Collin Sledge

You know, so God gave us two ears and one mouth, because they're supposed to listen twice as much as we talk. But he also gave us 10 fingers, so we're supposed to be finger blasting, like, all the time. I always tell girls, you should never fake an orgasm with me, you know, because I don't care. I found out women are supposed to pee after sex to prevent a UTI every time, but I was telling them, Just to be safe, you should pee during sex. So I'm into that, hell yeah. My parents are here, by the way. Can I do one more joke? Okay. My girlfriend says I don't make enough eye contact during sex. And it's not even true. I make a lot of eye contact during sex. It's just with myself in the mirror. Not in a narcissistic way. I just like to pretend I'm getting cocked. by my evil twin

Okay, thank you. Once I was talking to a girl at a bar And I thought it was going okay, but she threw a drink in my face. I was like, Hey, watch it. There's $30 a roofies in there. So the problem with that joke is I don't know if that's the right amount of money to say. I'm afraid to look it up. I'm nice. I would never cat call a lady because that would give away my position. No, I would never stalk woman either because I feel like it'd be boring after like an hour. You know, like, oh, she's going to the grocery store. Oh, she's going to yoga. Oh, she's going to the police station. Oh, she's coming back out. She's pointing at me. Okay, thank you.

So I moved to Austin. I'm a little worried about fitting in, you know. I went to my first show, and this guy in the green was going on, like, you know, when I'm on stage, man, that's the real me. And then he went up and did seven minutes of rape. jokes. It was me. You know, now that I'm an Austin comic, I've been working on my Tony impression. Unbelievable. Incredible. Who's ready for the best fucking blow job of their lives? Pugh. Sorry. Thank you. Thank you. No, I owe Tony so much. I owe the show so much. Just, you know, best thing that ever happened to me. Thank you. Wait. Tony's like a father to me, you know, because just like my dad, he's always calling me a gay retard.

Okay, thank you. I need a paralegal. pair of legal tiddies to suck on. Should have saved that for the end. My check engine light's been on for a few months. And I feel like the check engine light has very feminine energy. It's like something's wrong. What's wrong? Well, if you cared, you would already know. My girlfriend thinks the godfather is too long, but her story about when her co-worker was bitchy to her two years ago is the perfect length.

Thank you. I'm here to bust it wide open. Okay. I got picked on in school when I was growing up. One time this kid put a sticker on my back that said Kick me. He thought that was funny. So I put a sticker on his back. It was just a target. He was like, I don't get it. I was like, you'll get it tomorrow. I was always nervous around girls growing up. I mean, I still am, but when I was growing up my, my dad used to tell me, it's important to remember that girls are more afraid of you than you are of them. And I said, why? He said, you're creepy. They don't like you. You're gonna be alone for a long time. My parents didn't really like believe in me sexually when I was growing up. You know, like one time my, my parents found this girl's panties in my bedroom and my dad confirmed. He is like, so you think you're a girl, huh? Thank you.