Kill Tony #791

Good to be here. My buddy's from Alabama. I've been calling me a lot recently with dumb questions. My buddy called me the other day. He's a machine shop operator in Russellville, Alabama, if you know what any of those words mean. And he called me, he goes, hey, Brent, what do you think's gayer? Getting a blowjob from a man who used to be a woman. Or getting a blow job from a woman who used to be a man. I like the silence because it means you're making a choice. And I like that. I'll tell you what I said. I said, I'm a... and Target and you're on speakerbone. That's what I said. I'm in the candle section. There's a lot of them in…

I'm a dad. I'm a great dad. I have three children, and each one of them has their own mother because they all need special attention. Don't judge me. Like my youngest son is nine years old, and he autistic, and he's not the nonverbal kind. But some days I wish she was the fucking nonverbal kind. Like, y'all don't understand. We from the hood. Every day this nigga talked to me like pepper pig, that shit got to stop. When we first found out he was autistic, his mom was at the hospital. She started crying and shit. And I'm like, why are you crying? She was like, because our son is autistic. He's going to be different. I said, the ni…

Hello. I just turned 25. The hair is fucked up, dude. I was not really. ready for this. I used to have like long curly hair and he used to flow and I used to be like hot and jacked. Just believe me, dude. But I swear I used to be like a huge player. I used to lie and cheat and sleep around. I think that's why God took the hair. He's like, you want to act like a dick? You're going to look like one. I was like. That's fair. I just moved to Texas from New York, which was kind of tough. I was living with my family in New York. And it was tough to move here because I don't really have good credit, which that shit pisses me off because…

What's up, guys? Yo, so I've been trying to buy eggs. I have a hard time buying eggs. There's 40 different types of eggs at the store. And they're like messing with you too. It's like different price points for each torture level that the chickens go through. It feels like they're blackmailing you. They're like, you pay a little bit more and we'll let them out of their cage. What's going on in the egg aisle? They're like, you pay us 10 bucks, we'll let them out in the field. But if you want cheap eggs, we're going to beat the fuck out of these chickens. We're going to. We're going to torture the shit out of them for $2. It's like…

I was born in Ukraine, but here I am. I don't know a lot about the war. I've been in America since I was five. I had an American upbringing, so I'm just as uneducated as you guys. All I know for sure is that Putin and Zelenskyy are both 5'7, and I'm positive that's what they're fighting about. They're just over there like, you're short, no, you're shorter. We only get one short king. My mom once got to host a family of Ukrainian refugees, and I was so excited to meet them, I thought, wow, I'm going to learn so much from these people. And here's what I learned. Did you know you can hate refugees? They're just people. The whole tim…

Hey, what's up, awesome. I call my mom today, which is a chore. Hey, mom, how you doing? What's going on? Nothing, same as always, Michael. I'm like, lady, this is for you. This call ain't for me. It's a chore. I don't, like, I don't talk to my mom ever. Like, growing up, I didn't even deliver her messages to her. Like, you know when you're a kid and you're at a friend's house and their parent looks at you and goes, say hi to your mom for me? I'd be like, nah, she's not getting it. I'm not a medieval messenger, also. I'm not walking in my... Hear ye, hear ye, mother. Fucking lady from down the block says hi. I remember the first…

What the fuck's up, y'all? Yeah, I'm fucking sick of AI, and I can sit, did we have Waymoos down here, and it's been pissing me off because, like, I thought I was away from them. But then sometimes if you order an Uber down here, Because the number you order an Uber, you put your phone down, you know, the car is coming. But they have this thing on Uber where, like, they'll just sneak in a Waymo. And you have, like, 10 seconds to say whether or not you want to see somebody. And they tricked me, right? I was coming down here to do a show. And I was coming setting up. And then the Waymo comes. I was like, okay, what the fuck is this…

A lot of bad news out there. I don't know if you guys have checked the news lately, but it's all pretty bad. I did see something kind of good, though. It was some good news. I guess the North Koreans just left the Russian military in Ukraine. So do we have any North Koreans in here tonight? I don't know if you guys remember when the North Koreans first joined the war in Ukraine. They were watching so much porn that it like fucked up the Internet in Ukraine. I don't know if you guys saw that. If you didn't see it, I kind of just sum it up for you. North Koreans are watching so much porn it fucked up the Internet. I did a little mo…

So none of my friends have kids. They have no idea what I'm going with. My best friend says to me, he goes, what would you do if your son turns out to be gay? I was like, you know what? Wouldn't bother me at all. I'd love him either way, because I don't think being gay is a choice. That's what I think. Gay's not being a choice. But you know what is a choice? Whether he's a top or a bottom, and he better pick the right choice there. I'm not raising the fucking bottom. Get out of here with that bottom shit. I like to fuck with people. I was trying to buy a belt the other day, and the guy says to me, he goes, hey, can I help you fi…

I've got three children. I've got a 26-year-old, a 23-year-old, a 23-year-old, and a 4-year-old. Having these three children has inspired me to create an app for men like me. I'm calling this app His Directory, His Directory, a platform for men to be able to meet women that have had a His Derectomy. Because I know I don't speak for myself when I say that my pull-out game is trash. My pull-out game is non-existent. You don't how if you break a mirror, you're going to have seven years of bad luck? Well, if you sleep with me, I'm sorry, baby, but you're fixing to have 18 years of bad luck. On the subject of unwanted children, did yo…

So, I used to work for this boat company called Chris is Marine, where I was a rigger. And it was a great job until I realized that rigor sounds like Scooby-Doo saying the M-word. Yeah, immediately I was like, Right, row. Because I knew that shit would go straight to my head. Two days later, I'm showing up to work in a Scooby-Doo costume with a do-rag and a glock, telling everybody I'm a real wrigger. Making sure to use an A at the end so they know I'm cultured. The rega community is really strict about that. But, like, how poetic is it that Scooby-Rour? do help me solve the mystery of how a white person can use the N-word to mak…

I don't know if you guys can tell, but I'm actually a white guy. It's me, you know. Yeah. I don't know if we got any Game of Thrones fans here, but does anyone else think Peter Dinklage changed his name to sound more like a little person? Feels like maybe he did. I want to talk about Papa John's a little bit. A few years ago, Papa John's fired Papa for saying the N-word. Good move, right? Then they hired Shaq to do all their commercials, right? I love that because that means someone at Papa Johns was like, guys, listen, we can't have a spokesperson getting us in trouble, okay? We need someone who's famous, who's family-friendly,…

Here's an idea. Just don't eat in the first place. Saved a bunch of time and money. Went on a Tinder date with a gal. told me she was bulimic. I was like, not tonight, you aren't, sweetie. No, they got dating apps now specifically for plus-sized individuals. So start using them, fatties. Get the fuck out of my feed! No, no. Shouldn't call women fat. You want to imply it, subtly. That's how you get the results you're looking for. Stay out of trouble, you know? Last girl I talked to on Tinder told me, Once you go black, you never go back. And I said, good. We don't want you no more. Okay, that's all. Thank you very much. Just Chris…