Ahren Belisle

I don't have a single black friend. People assume I'm mentally retarded and they start playing Sure aids with me. It happens six times at the airport on the way here. Like I ordered Starbucks and my order was ready and she starts doing this. By the sixth time I just started doing it back to them. Hey Sharon, I'm going two. Kill your whole fucking family, you stupid piece of fucking shit.

To get the American experience. I went out shooting the other day. I shot a 3 0 8 in the clay and a handgun. What kind of idiot would give me a rifle that's just irresponsible? They were super cool about it. The guy hands me a handgun, but they didn't notice that when they handed me the gun. They all took like three steps back. They're like, this is America. So we are gonna let him shoot. But also this very special boy is definitely gonna shoot one of us. Luckily I had my handicap pass, so I just shot everything. So there's a serial killer in Austin, Texas that has been killing a bunch of people at Lady Bird Lake. I have a big secret. It was me. And I tried to turn myself in and tell them it was me. And they were like, no you're not. Stop playing a bunch of ableist assholes. People always underestimate me. I could totally drown a dude in a lake. I almost drown every time I go into a lake.

Who wants to see me do some crowd work? Well, I can't talk, so you're not fucking gonna fine. I'll give it a try. Hello? Random person who I'm never gonna see again. What's your name? That's a stupid name. I'm gonna talk to someone else. What about you? What's your name? Abby. Hello. Insert name here. What do you do for work? Just so everyone can't hear insert name here. Said they work as an insert job here. Do you like insert job here. Hello? Insert name here. What do you do for work? Depending on what you said, I'm either happy for you or sad for you. Just kidding. I don't really give a fuck. My crowd work is great. It's just people awkwardly staring at me waiting to hear what next fucked up thing will come out of my mouth phone. My mom fucking loves Tylenol

Everyone is accusing me of faking my disability, so I get this headset to prove I can't talk. This is what happens when your dad does ketamine, and your mom is a dinosaur. Everybody thinks I'm infertile, so I never have to pull out. Most people don't even believe that I fuck, I was out with a girl I'm dating and some old lady said, "you must be his sister.". Oh god, you're telling this now, I've been hitting it raw for weeks. Norm, I was stuck, almost lost survival of the fittest to a bath tub though. I was stuck in my hotel tub and had to call the front desk guy to rescue me. And I was panic flaccid. Normal flaccid is a couple inches, panic flaccid is like a clitoris resting on your balls. And I couldn't let this hotel clerk think he's better than me, so I started cranking on out really quick. American Eagle still refuse to hire me to do an add, because I have shitty genes. I could never be a Nazi [mimes Hitler salute and fails badly].

I've been in hospitals all week with no insurance because I'm going blind in my left eye and they're like, it's not pink eye, it's not glaucoma. Did you get acid in your eye? Do I look like someone who is allowed to work with fucking acid? No. You idiot. I ate a Tide Pod Bray. God just doesn't like me. He saw me minding my own business and thought, fuck, I missed a spot on the left side. I've been trying to figure out American healthcare and I don't get it. You can get pet insurance for like $80 a month and it covers 90%. You save like $6,000 a year to be a fucking chihuahua. You know what? Maybe those teenagers with litter boxes in school are fucking genius. People already talk to me loud and cute. They pat my head. I'm gonna get pet insurance and identify as a fucking dog.