Kill Tony #761

I heard that ICE is killing white people now, man. What's up with that? You're telling me I can't even hide inside a Lulu Levin anymore. My girlfriend, when I met her, she was way out of my league, so I found out everything I could about her, man. I found out that she was really into animal rescue. So 2019, fuck it, bro. I rescued 34 cats, bro. Fuck it. Sometimes you have to save the kitty to eat the kitty. That's what I was doing. You can say I was in heat, too, man. Anyways. I have an Australian cattle dog, a blue healer at home. I like to use that dog for small talk with older white guys. I like a tractor supply. I tell him I…

So I was making out with my girlfriend last week. Yeah. Things were heating up. She started taking her clothes off. Yeah. She was like, Max, you look like a kid in a candy store. I said, babe, it's not you. I look like a kid in any store. Yeah. Just kidding. I don't have a girlfriend. Yeah. I can't keep a girlfriend, all right? because they don't feel safe with me. Because I'm gluten-free. I mean, I can't even fight off a little Debbie. It sucks, right? Like, someone brings donuts to work. I can't have any. Apple fritter? Straight to the shitter. Being gluten-free is so depressing. The only time I even think about using a toaster…

Hey, Sugar Land. I just want to start this by saying, I'm five years sober and clean. From white pussy. Yeah, wasn't a hard choice. White pussy tastes like Nichols. Yeah, it does. That's true. Yeah. It's February, baby! Yeah, not a lot of black people in here. That's crazy. Yeah, it's February, and as a black man, I'm just going to tell you, as a black man, I'm doing my part. Yeah. I'm out there doing it, yeah. I've been eating black pussy. Yeah. And I was actually recently eating some black pussy just a couple days ago and I was down there in them thick thighs. You know how it is and I was down there doing my thing You know hey…

You know, so God gave us two ears and one mouth, because they're supposed to listen twice as much as we talk. But he also gave us 10 fingers, so we're supposed to be finger blasting, like, all the time. I always tell girls, you should never fake an orgasm with me, you know, because I don't care. I found out women are supposed to pee after sex to prevent a UTI every time, but I was telling them, Just to be safe, you should pee during sex. So I'm into that, hell yeah. My parents are here, by the way. Can I do one more joke? Okay. My girlfriend says I don't make enough eye contact during sex. And it's not even true. I make a lot of…

Hey, shit. We're doing it. Mr. Hensflip, I got to tell you, I'm a big-ass fan. You too, Adam Ray. Me and my wife, we're such big fans to kill Tony. that we role play Kill Tony in the bedroom, right? So sometimes, like, I'll be hitting it from the back, and I'm like, oh, yeah, we're really doing it, baby. We're really doing it. And then sometimes I like to pretend I'm one of the black guys that get on Kill Tony. I'm like, oh, yeah, we're really doing it, baby. But my favorite people who come on Kill Tony are the Asians, right? So sometimes I'll be back there going, oh yeah, we're really going, baby, right? Oh, man. But it goes bot…

Hell yeah. I'm gay and autistic, so technically I'm a double minority, but because I'm white, it just levels out. You know what I mean? I'm bisexual, that kind of sucks. You know what I mean? Because I feel like bisexual is gayer than being gay, you know? Because when you're bi, that means that you like dick and pussy, right? So if you choose some dick over pussy, that's gay. That's really gay. That's really gay. But I'm autistic and bitches love the tism dick. I'd be stimming in they shit, you know? I'm like, damn, bitch, this is he giving me a sensory overload right now. I'm in hole. I'm like, so when you store your large files…

God damn, just in time for rodeo season. Favorite time of the year. Best thing I love about that goddamn rodeos and big, fat, black women in them goddamn jeans. And jean shorts, just throwing ass to our Lord and Savior, George Strait. You ain't lived until you've seen somebody pop their pussy to Amarillo by morning. I tell you what. And you got them cataford tortoise. Them big ass category for torches walk around them airbrush shirts. Says RIP Miguel, barbecue stains on it. Looking like a feral dog looking for a goddamn slice of brisket. I had pissed drunk out there last night and shacked up with this creature, you know. I said,…

Big Brother recently told me he got a vasectomy. And then he asked me if I was going to get a vasectomy. I was like, I think I got to be getting some pussy first. Being from eastern Kentucky, sometimes people ask me if I banged my cousin. I'm like, no. She was homecoming queen. She was way out of my league. Plus, I had a big brother and like six cousins, my family had some real stiff competition. Growing up in Kentucky, sometimes people think I was brought up Baptists, but I was actually raised Methodist. Then in my 20s, I became a Crystal Methodist

My name is Nunzio Gianni. I'm actually coming from Miami for my birthday. So I don't know if we got any folks from Miami or Miami. I know the strippers are amazing. I love them too. I'm fairly young. I moved to Miami when I was 16. Dating was actually really hard. 16 and 18, early 20s, because Miami's not a place for somebody young like me. But I guess I got a taste. at a taste and some shippers and hoes, so I think I could do all right. I'm Puerto Rican and Italian. My ethnicity is kind of hard to pick. When I come to Texas, I'm either Mexican or colored. So guys, I'm really nervous, guys. This is my first time. Fuck. I'm going…

We just finished the Black History Month. Fuck Black History Month. Here this month too. Why did they make our calendar racial? Seems like everywhere I go, they want to ask for my race. You apply for a school, what's your race? You apply for jobs, what's your race? See, where I grew up, they don't ask that question. Because we're better at keeping our bloodline pure. So many different races to pick from under that question, to Hispanic, non-Hispanic, black, white, Pacific Islander. In Asian countries, we'll just put people into two categories. Asian or intruders?

What's up, n*ggas? You guys are easy. Y'all ever try to be friends with a gay person? I have, because I'm progressive, but you got to watch out for them. Because them n*ggas, they will try to fuck you. Like, I went out with buddy, and we went shot for shot. We was having a great fucking time. But he waited until I got good and drunk. I got good and drunk. And he started trying to challenge me to, like, weird games. He was like, yo, I bet you, I could beat you in a dick-sucking competition. And that shit really blew me because I'm like, there's no way I'm going to lose to a f***. Like, wait, listen, I'm not gay. I'm just competiti…

Hell yeah. Sorry for spilling that drink on you, by the way. That was rude of me. Appreciate you guys. Yeah, I'm not retarded, but I spent $15 for rocks. Anybody have that problem? I don't know. I'm starting to think that Cam Patterson sold out, you know. He jumped off the Kill Tony Show, went straight to SNL, and all of a sudden he's selling rocks for $15. It's like they were promised to him 3,000 years ago. I remember, am I right? All right, all right, well, enough about the Jews. Let's talk about Corpus. Christy, Texas is where I'm from. Donald Trump was just there yesterday. Everybody gave a hand for Donald Trump. The greates…

There we go. Everyone, how's it going tonight? Well, I'm probably going to suck harder than that other guy, but I'm going to do my best. So I had my first sexual interaction with a female-to-male transgender person. What sucked is that her clit was bigger than my dick. Also, I went and met some dude named, I don't know, like Dr. Phil or something a while back. I gave him a hand job at Buckees. Also, I work at a comedy club. and I give many hand jobs there. The best part about it is that I get to eat all the cum.

I noticed patterns for a living, and I noticed something, the Amish, they used to be elusive, but now they're everywhere. TLC, HBO, I don't even have cable, but I see them every day. I'm starting to think that maybe there's a scam going on here. I'm not sure. I'm at that age now where everything I think is a scam, but... You know, they pretend they can't have cell phones, but then that's scamming 101. Oh, my camera doesn't work. But anyway, so I feel like they had a meeting sometime. They had, they said, there was no electricity candle. Let's build Barnes turn butter. and confused the hell out of the society. That's what it's lik…

This isn't the Super Bowl halftime show. If I wanted to hear a bunch of Spanish, I go to a kitchen, a chili. Stop trying to make me learn things. This is America. What's the point of having all these bombs if I have to learn? I do think it's fucked up that a lot of Mexicans are getting deported. I think if you're trying to reduce crime, deporting Mexicans is the least efficient way to do that. I've never been walking down a dark alley and heard the voice behind me be like, give me your money. It's usually some form of ebonics. The language of robberies. Yeah, I recently saw a black guy gardening. I was like, dude, you don't have…

Yeah, I'm Devin Callahan. Callahan like Dirty Harry. Yeah, I see your face confused. He's like, I remember Dirty Harry. He wasn't this dirty. What the fuck's wrong with you? So, yeah, so I figured out, not to bring it down, and I talk about death, I figured out the afterlife. I got it. There's two types of ghosts. One ghost, full-body guy standing under a light. Hey, it's my grandfather probably smoking a cigarette, head to toe. It's a ghost. second goes, you just get like a little haunting thing and it's just like no legs and nothing, just feet up, like feet gone, knees up, and they're just running around like, ooh. Their second…

Houston is like a big ass Atlanta favorite Houston rapper Pimsy that meant everything to me he said n*gger I ain't so much shrimp I got iodine poison now Pimsy is known to live his raps and I'm gonna tell y'all that ain't shit that n*gger research that happened to him that n*gger woke up in a hospital and then a doctor was like your blood levels with iodine you're about to die Pempsie He said, is somebody trying to poison me? He said, no, I don't think that. Let me think. Mr. Pimsy, do you ever eat a baller amount of shrimp? He's like, hell yeah. He said, how much shrimp do you eat? He was like, I don't know about this much. This…