Mike Ryan

A little bit about me. I am officially down 100 pounds, so that's pretty cool. Thank you. Thank you. It actually wasn't that difficult. I just had to change little things, but every day, right? So like today, I did go to McDonald's, but instead of getting a double quarter pounder with cheese like a normally would, I ate a kids meal. His parents were fucking pissed. I don't know why they were so mad I gave him the toy, right? He's a girl's toy anyway. Let's get right into it, Lindsay Clancy. I just found out about that on Friday. I got into an argument at work, and white women on TikTok are losing their fucking minds over this shit. Like, I've heard of late-stage abortions, but the 17th trimester is a little much, isn't it? And she was like, you don't understand, you don't understand, you don't understand what's like to be a woman with postpartum depression. I said, you're right, I don't. And I really felt for it. I was like, why don't you explain it to me? Why don't you explain it to me like I'm five years old? And she fucking strangled me.

One thing that I've discovered about doing comedy is that I don't fit in, I don't fit into the comedy scene of Houston where I'm from. I don't fit in with all these other comedians mainly because like they all grew up class clowns or they're molested. The lucky ones are both. And I feel like at 37 years old, I'm too old for either of those things to happen. For me at least without being my fault. Like if I get molested at 37 years old, that's on me. That's my bad. What was I wearing? It's been kind of a tough year. We took away PornHub in Texas, got so bad this morning at Jack off using my imagination. Turns out I'm pretty fucking gay. Dude, I had no idea. How am I supposed to tell my mom that I'm a Democrat now? I'm not gonna be one without the other. Thank you.