Uncle Lazer

Hey, you bitches, y'all ready to party? Hey, but listen, there's two things you don't do at a party, okay? You don't talk about God, you don't talk about politics. So let's talk about the Jews. Listen, now listen, I need you to know I'm from a small town, okay? Where I'm from, we burn trash for fun. We fuck our relatives because it's cost effective. I don't know shit about no Jew. I never seen no Jew. Where I'm from, there's no Jews. Jews. Where I'm originally from, we used to put them in summer camps. I went to New York and they got a different type of Jew— acidic, orange juice Jews. Hey, look, man, I'm a fucking retard, okay? But I saw there's a hot dog stand, I was gonna go get me a glizzy. Okay. And I walked up there and it says kosher dog. It didn't have no pictures. Well, look, my dumb ass thought— I thought kosher meant grilled onions. And so he handed me— I ordered it, he handed me the bun, just a wiener bun. I said, where's the onions? He goes, that's not what that means. And I said, what's it mean? He said, well, it means it's been blessed by a rabbi. I said, you know what's in hot dog? And he looked at me, said, it's people like you, rednecks like you, that are ruining this fucking country. I said, hold on just a goddamn minute. I said, I said, you mean to tell me you got to have a rabbi bless this hot dog, but y'all don't need permits from the city of New York to build them tunnels under that synagogue? Give me my motherfucking grilled onions, boy.

God damn, just in time for rodeo season. Favorite time of the year. Best thing I love about that goddamn rodeos and big, fat, black women in them goddamn jeans. And jean shorts, just throwing ass to our Lord and Savior, George Strait. You ain't lived until you've seen somebody pop their pussy to Amarillo by morning. I tell you what. And you got them cataford tortoise. Them big ass category for torches walk around them airbrush shirts. Says RIP Miguel, barbecue stains on it. Looking like a feral dog looking for a goddamn slice of brisket. I had pissed drunk out there last night and shacked up with this creature, you know. I said, where are you from, baby? She said, I'm from the Bayou, Louisiana Bayou. I said, fucking Buffalo Bayou. That's where you're from. You're from fucking... But there I am in the back of a Ford Focus, okay? Gutting that pig and fucking... lot C, all right? And she goes, baby, you're going to make this pussy fart? I said, do what? He said, you're going to make this pussy fight? I said, keep your fucking boys down. Keep your boys down. I said, what are you asking me? She goes, you're going to make this pussy a ship? I texted my mom. I said, hey, I met the Houston Life Sharks on Roadie. I need you come get me real quick. You're going to have to come get me. Hey, security man, you ever made a pussy fox? Strong and silent type I like that saxophone you ever made that pushy fart what that sound like now that ain't it that ain't it you need to see a doctor that ain't it Michael Gonzalez you ever made a pussy fight what that sound like boy Michael Gonzalez

Happy Black History Month. We've got Darnell here, they got that light-skinned feller painting, and they got D-Madness dressed like a butler. Unreal, what a trait. Before we get started on it, he's not, listen, I don't care what you are. Okay, it's your right, as human being, Whatever you do don't impede on what someone else does, that's your right as a human being. Look, I don't care if you're gay. I don't care if you're trans. I don't even care if you're black. Your body, your choice, you know what I'm doing? And you all are like, well, black's not a choice. Well, they choose to be that loud at the movie theater, don't they? Listen now, listen here, God damn it, listen. I ain't racist to nobody. I don't want to, but there is one motherfucker I do hate, okay? One motherfucker, I can't stand. And that is a motherfucker with the audacity to ask me if I want to help them move furniture from one apartment complex to the other. Okay, listen, dude, the goddamn blatant disrespect you gotta ask me to help you move with California King down two flights of stairs? Yeah, man, as soon as we get there, you might as well just fuck my wife on that mattress, all right? I'd rather have full-blown fucking aides, all right? Like, now Magic Johnson, quit playing basketball in the 90s. I'm talking Dallas buyer clubs' AIDS, all right? 99 cents a day, AIDS. You can swat them flies off the MEPio and kids' face. With that being said, I got a move on Saturday. If anybody's got a pickup truck, I can borrow

Hey, my parents are divorced, if you couldn't tell. And if your parents are divorced, I really don't fucking trust you, to be honest. If you ain't never been dropped off in a Walmart parking lot on Christmas Eve, in the back, right? Like a hostage negotiation? Or your mama got a flick to light at your daddy's car because they don't want to see each other in person just to go to your second Christmas? You don't know trauma. If you ain't ever seen your daddy pull your mama out of bar for drinking too much, you get in a domestic dispute, put the clothes on the ground. You got to lie to the cops about who started the fight. You don't know loyalty. Listen, my mom and daddy split when I was nine, all right? My daddy is a straight-laced, God-fearing Christian. He goes to work tired. He comes home sore. Well, mama, well, she's retarded. You see, my mom fucked all of Metallica in the 80s. She's built for tough, you know, talk about? She actually had a landing strip when she gave birth to me. That's why I got this haircut. And I remember the first day they split. I remember when it happened. We was driving on I-10. My mama got us lost. My daddy's arguing with her. My mom ain't much to argue. She just wants to punch real quick, right? And I got so scared that I swallowed a bunch of fucking lifesavers, and I started choking to maybe bring them together as a team, you know, to maybe salvage their marriage. They divorced three weeks later. My name's Uncle Laser. Y'all been great.

As y'all know. It was in a western about a year ago and it's gonna release a couple weeks and it had to in it. And there's really not an acting class for rape like anybody ever, anybody before. Exactly. Well, they paid me 10 grand. So there I am on set. Getting ready to, and I don't think you just go up to someone and go, Hey, I'm gonna, you, you know, I feel like you gotta rough 'em up a little bit. Soften the meat. And I was working with this little French actress, fuck the French, you know, and I'm asking her between sets like, Hey, am I hitting you too hard? Is there anything I could be doing better? And she smoke a little cigarette, like, how long you been acting? I said, about six hours. She said, well, we're acting so act when the director called action for the next take. I clotheslined that bitch into hell. I said, I'm not a, my boyfriend is, my name's Uncle Leslie. I've been great.

Y'all, we got any trans people in here? Hell yeah. I'm still gonna fucking talk about y'all. What's up? Hey listen, I got invited to a drag brunch the other day. Okay. That's not the funny part, sir, but I know what you're thinking. Same thing. I was thinking like bottomless mimosas, NASCAR count men, you know? And when I get there, it's bottomless mimosas, but it's, but like post-op pit crew dressed up like Mrs. Doubtfire. Okay. Their wieners tucked under Lady GI was born this way and I wasm just like you weren't fucking born that way. You know, you weren't. But I get about 16 goddamn mimosas deep and I forgot where it was. And your boy got ready to risk it all on a girl named Peter. Okay? And man, and Peter started fucking sexing back and forth. And I'm a shooter, so I led with a dick pic, got one back and I was like, what's that? She goes, that's before. I said, what's after? And she, she's like, well, you know, I'm postop my wiener done, been repaired, the two old lady's vagina. And I said, well, that's not Christian. You know? And y'all ever seen a dick that's been turned into a vagina? Nope. Y'all ever re reheat lasagna in the microwave for too long? Oh my God. But y'all ever been inside a wiener that's been repaired in two woman's vagina? Lot shallower than you think. It is a lot more shallower. It's like you ever cannonball into a kitty pool and scrape your knee on the concrete? My name's Uncle Laser. Y'all been fucking great.