Sir Winston Pickles

Well, I met into Boston next Monday, and I asked the wife to suggest something fun to do. She suggested we'd do the marathon. I'm not an expert, but I think it takes you longer than seven days to prepare a pressure cooker bomb. I was at the supermarket over the weekend, and it dawned on me. You know what you don't see at the supermarket these days? Nancy Guthrie, I'll tell you what you do see. Fucking toddlers. So, it was this annoying toddler. His parents were oblivious to what he was doing, wandering around. He starts running towards me and my shopping cart. Now, I could have been the good guy and moved out the way, but no, I thought I'm going to teach this little bastard. There are consequences for running around at the store. Boy did he collide with my shopping cart. His glasses came off, my Coca-Cola's, pop the caps. It's okay, though, he'll be good. He was wearing one of those white plastic helmets.

This, by the way, is Little Kwame. I've been sponsoring this little guy in Africa for the last three years. At 99 cents a week, and unbeknown to me last March, my credit card expired, so he's dead. No worries, his family's still getting a little bit of money. They sold his shrunken head to a tourist. I love America, right? It's the only place you can go to work, especially olive garden, and start your shift as a chef and end up as a head chef. Thank you.

What's up guys? I was raised really poor, just right off the bat. My parents would always try to hide it from us though. They would. They would always say shit like it's national leftover hamburger Helper Day. It's like it's been national leftover hamburger Helper Day for five nights in a row. Man, whatcha you trying to pull on us? I, I figured it out though. I did figure out we were poor when it came time to put down our family dog. It cost $45 and my dad was just like, nah, I'll shoot it. Right. Like, but I was seven years old man. I took that at face value. I was like, oh I cannot get sick. We, we are not a minute clinic family at all. I'm just like, dad, I have a headache. Goodbye bitch. That's cool though. That's cool. I Austin's fun. I was walking down six and this girl goes, I'm having hot girl tummy issues and then she lifted up her shirt and she just had a colostomy bag. That's not hot girl tummy issues. That's just a bag of shit. Strap to you. Thank you. Hell

What's with the traffic on I 35 tonight? There were more assholes on I 35 than in Ed Gaines lampshade collection talking of Ed Gaines. My neighbor was arrested yesterday for cutting his wife and kids up with a chainsaw. I know I was appalled. I only went to see him last week and asked to borrow a chainsaw. He said he didn't own one. No one likes a liar. Derek. What's for the 15 mile per hour school zones in this country? I always floor it to 75 miles per hour. There's no way I'm taking a bullet in those fucking war zones. I get a lot of hassle for my jokes. I did a dyslexia joke last week and you should see the blow back my neighbors again. Thank you. My name's Sir Winston Pickles. You've been wonderful

Anybody yells for relieved when a severe weather warning turns out to be just an amber alert? I've actually lost my cell phone. I accidentally put it in Malaysian airplane mode. So, so that's gone. I've been married twice. Buried my first wife, shallow grave in the woods. Eh? No, that's just a joke everyone. She's under the patio. My second marriage that ended when I found out my wife was a swinger. Well, I know. I had no clue. No idea. I left work early one Friday, sneaked home, crept in the house, snuck up the stairs, opened the bedroom door. There she was. She'd hanged herself. She was swinging.