Ali Musa

I was doing this show recently, and I was really distracted by a very heavyset woman sitting right in the front. And I'm not making fun of her for being big, but she was wearing one of those shirts that say pink. So it said pink right across her chest, except the bottom part of the P was squished right in between her boob and belly like this. So the whole time I just thought it said oink. Holy shit, that is a confident lady. I thought it was Lizzo's new clothing line. I was like, let's go. You know, I'm sure you guys have all heard that stigma, like the coolest you can feel as a white person is being invited to the black cookout, right? Well, I brought a black friend to a white cookout, and it was the opposite energy. He did not want to be there. He was judging all the food. He kept saying that white people put raisins in their potato salad. And it's a serious issue for him, because my buddy hates raisins so much, he doesn't even like raisin his own kids. I think raisins and potato salad remind him too much of his own dad. They're black, they're wrinkled, and he's used to them not being there.

Hell yeah. So I love downtown Austin you guys. It's amazing. I see the most wild shit. Like, the other week I saw a homeless boy band you guys. I'm serious. No, it was a group of homeless dudes all singing a song together like a boy band, like, really fucking well. So I walked up to them, and I was like, holy shit, it's the Fentanyl 5. Kick ass. Then one of them corrected me and I was like, Kick ass. Then one of them corrected me. He was like, "actually, we're the crack street boys.". I was like, "fair enough.". And he started heating up a spoon to exactly 98 degrees. I was like, "what the fuck?". Then I got flashed by the same homeless lady three times in the same night. At first, it was funny, but by the third time, I was pissed off, because we locked eyes, and she just starts laughing at me, and she kind of sounded like Beavis. She was like, "yeah, yeah, got him again [Beavis voice].". Something about her laugh just triggered me, so I saw a cop, and I waved him over, and I was like, excuse me, officer, you see that lady right there? She won't stop flashing me, and I swear to God, you guys, he just looks at me and goes, "yeah, that's Denise", and then he walked away.