Kill Tony #785

I just ran in from 6th Street, getting the shit scared out of me. I got came up to me and he was like, hey, you want to buy any fentanyl? I didn't know you could get that shit on purpose. I thought it had to be a surprise. You know, like an engagement, or a finger in the butt. Some things are surprises. I just thought you had to get Fettonol on the side with an order of cocaine. I didn't know you could get that shit a la carte. I scared the hell of it. I called my dad today to catch up. I asked him how he was doing. He never tells me how he feels. He said, Brian, I'll tell you what, if I was any better, I'd be twins. Can someone…

My mom is Thai. My dad's Irish. I'm Ty Irish. It's the whole thing. But I went through a divorce a really long time ago. And my mom called me with her very heavy accent. And she goes, Donna. Donna, now you get divorced. Nobody want you no more. Donna, you have too much emotion. luggage. I said, Mom, it's baggage. Emotional baggage. And she said, see, you know you have it. I'm like, look. That's not nice. I don't think I care for that. And she said, Donna, you have to get on something on the computer to meet new man. I have a friend. She has a girl your age, and she get divorced too because she's stupid like you. And she have to g…

So who's here been to Montgomery County Jail lately? This one has. It's pretty fun there. You know what they actually give the inmates there? iPads. You know what they go back to them? They start talking about their lives and everything like that. So if you have buddies, family, or anybody in jail, they've already talked about everything you've already done. They've told everything you've already done. And they just go in for commissary. They just love to get the commissary like that. They start talking about that stuff. You got your whole family tree. When he gets out, he's going to go find you. They already know what you. They'…

You know, in high school, everyone called me a scrub. And look at me now. I'm single, but I think are you single? It's kind of a weird question if you think about it. Like, are you asking if there's more than one of me? What do you mean in my single? Do you need glasses? Did you get your head? Or it could be booze, you know? I'm sure to some of y'all, I don't look single. I feel like the only people that would really not be single would be, like, enjoying twins. They're definitely double. But I am single. People ask me how my last relationship ended. She had a sleeping problem. She slept with everyone. So it was a bit of a proble…

I can't believe how many foster children are out. there. And to be honest, I think Mr and Mrs. Foster need to quit fucking. Talking of unwanted children, you can get rid of babies without using exercise resistance bands. You can believe it or not, leave them no questions asked on the doorstep of any firehouse sub sandwich shop. You know, people think I don't like children making jokes like that, but I'm thankful children are around. Well, well, I would mine the cobalt for our batteries. Thank you. I'm getting old now, I'm 61, and I think back to certain years when events change how you think about life, and I remember play with m…

Yeah, I dedicate this set to Lindsay Clancy. We got any Lindsay Clancy supporters? Good. Fuck that bitch. Right? No, that's wild, man. You know, I haven't seen this many white women rally behind a murderer since Hillary Clinton. Yeah, it's fit. It is wild, man. Immediately when I heard that, I knew she was white, right? The crime. This is some crimes where you hear you know the race, right? Like if somebody, you know, robbed a liquor store, black guy. Somebody breaks until your house starts doing math, Asian. They murders their three kids. That's white woman all day. That's white, man. This is what liberals get for legalizing lat…

I will twist my cock and throw it across the block. Hey, Trevor, how you been? White people say the funniest shit when they haven't seen each other in a while. Anyone else grow up with a funny name? Well, I did. So my first name is spelled A-N-A-S. So growing up in school when teacher did roll call, she'd say, Anus is Anus. here. And just to fuck with her, I'd say, they call me anus because I wrecked them. So, thank you. So I just arrived in Texas. I went to this, my new favorite store, H.E.B. And, yeah, fuck yeah, guys. And I could not find a parking spot. This place was packed. So I'm sitting there circle in the block trying to…

Tell you a bit about myself, folks. Actually, my wife told me this the other day. She said, you know, you're the kind of dick. that inspires people to put the word weed afterwards. You're a dick weed. The thing that I just told you about myself is that I'm married to that cunt. It's all right. I only do that joke because she's in the room and it's her favorite. Because she wrote it. Actually, she wrote the setup. I wrote the punchline. It's a team effort. Marriage is a team sport. One of my uncles on my wedding day, he told me, said, Tim, you know, the best thing about marriage is you get to share all the good things in your life…

Dark Storm. Dark Storm got a problem. My nephew just got suspended from school for selling vape pens. Because, you know, the youths like to, like, they like to breathe in vanilla coke and orange soda and shit like that. They can't, they want their AI cigarettes. I like acoustic cigarettes more than the electric cigarettes. But he got called selling them, and then his dad came and picked him up, and he was like, where are you getting the vapines from? And he said, don't lie to me, like, lie to your mama because, like, they separated so, like, she don't count. He said, you tell me the truth. Didn't this nigga go say, oh, I've been…

A little bit about me. I am officially down 100 pounds, so that's pretty cool. Thank you. Thank you. It actually wasn't that difficult. I just had to change little things, but every day, right? So like today, I did go to McDonald's, but instead of getting a double quarter pounder with cheese like a normally would, I ate a kids meal. His parents were fucking pissed. I don't know why they were so mad I gave him the toy, right? He's a girl's toy anyway. Let's get right into it, Lindsay Clancy. I just found out about that on Friday. I got into an argument at work, and white women on TikTok are losing their fucking minds over this shi…

My day starts when I walk into the barbers shop, and I notice all the barbers are wearing gloves these days. Well, I think there should be gloves specifically for the blacks, and it's going to be sponsored by Magnum. I also notice that barbershops and whorehouses are very, very similar. Like, you go in, you try to find a person with the most experience. because you need to get in and out as fast as possible because you've got a wife and two kids waiting for you at home. I think I know exactly what all the black guys were thinking when they went home with Dahmer that night. I guarantee you they thought they were about to put 100 y…

Look, I don't know if you guys all know these episodes are on a delay. Okay, like this episode's gonna be coming out in a week, so I'm doing topical jokes based on what I assume will happen. God damn. This is crazy. Do you guys see how, Obama's dick pick got leaked. Michelle Obama's. She has a horse talk. That bitch is a horse. September 11th, what, uh, yesterday it was Roe Shoshana, uh, Jewish New Year, where my Jews at? Get the fuck out! Less of a prediction, more of a feeling. Look, uh, it's been a rough week for Kill Tone. for Kill Tone. You guys have probably seen the news. Dedrick is back in jail. I know. I know. He gave me…

So my mother's a whore. So that means I got a stepbrother. And the day we met, he wanted to play me in the game with one-on-one basketball, and I oblige. I knew I needed to assert my dominance, so immediately threw the ball off his face and scored. Of course, I won. And I guess you could say whenever you compare me in that fella, I'm even winning in life, because about 10 years ago, he became paralyzed. So now whenever I see him, I get to throw a different set of balls on his face. It's a shame he'd have made one hell of a boxer because y'all had to see that some bitch for open-doping nutsack. My therapist told me it's because I…

How we doing, Tilly? How are we doing, people? All right, all right. I've been dealing with trying to date lately. You know what I'm saying? But I'm trying to get my money up. These girls don't want you to have a little bit of money. They want you to make a solid amount of money. I had a girl called me a broke nigga. We had the same job. I'm like, bitch, you can't take me out either. What the fuck? Man, these women are different nowadays. You know what I'm saying? These new women are different. They're throwing me off, man. I'm confused, man. You know what I'm saying? It used to be either one of the date of, you know, man or a wo…

Last week, my doctor told me how sometimes erectile dysfunction can be the result of depression. I was like, no, dude. I'm sad because my dick doesn't work. Stop talking about feelings like a chick and fix my fucking penis, please. Pete's sake. Suicide. It's a big issue in today's homeless communities. Not big enough, but we will get there one day. Homeless people, they're always screaming. By the time I'm done with them. Anytime I see one of them with a dog, I think, hey, well, can't be that hungry. So, glass half full.