck me, bro. God damn. Does anyone see themselves living with me at all? Jesus Christ. All right, well, it's because I have to move out of my apartment, like, really bad. Like, all right, this is a text message thread between, like, me and my landlord. I had to write it down. All right, this is what I said to it. I said, um, I said, um, Mr. Landlord, no, I said, Mr. Landlord, man, can you please come tomorrow between 10 a.m. and 1 p.m. to fix the AC unit? And this is what he said. He said, you short little Mexican man. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. He ain't say that.…

What's up? Hey, cool. Okay, sorry. Hey, I started to do this new thing on dating apps. I use my baby pictures. And then I say, swipe right if you want to see how it turned out. And, you know, they're like, oh my God, I know what happened. Like, chill out, chill out. It's been 30 years. Okay. Has anyone ever used it? Flashlight? You know what? I didn't know. You have to loom it, you know? I was doing it, and I was like, this hurts. I was, I don't know if I'm not to come, but if I bleed, you know

I like hot dogs, and my mom has a tramp stamp. You can forgive your mom for getting a tram stamp when she's young. My mom was 44 and her third divorce. I don't think I should be able to remember my mom coming home with a tramp stamp. I definitely shouldn't have been old enough to drive away from the situation. A lot of people jerking off to cartoons these days. I don't like it. It's weird. It's weird and it's gross. Why are you doing that? Stop. A guy went to art school to draw cat ears and I don't like it. I'm bad at drawing hands and they're nailing tentacles. I'm a hypocrite though I grew up loving the goofy movie it's a great movie I like hot dogs I like hot dogs

I haven't had a chance to get medicated yet tonight does anybody have a spare Ozempic they could throw up on stage I could really use that shit has anybody in here ever gone on fat splashing before. I'm sorry, that's what I call skinny dipping. I used to date this Latina. She would make me drive her really far to try new restaurants. The reason she broke up with me, she found out her name in my phone was Torto the Explorer. Yeah, that fucked me up. That was hard. It was even rougher that I had her aunt in my phone as tortilla.

Guys, I hate the Greyhound. I'm so glad I don't go take the Greyhound no more. One time, a nigga with no arms stole my wallet. I'll say it again. A n*gga with no arms stole my wallet. And the only reason why I called him is because my wallet was in my hoodie because it was cold out and I felt that n*gga big toes scraped across my tummy. And then while I awoke, that shit was right there in between his thumb toe, I don't know what you call it, but his thumb toe and his index toe was gripping that motherfucker, and he got strong legs. He got nice legs, because you know how like Daredevil, his eyes don't work, so his ears is stronger, so his arms is his legs. So when I tried to grab that shit, I had to like tug…

Yo, yo, yo, yo, what's going on, y'all? How's it going tonight? Yeah, yeah. So I was told recently, y'all, that I looked like Hyde from that 70s show. And yeah, I don't know if you keep up with the news or nothing like that, but, yeah, just pretty disgusting to be compared to somebody who's a known Scientologist. You know what I mean, guys? You know, because there's nothing worse than that, right, guys? Right? Now, I'm just gonna, he did do a couple rapes, though. He did do a couple rapes, so... I just like to think that the guy, that compared me to him was like, I haven't seen him on anything in a while. Like, I love that 70s show. What's he been in? And I was like, I don't know. You're probably not going to…

Hope you guys are staying warm, you know, driving safe. There's a lot of ice on the road and not just the good kind. Not just the brave men and women who are trying to make sure these sexy Latinas don't suck her cocks. But the bad kind that enters your home without a warrant. My only problem with ICE is that they're going after every minority group except black people. I mean, you're trying to reduce crime. You can just give it them more room to breathe. But I understand, can you imagine the shape you have to be in to deport black people? Yeah, I'm actually training for the three-gun competition right now. That's where you shoot a pistol, a rifle, and a shotgun in under three minutes. Just in case I get…

How's it going? I'm 35 years old. I used to want kids real bad. I used to want guns real bad, too. Now I don't know if I want either one, you know? I kind of see them as the same thing. You know, they're both dangerous. And whenever somebody has one, they're always like, do you want to hold it? And I'm like, no. No, I know way too many people in jail for touching those things. You know what I mean? No, yuck. Get my fingerprints off it, yeah? I feel like guns are a lot like kids too because all the worst people I know hold their sideways. You know, it's either like, give me your fucking money or like baby hanging off the hip at Walmart, you know, some white woman and cookie monster pajama bottoms even though…

I am Sharon Ruth Hensley, and I have two helpful hints for the male of our species to better interact with me. One, if you insist on mentioning your penis, Tony, more than once within a short period of time, I will have questions and or comments. I am not responsible for what form those take, and inquiring minds still want to know your circumcision status. Two, if you insist on sending me pictures of said penis, Tony's audience, Be aware, in Texas in a handful of other states, it is against the law. I find them amusing, so I will allow it. If, and only if, you follow these guidelines. Well lit, head to toe, nude, fully erect, holding a 16-ounce bottle adjacent for size comparison. Thank you.

I'm in a great mood. I'm dating a beautiful girl. Beautiful girl. I shouldn't say girl. She actually identifies as non-binary. Yeah. Which I got to say, fellas, it's the best of both world. You know, I come home from work. I'm depending on my mood, I can make love to her or beat this shit out of him, you know? You get away with it. No, no, no, no, officer. She put on the makeup to cover the black guy I gave him. Not the other way around, you know? You get away with it. It's amazing. Well, I was signing up 57 times. I don't know if I'll ever be back. I have to tell Austin I have the biggest penis in Austin. This is a fact. Look, I do. I'd have the biggest thing in Austin. I'm not bragging. I bought it. That's…

Hey, everybody. Tell us our again. I've been trying to gain muscle, lose some weight. So I downloaded this new app that doesn't let me use my phone until I do enough push-ups. So if you see my friends and family, tell them I'm alive. Tell them I miss them. Yeah, yeah, I, my luck with technology hasn't been great. I fell on a lime scooter about a month ago, and I fell on my right hand, and I couldn't use it for a while, and it made things awkward because I'm a righty. And I ran into my ex-girlfriend at this bar. She was drunk, I was drunk, so we made out. She was like, I want you to finger me right now. But all I had was my left. And the best way I could describe it, you ever try to plug your charger in the…

Oh my God, it is so good to be back home. Oh my God. I hate flying. I'm scared of it. And that's not an irrational fear. And I'm tired of people bullying. We not supposed to be up there. Alright. We are not supposed to be up there. And if we were supposed to be up there, then why did God invent gravity? Alright. God wanted us on this ground, not in the air. He wanted us in the air. He would've made us angels. But we not supposed to be up there. We're defying. God. Alright, we are defying God being up there. And I'm not religious, but when that plane start turbo, n*gga, I believe in God. When, when the, when the plane got tuberculosis, n*gga, Judy. Oh, oh Father, who out in Heaven Hall. Peace. That name. You…

Yikes. That was kind of gross about that guy. Mattel Toy Company has just come out with an autistic version of Barbie and luckily this version still has those great tits. Okay, this next joke is for the ladies. You're like, Hey, if they don't have Monta one, just get Monta three. Yeah. That's like saying, Hey, if the video store doesn't have Godfather part one, just rank Godfather part three. Are you kidding me? One of those is a pharmaceutical masterpiece and the other one, it has its flaws. Okay. All the ladies are laughing at that one out there. That was it. Somebody was telling me how much ice was in Minnesota And I was like, yeah, it's January, you dumbass. This weekend I got a new Mercedes in Mario car.…

Do female Crips menstruate. I just know they don't fuck with blood like that. My girlfriend has the daddy dom little girl kink. If you don't know what that is, that's where she pretends she's a little girl. I'm not into it, but I just want to be a supportive boyfriend. But I don't got kids. I don't know what to do, so I just do what my dad did. I get drunk and beat the shit out of her. We all jerk off in front of our pets. Have you ever came on?

Guys. Believe it or not, I was actually born prematurely. My dad came quick. It's crazy. The other day I was out in public with my dog and it took a shit And I didn't have a bag. And I did that move, you know? And I was like, man, is this what white guilt feels like? Having to make excuses for animals? Alright, you're gonna love this next one. I've been really working on this impression here. I'm gonna hit you with it. Oh yeah boss. They look like a skinny Mexican and they talk like a oh yo yo yo. Oh yo, yo yo Yo. That's the Japanese scene. The Navajo code talkers for the first time. Little history for your ass. Before I was a dad, I was a drug addict And I thought I was gonna be a terrible father. So I found…

Come. Comedy mothership makes some noise. If you're having a good time, let me hear you go. Woo woo. Let me hear you go. Aw tsm, I have it. Could you tell something that doesn't totally make sense about me being on the spectrum is my favorite kind of adult videos. Have lots of eye contact. Thank you. Thank you. Don't you fucking look away. Thank you. Thank you. I'm hard as a rock right now. Thank you. I got four eyes. Look at 'em man. Eyes up here Ladies and gentlemen. I got five eyes. Look at 'em. Okay, six, seven eyes. Look at 'em. So now from from here to here, I just look like a hot lady in one of those Renaissance paintings. Oh my Lord. Is my visage not pleasing to you? Thank you very much.

Guys. I've been, I've been microdosing a lot. Like a lot. Probably too much. Just a little bit throughout the day, you know, that's how they say microdose. I've been microdosing cocaine because that's how you do it. If I could afford a macro dose, I would. I can't. They said p diddy had a thousand bottles of lube. P did had a thousand bottles of lube left. You gotta understand LeBron is tall. That's a lot of baby oil. It just makes me wonder like the Oscars and the Grammys, what are these after parties like Epstein's Dead and PDs in jail. They gotta suck dude. Those actors are like, I'm not going the NAFTA parties. He's only got like a thousand bottles left. This isn't gonna be that fun. Okay.

Thank you. Thank you very much. I've got an embarrassing confession to make. I've recently learned that spilling the beans does not mean fumbling a hot Latina. I don't understand these phrases. I'm from Sudan. I'm not American. I just moved there five years ago. And as you can imagine, I've been misgendering people left and right or stuff like that. Until I learn I'll never have to worry about misgendering. If I just call everybody my nigga. Makes it a whole lot easier for me. Also learned that in America, we don't trust the government. I mean what kind of government shuts down? And then the Air Force said the freezing area 51 program, or as I like to call it, putting the aliens on ice has to be the only…

Good evening, virgins and gentlemen. I am Sheikh Ahmed. I teach a one minute workshop to infidels. How to treat your virgin. First, bend your knees. Second, you throw the hijab at the virgin. Cover yourself up. Cover yourself up. Cover yourself up. And third, you dodge for anything the virgin throws back at you. Hong Kong. I, we have a saying in Middle East. An eye for an eye. And where are the virgins? They should go to Chick-fil-A. The Chick-fil-A. That's where the virgins are. Well, in Middle East we don't have Bring your child to work day because it gets too crowded at seven 11. Anyone needs a ride? My Ubers park outside. Thank you very much. I am not here to bomb anyone.

In my experience, black people listen, are less uptight about race than white people are. You feel how tense the white people are? I used to drive DoorDash in a ski town and let's be honest, not a lot of black people ski. So I was driving DoorDash, this is a true story. And I pulled into a busy parking lot at the base of the ski village to drop off an order. And I called up my guy, I said, Hey, I got your food. I'm pulling up. I'm in a silver Nissan Rogue. And he said, alright, I'm black. I found him. I was surprised he said that. But he was being helpful and actually he was more helpful than I was because there were more silver Nissan rogues and black people in that parking lot.

I am so happy to be here. I I've actually been going through a depression these last six years, you know, since the pandemic. And it, it started when I lost my dad. Did anybody else lose someone during that time when you couldn't be with your loved ones in their last moments? I sorry to bring the party down, but I got the phone call and the lady was like, is this, is this Tina? And I said, yes. And she said, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your dad has been pronounced dead. And I was in shock And I was confused because my mom pronounces it. Deadbeat dad, you guys don't have to feel bad for me. I, he didn't leave a will, but I did inherit his blue handicap parking tag. So where did y'all park? You know, I do…

Thank you. How we doing? Name's Yang. Fun fact about me. I was adopted by a few white guys ever since I came to the United States at the age of 20. Most comedians call themselves comics. I just get called a Callie as an immigrant. The first question people ask me is always, Hey, are you here by yourself? Do you have family here? And when I tell them no, I don't have family here, they always pity me. They say, oh, I'm sorry you're here alone. I mean, yeah, that's exactly why I'm here. You think I flew 13 hours all the way across the world so I can see them again? I'm here to get away from them. Hello America. Thank you.

Howdy. I just moved outta my parents' house for the third time in my life. It's, it's great. 'cause I had to go outside every time I wanted to masturbate. Let me tell you something. Jerking off in a car really sucks. Especially when you don't own one. It's whole, whole lot of door angling, you know? It's a whole new meaning to carjacking. Are y'all familiar with Clifford? Yeah. Hell yeah. We got some readers here in the mothership. It's a good thing he was neutered, right? Yeah. Can you imagine his big red balls just swinging, destroying cities would've been catastrophic. I just lost my father recently. Don't worry. We found him. He was just in the next room. Dead.

Hey everybody. Waka wack walk. Nanu Nanu. My mother-in-law survived stage four pancreatic cancer by having her pancreas cut out. That's right. Yeah. My mother-in-law was born in Sendai Japan and in Jap in Japan, they don't have the same diseases that we do. They don't have the same health problems, they don't have pancreatic cancer. So they gave her two choices. They were like, you can either live and we cut out your pancreas or you keep your pancreas in and you die. So she was like, I want to leave. So they cut out her pancreas. So she now has a permanent insulin pump and type three diabetes, which I like to call diabetes. But so in one woman, my mother-in-law, the Japanese cured pancreatic cancer. They…

Okay, thank you. Once I was talking to a girl at a bar And I thought it was going okay, but she threw a drink in my face. I was like, Hey, watch it. There's $30 a roofies in there. So the problem with that joke is I don't know if that's the right amount of money to say. I'm afraid to look it up. I'm nice. I would never cat call a lady because that would give away my position. No, I would never stalk woman either because I feel like it'd be boring after like an hour. You know, like, oh, she's going to the grocery store. Oh, she's going to yoga. Oh, she's going to the police station. Oh, she's coming back out. She's pointing at me. Okay, thank you.

Hey, I think the darkest thing going on with Kanye West is his diamond and crusted swastika chain chain. That's dark. 'cause if you know anything about the diamond business in this country, you know the person who made that chain is Jewish. So there's a guy out there that knows exactly how much his soul is worth. Oh they, what do you want me to make? It's gonna holocaust You fucking That is a rough joke to do in Yeezy. I'm aware of that. That is, yo, these shoes are comfortable as fuck. I don't care. That's all I care about. You could say the worst things in the world about Muslim people. If you made the most comfortable our shoes, I'd wear that shit with pride too. You'd be like, what are those? They'd be…

Hello. Thank you. I, I had jaw surgery growing up. It's a fun fact that I like to bring up on dates. And I was on one day and this girl was like, oh my gosh, can we, can we still kiss? I was like, actually I just prefer sex. She said, I prefer we just kiss. I was like, Alright. Well I know you paid for dinner, but I prefer we kiss. Ah, she had a kid too, which was crazy. And you know, we got along. Me and her kid got along until one night. That kid called me Dad. Yeah, dude, I'm with you. I left. I I was only 18 at the time. Alright. I was only 18. Okay. I can't be responsible for a 15-year-old. Like I see him, I see him in school every day. We take the same classes. He helps me out homework every night. I was…

I made a mistake. I shaved my beard after two years. I used to look like a man, a homeless man, but still a man Now I look like I never got over Weezer. I look like I never, I look like the cook chair at the hotel was created for me politically. I am a leftist right wing liberal. Far right, left, right woke racist. I'm only joking guys. I am not woke And I don't like politics, but I do like starting Poli Pol political arguments on social media. I like it so much that if I had pronouns they would be blocked. And report should also mention that I am not racist because I have a friend who is black. Everyone knows if you have one or more black friends, you can't be a racist now. I'll be honest, I haven't hung out…

The first time me and my boyfriend ever slept together. When he got in bed, he accidentally like, need me writing the pussy. I was like, that's a weird way to check if I have a dick. Dick, my new boyfriend, he's really nice. He likes the Muppets and he sings Wicked with me in the car. So my mom really likes him, but he's a little racist. So my dad likes him too. He does comedy as well and he's been doing it for way less than I have. And he gets booked more than I do, which means not only is he funnier than me, it means he sucks better Dick than I do too. I love Austin, I really do. But man, half the people look, half the men here look like they'll roof for you while the other half of 'em look like they're…

How's it going folks? Good to see ya. I went to the strip club with my dad. Not that fun. Getting hard with your dad sucked. Yeah. I don't really wanna get hard with any of my relatives except my cousin. I feel like if you don't want to bang your cousin, you just don't have a cousin. Hot enough. My cousin is gorgeous. Okay. She looks like Italian Pocahontas. I would pay money to see my cousin naked. I try every Thanksgiving. I'm gonna try again on New Year's. I'm pretty sexually adventurous folks. I've gotten like 300 Asian massages with happy endings. I call 'em Jackie Chans. Big fan of Jackie Chan. And these massages are so good. They're too good because now I can't come without Asian woman. Sound effects.…

Good day. I'm from Australia. I'm trying to move here. Get away from gun violence. I'm a single mother. People say that's bad for kids, but I reckon abortions do more damage. I've been going to the gym a bit recently for my mental health. I've already got a six pack. I just wanna stop wishing I was dead. Membership was cheap and the gym's on top of a tall building. I don't do long at the gym. I go for like 20 minutes. Turns out pissing off Fat Chicks is a real mood booster. They're just jokes. I think Fat Lives matter. I've got a lot of sympathy for fat people because I was anorexic. I know exactly what it's like to feel obese

You know, I started reading a lot of history books recently And I came across this book, it's called Bear My Heart of Wounded Knee. It's a total incomplete history of Native America. And I was reading this book And I was thinking about modern politics. And I think you can say whatever you want about Donald Trump is as the president, if we look back at history, he would've made an excellent Native American war chief. Do you want to know the group of people who could have used Donald Trump's immigration plan the most? The original Native Americans, that's who could used it. You know, he is like, the white people are coming here bringing tea, bringing crime, some of whom could be good people, not these people.…

Thank you Austin. You know most women get preyed on PREY but I get preyed on PRAY. Hell yeah. I'm blessed. You know, a lot of people think that I would swipe right on anyone. I'm gonna tell you right now, as soon as I see wheels, I'm swiping left. Like we can't both be physically like vulnerable, you know what I'm saying? We gotta like make Ikea furniture, you know, like we gotta go to UPS store, return some Amazon package. Oh. But when it comes to people I actually date, it's mostly military men and the thing about them is civilian men, not military. They would tell me about how strong I am. Like just all day. But with military guys, a lot of their friend's legs been blown off. And I got both of mine. You…

How's going? I overheard a, a lesbian talking to her friend about how she's gonna spice up her relationship. And she's like, yeah, we're getting a fleshlight for our dildo. That's a, you know, third party. But I was, I was in traffic and I saw this lesbian again driving in a car, except she wasn't on the road. She was like on the sidewalk. And it wasn't a real car. It was like a, like a much smaller car and like, kind of odd lock, odd looking. And on the back of her window it said toys are just like real boys. And it was, I was, I was kind of drunk the other night And I, I thought I walked into a Whataburger, but it was, it was a d Madness's house. And he was like, what a burger. And, and let's, let's say when…

I don't have a single black friend. People assume I'm mentally retarded and they start playing Sure aids with me. It happens six times at the airport on the way here. Like I ordered Starbucks and my order was ready and she starts doing this. By the sixth time I just started doing it back to them. Hey Sharon, I'm going two. Kill your whole fucking family, you stupid piece of fucking shit.

How we doing? Everybody? Damn fuck man. I just got addicted to OnlyFans. Yeah man. You guys realize OnlyFans is like the new form of scratch offs. Yeah, it'd be on a homepages, blurry picture. $5. Like I can afford that. I bought 10 of 'em one time right there. Pack of Pokemon cards. I started ripping 'em looking for a charr. It was just a bunch of EVs. I was like, ah. Damnit. Yeah. One time dude, I bought a 10 pack worth of toes, $10. I'm like, bitch, this is $4 worth of toes max. Yeah, I looked at it, I was like, I I, I sent another dollar 99, just a messenger. I was like, bitch, this is $4 worth of toes max. So he painted his skin on that pinky toe. You, that's a nub. Fucking crazy. OnlyFans is, I feel like…

I, I saw a black guy driving a Waymo. He definitely stole that shit. There's no other way. I actually saw a te, a black technician driving it. The joke road itself anyway, but I asked my gay friend, what is it like to be gay? And he said it sucks cock. That's amazing. I find out bananas are technically berries. Did you guys know that? No. I always knew you could bury them up your ass, but I never would've pegged them as berries. Donate. Y'all ever notice that? Trans women are always really cool dudes. They're great guys. Every time I love trans women. I'm 1950s gay. That means I like black women according to my grandpa. That's gay.

I hate audience participation exercises. Who's with me? I'm getting older. I'm going a bald spot. If my granny would've said, if you don't stop. Doing that, you're gonna go Bald. Well then she would've been right. I know I'm getting older. I'm getting older. I'm going to massage parlors just to get a massage. My skin's starting to wrinkle when I'm talking. When black people talk to me, I've noticed they subconsciously lick their lips And I think it's 'cause I'm starting to look like fried chicken.

I remember the first time I caught my parents fucking, my mom had to sit me down and gimme the talk. She says son, when a man and a woman love each other very much that buy a ball gag. And I said, mom put a shirt on. And while my mom went to put a shirt on, my dad came to gimme the same talk. He said, Sean, I'm autistic. And I found out the other day that I look autistic. 'cause I went to the Olive Garden and the waitress handed me crayons and paper And I was trying to explain that to her that that's dehumanizing. But dehumanizing is really hard to pronounce when you're chewing on a fist full of crayons and have a ball gag in your mouth. Thank you guys very much.

Hello Austin. A guy talked to me the other day he says hey main, do you like cowboys. I said hell yeah I like cowboys we live in Texas and there's cowboys everywhere. He says, well how do you feel about Westerns? Hell yeah, I like westerns, there's cowboys in them. And he said, well how do you feel about camping? Well camping is a cowboys' life. Anyways, we decided to go camping on this place called, Broke Back Mountain. I got real sleepy after dinner for some reason, the next thing I know is it's morning. And you know what I found out about camping. Camping makes my asshole sore. So much so, my asshole wrote me this note. It said I'll never quite, your asshole. And funny thing was it was in my new buddy's…

I asked my mum the other day seeing how she's so pro-choice, why she decided to have me circumcised. She told me it was medically necessary. I've read books, that's a lie. She said look here smartass, when you were born you had a condition where you didn't have eyelids. So your father and I did you the service of having you circumcised so that there was some skin to graft on. And before I could say a word, she said, why else do you think your daddy always calls you cock-eyed?

Ahhh man. I have a one-year old nephew named Niko. He's a cute baby we like him. For Christmas we went over to his house. And he was sitting on the floor on front of me, maintaining eye contact. It's never a good thing. And in this moment this fucking baby decides to stand up and take his first steps... The disrespect... Unfounded. Why don't we learn how to read a room before we walk. I tripped him...

No chance I can transcribe this, just go watch and enjoy.