Kill Tony #787

What's up? My name is Bob Biggerstaff. That's my real name. Bob Biggerstaff. It's Robert Biggerstaff. Obviously if any of you guys speak Spanish, it's pronounced Roberto Grande Cock. My wife just got new tits because she had breast cancer. Should have waited a couple seconds before you cheered on that one. She's fine though. I You guys heard of the horrible disease. A LS Lou Gehrig's Disease. Terrible disease. Beginning of the year. Actor Eric Dane. He had a special on Netflix where they had an interview with him 'cause he had died from a LS. He had been diagnosed with it one year earlier and one year later he was dead from a LS.…

I hate when people tell you their beliefs on a bumper sticker. Like one time I saw this bumper sticker that had a red circle and a slash going through a swastika. It's like, that's cool and it's crossed out, but there's still a swastika on your car. Like very visibly too. Like you can see right through the slash, there's a big swastika on your bumper. You don't need to say that. Like I get what you're going for, but like it's implied. You know, like I just assume that most of you don't love Hitler. You don't have to advertise it on your car. But like it At least makes sense to cross out a swastika like that. But it wouldn't work…

You guys hear I Scott someone yesterday. Holy shit. My mom texted me, she's white and she goes, Hey, your aunt and uncle are worried about you, bitch, you are not. And like, honestly, what does she have like a life insurance policy out on me? She hasn't told him about me. She's like, I hope they mistake him for illegal. And like the worst part is like, I think my mom cares about me, but she doesn't because the other day she goes, she called me over and I was helping her In the bathroom. She put a, a blood pressure cuff on my arm and she put it and it was perfect reading. And she's like, fuck. I went home. She sent me a care packa…

I've been on planes constantly and TSA is so aggressive with the wheelchairs. I say, I don't want a wheelchair. And they argue with me. What do you mean you don't want a wheelchair? Yes you do. No, I fucking don't. And then they pull out their gun and they're like, get In the fucking wheelchair. Have you ever tried to use a wheelchair with one hand? I got dumped in an airport and I was crying my eyes out on the plane and the flight attendant walks up and asks me if I'm okay, and I tell her no, it's just heartbreak. And she says, oh no. Can I do anything? Do do you need a wheelchair? I started crying harder and I told her wheelcha…

Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Hello, Austin. I am Glen From New York. I am 65 years old, and I have been married for 32 years. Don't applaud. You never met the bitch three decades plus with the same woman. I don't know how I freaking did it. Okay. I don't, women are batshit crazy. I think everything I'm about to tell you, everything I am about to tell you is 100% true. Okay. My wife, when I first met her, she was this beautiful girlfriend, looked just like Winona Rider. A friend of mine told me, you want to know what your girlfriend's gonna look like in 25 years? Look at a picture of her mother. I was, it looked like she put her f…

Up guys? So I am 34, and some of the first music I remember really jamming to was like, usher, Mario, Chris Brown. I know y'all remember Chris Brown. He said, I don't need, actually, no, Mr. Brown said, and I quote, I don't need another woman. I just need your all or nothing. I don't know about you, but if a man looking like Chris Brown saying those words to me, I definitely would not think he was implying my bottom lip and left cheekbone. Don't get me wrong, I don't think there's anything funny about being a domestic abuse victim, but I do feel like I'm allowed to talk about it. I'm allowed to joke about it. It's kinda like that…

Weight Watchers just filed for bankruptcy about time. My sister stole a fat whore. All right, I'm gonna start my minute now. I'm a millennial and us millennials, we're all about nostalgia. You know, we miss the throwback stuff. The thing I miss the most, I missed the old TV shows like the other day. I had a dream. Shout out. MLK gone too soon. I had a dream that I was on that show Pimp My Ride. You know, on MTV, the show where they put 50 grand to the car that's worth 50 bucks. And I knew it was a dream. 'cause I don't even have a car exhibit pulled up to my house. He was like, neeno, come check out your new ride. He's on Neeno.…

What's up y'all? Dark storm just turned 36 2 days ago. So, dark storm. Dark storm. That I know I've changed as a person. I'm not scared of cops anymore because I call 'em. I do. I'm not scared of 'em. But I am still as terrified of state troopers. I don't want to get pulled over by a nigga with a mo of Kombat hat on. Like them, them niggas is way too serious. What if he take the hat and then cut the car in half? Like, but also like, 'cause like we in Texas, right? And the cops in Texas, some of these niggas is generational cops. Like my daddy was the sheriff and my daddy before that was a Texas ranger. It's kind of hard to lie to…

How are we doing? I'm from a small town in Michigan. I'm not used to this big city life at all. I got hit on by a gay guy for the first time. I was just standing at the bar and he just threw his arm around me and goes, Hey man, I bet that ass is smooth. I really didn't like how he knew. Never in my life did I wish I had a hairy ass until that exact moment. And he could tell I was uncomfortable. So he offered to buy me drinks, but that wasn't the issue. See, he didn't ask me my pronouns, which are alcoholic. The only thing that got drained that night was his wallet. Israel. Israel would be way cooler if it's not real. I'm Aaron Ba…

I have kids. I like 'em. Sometimes they ask me if I have favorites. I just give 'em the rankings. 1, 2, 3. I feel like the feedback's important, but I, I know I have favorites 'cause I took 'em, two being we're going down the river. I had all three kids stuffed in one tube and then the water started getting real rough. We hit something, they went flying three different directions and I had to make choices. So my kids saw the rankings in real time. 'cause I went 1, 2, 3. I swam past a kid to get the one I really wanted. Literally like swimming, locking eyes with my son. Like, you gotta do better, bro. It's good to be here. I, I fe…

I live in Austin, yeah. That's awesome man. Keep signing up for the show. You're fucking awesome. Thank you. So Jeremy, we'd love to see another set from you. Here's a big joke book. Jeremy Jonas. Everybody. Jeremiah's going Peepee. There goes Jeremy Jonas, everybody. All right ladies and gentlemen, we're keeping it moving along here. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of McKayla J. Everybody, McKayla. J I've been getting my mushrooms from a guy I met at the gas station. That way I know it's gonna be a quick trip. Good, good, good. I didn't know what jokes I wanna do tonight. I was gonna do my suicide jokes, but people don't…

All right. Yeah. I just got married. My wife turned 35 last week. Yep. Looks like we're gonna have to put her down, you know? Just 'cause if you do the math in woman years, that's like 35. It's crazy, dude. I don't know. I don't think women are dogs, but I do think women have dog-like tendencies. You know? Like she'll have her food and I'll have my food and then she'll start gunning for my food. What happens when you make 'em upset? Huh? You gotta take 'em on a walk. You know, I'm black. I can't talk to my lady like a black guy. I gotta talk to her like she's a dog, you know? Soon as she wakes up In the morning, Hey girl. Hey, ho…

How you doing? My guy figured I would do a couple David Lucas roast jokes if that's okay with everybody. David Lucas is so fat and black. The only thing he tips is a scale. David Lucas has dreads. You know what else has dread his zippers and buttons. How the fuck are they supposed to stay on that fat piece of shit? David Lucas is the only person who thinks he's gonna get groceries after he eats the booty. That's a thinker and a stinker. David Lucas is so fat. When liberals see him, they tell him Black lives matter twice. David Lucas is actually Catholic. He celebrates Ash Wednesday. Ash Thursday Ash Friday this Ash Friday next As…

This is my impression of an ex-cop dyslexic sandwich maker. I make a BA mean BLM. My favorite thing that came out of the internet was that SpongeBob gangster meme where he has like a mafia suit and a grill and some rings. I feel like a really good character that would be a good gangster would be Tigger. 'cause he like comes out of the a hundred acre hood, he's like friends with like a single mom with a kid and then he's just like, I'm the realest and I double go. Or when I moved here from South America, I took one year of American high school and during that year the video game, ghost Recon Wildlife came out. So it's about cocain…

Folks, I think the Netflix logo would work a lot better for BET. Okay. Fucking dead crowd. That's a great joke. God dammit. Hey, no, racism is wrong and so's gassing up fat chicks. So let's find some middle ground blacks enough's enough already. Come on, we'll stop when you do. Seriously. I'm gonna fuck Lizzo. If my cock wore a gun in her pussy. We're Hitler. Woo. And you know Hitler, he had a micro penis, they say, and I would too if you killed a bunch of Irish people and I controlled the media. Okay, that is enough for me. Thank you.