Hans Kim

This isn't the Super Bowl halftime show. If I wanted to hear a bunch of Spanish, I go to a kitchen, a chili. Stop trying to make me learn things. This is America. What's the point of having all these bombs if I have to learn? I do think it's fucked up that a lot of Mexicans are getting deported. I think if you're trying to reduce crime, deporting Mexicans is the least efficient way to do that. I've never been walking down a dark alley and heard the voice behind me be like, give me your money. It's usually some form of ebonics. The language of robberies. Yeah, I recently saw a black guy gardening. I was like, dude, you don't have to do that anymore. You can do larceny and retail theft as well now. I am working out right now. You know, I don't have to be stronger than a black guy. I just have to last long enough till the cops get there. All right, well, that's my time.

Hope you guys are staying warm, you know, driving safe. There's a lot of ice on the road and not just the good kind. Not just the brave men and women who are trying to make sure these sexy Latinas don't suck her cocks. But the bad kind that enters your home without a warrant. My only problem with ICE is that they're going after every minority group except black people. I mean, you're trying to reduce crime. You can just give it them more room to breathe. But I understand, can you imagine the shape you have to be in to deport black people? Yeah, I'm actually training for the three-gun competition right now. That's where you shoot a pistol, a rifle, and a shotgun in under three minutes. Just in case I get carjacked at an Antifa rally and a flock of quail fly by.

Hey, good to be here. I am also a stunt driver. There was a stunt over there. I, you might have seen my work on I 35 trying to make a u-turn. Something I've noticed about comedy audiences is that a lot of people are more offended by rape jokes than mass shooting jokes. I think that's 'cause you don't get to come after a mass shooting unless you do it right? Yeah, I'm a pretty good guy. I don't have any problems with the Jews. Okay. I think, I think they're human beings equal to Mexicans and gays. My girlfriend is Jewish. I love having a Jewish girlfriend. I can just give her money for her birthday. They love old paper. These Jews like, like the Torah or a lease agreement. What one last joke. I think it's fucked up that somebody shot Charlie Kirk. Why couldn't he just shoot up a bunch of kids like a normal person? Alright, thank you.

Hey, what's up? It's good to be here. It's good to be here. I got kind of nervous when all those Democrats left the state earlier this month because usually when politicians leave Texas, it means there's a natural disaster coming. A lot of people have a Nancy Pelosi stock tracker. I have a Ted Cruz weather app. Whenever he's in Cancun, you know how to layer up. Yeah, I have a Jewish country. girlfriend I found out, so that helps with the weather thing. My girlfriend is Jewish, which means we're going to have Asian Jewish babies. There's just going to be lines of computer code that reset your credit score. But yeah, just a different time when I was a kid, trans fats were bad. Thank you guys.

Hey. Good to be in New York. I went to one of your protests that you guys do every weekend. Yeah I drove right through it. Yeah they were blocking the highway, fucking wearing orange vests and hard hats, mixing concrete. I was like, Fuck Palestine. I did something a feminist could never do today, I came. Every time a man cums, I feminist's armpit hair gets a little bit longer. I love how black people will charge their phones anywhere except their homes. My battery is getting low, time to go out.

Hey, I like how Texans will make fun of liberal cities, but when they jerk off, they set their VPN to California. That's gay as fuck, bro. I have a gun not on me. Somewhere in the room. Lemme go there. I don't even leave my door unlocked anymore. 'cause I want to use it like, oh, is that my best friend I invited an hour ago? Or the greatest moment of my life? I have an AR 15. I can shoot 600 yards. I can, I can't even imagine being mad at someone that far away. Hey, you better stop doing that in 500 yards. All right. That's my time. Thank you so much.