Billy Sherman

What's up, everybody? Anybody ever got their ass beat as a kid? You see how happy they fucking sound? You gotta beat your motherfucking kids. But don't Lindsay them, you know what I'm saying? You gotta beat them. My mom would beat my ass and take me to McDonald's. It was the weirdest form of therapy, man. She would beat me and then give me a McFlurry like it was hush money. And that shit worked, bro. Like, it actually worked. One time I saw a kid with two McFlurries, and I was like, we got to call CPS. I know you're not wearing that hoodie because you're cold, all right? Like, blink twice, bitch. You know what I'm saying? It's tough, though, man. I got beat. So the McAss beans were so damn bad, I turned purple like Grimace. Like, it was bad. And, you know, I got to hire a dominatrix just to process the menu when I go to McDonald's. She's beating my ass with leather on and shit. You know? But no, honestly, though, the McDonald's jingle just gives me, like, PTSD, dude. Because any time I hear that shit, it's just... All right, thank y'all.

What's up, everybody? Yeah. So I'm Puerto Rican, Portuguese, Native American, Middle Eastern, Italian, and Jewish. And if I was a woman, I would look exactly the same. I'm Puerto Rican and Jewish, which means I'm expensive garbage. So, yeah, it's tough. I'm Puerto Rican and Jewish, which means I'm expensive garbage. So... Yeah, it's tough. It's tough being Puerto Rican and Jewish. Puerto Ricans are known for two things. They know how to dance and stab people. So please laugh at these jokes. I was driving down the street the other day, and I saw a sign that said, Drive like your kids live here. So I drove away. Actually, I don't remember what I was doing because I was wasted. So, yeah. My mom told me that if my son pees on me, it means that he loves me. So I figured I'd show my dad some love. And now I can't go back to the cemetery.