Jake Coulter

So did anybody else used to think that bestiality was illegal? Because that's how you create supreme beings. Like... Like getting a dog pregnant creates werewolves. Getting a horse pregnant creates centaurs. Flushing your cum down the toilet sends it to the ocean. Sends it to the ocean, getting fish pregnant, creating mermaids. Let's see, I'm go-able and white trash, so the second I realized I was attracted to every mermaid I'd seen on TV, I was like, yup, those gotta be my daughters. And like, I've seen the little mermaid. So obviously my next move was to go get some scuba shit so I could find some octobitch, somehow convince her to use her magic to take my new kid's voices away before my new kids tell someone else that I'm their dad and I get charged with bestiality.

So did anyone else see that horror movie Teeth? About the girl with teeth in her coochie? Yeah, that shit fucked me up so bad that now every time I sleep with the girl, I feel like I have to eat her out because that's my way of, like, checking for monsters under the bed. But that isn't as traumatizing as growing up and my dad always telling me that black cats are bad luck, but only if they don't have a pink butthole. Yeah, so now every time I sleep with a black girl, I feel like I have to eat her ass first. So that way I can see what color her butthole is, and know if looking at her black cat is gonna give me bad luck.