Kill Tony #771

So girls named America are always fucking Mexican. Think that's enough to fool us? Nice try. We've got problems in this country, folks. How do we stop homelessness? We tried fentanyl now. What? There's only so many cigarettes I can lease. You aren't even supposed to call them homeless anymore, right? They prefer the term toilet protesters or something. It's hard to keep track of. People want to change the name of everything now. A few years ago, we got rid of the Redskins again. second time's a charm something I think we need to change the name of is the NAACP the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People Whoa! W…

I imagine if you lived in a world that make you take a test to prove that you were not gay. And all they had to do was accuse you off it in public. And you had to take the test. Salem, witch trial style. Kind of like, hey, bro, I think you're gay. There's no way. There's no way. way that I'm gay. I have a wife and kids. No, I think you're gay and on the down low. All of a sudden the crowd surrounds the accused. Test, test, test. All of a sudden, you find yourself in gay court in front of an all-gay court judge. You sir have been accused of being gay on the down low. How do you plea? Not guilty. I'm a straight man. You said been f…

I'm gonna start this off with a confession um i am bald. It's true. I've been hat fishing women professionally now for a very long time. And the key to doing it right is to make sure the hat does not come off until the clothes come off. Because by that time, she's committed. It's too late. Got you, bitch. Got your ass. Didn't know I was ugly, did you? Ha ha. Recently, I've been told that with my hat on, I look like an ice target. With my hat off, I look like an ice employee. I can't help that I have resting ice face. And that's my time.

Anything going to happen? Yo, what's going on, Austin? How are you guys doing? You guys are good? Yeah. I just moved here, bro. They're like fucking Friday, man. Yeah. I grew up in America, but for the last 10 years, I've been living up in Montreal, Quebec, Canada. or as our president likes to call it, gay Alaska. Say what you want about Canadians, man. It's nice being in a place doesn't have guns, you know. I feel safe walking around just having these goofy fucking ears, man. It's that Dana White privilege, bro. Cops are nice to me. They didn't even know what race I am. These ears are from Jiu-Jit-T, you guys know what that is?…

I have a problem with talking to girls. I'm not really good at flirting. Like for instance, this morning I was leaving the gym and I saw this really hot girl walking towards me. I was like, I'm gonna want to talk to her, I'm going to do it so I held the door for her and she walked by. She goes, thank you so much and looks down at my feet. She goes, I really like your shoes and verbatim. What I said back was mm-hmm, I bought them. She's going to be single forever. My last girlfriend wasn't really my type. She used to put me in hypothetical situations. Like one time we were watching 51st dates with Adam Sandler, and she goes, you l…

So I was thinking a lot about addiction recently. You know, a lot of people addicted to alcohol. They won't admit that they have a problem with it. Now, I'm not an alcoholic, but I am a shopaholic. It's where I spend just way too much money at the liquor store and get drunk all the time. No, I used to do a lot of drugs, actually. Let's hear for drugs. I used to use this thing called the Silk Road. Do you guys know what that is? Yeah, all right, nice. If you don't know, it was a dark net marketplace where you could get anything you wanted, shipped discreetly to your house, using cryptocurrency, right, to keep it pseudo-anonymous.…

I was a comedian in Japan. Yeah, for 23 years. Yeah, I was super successful in Japan. Yeah, but I gave up my entire career everything, everything, to take me up, to take me in here, right? Yeah, sometimes my American friend called me Kamikaze. Yeah, I'm a Kamikaze, yeah. Do you know Kamikaze? During World War II, Kamikaze pilot flew with just enough. Failed for one-way trip, just one-way trip. And they crash into American warships, right? Yeah, I'm Kamikaze. But to be honest, America is so expensive for me. So every three months, I go back to Japan to make money. Yeah, I'm Kamikaze. I'm Kamikaze. Yeah, I'm Kamikaze. I'm Kamikaze.…

How the hell are y'all doing? All right, that's enough crowd work. I want to preface this first joke by saying that I do not condone police brutality. I think it is not cool. However, if you think about it, where would rap music be if cops were always nice to black people? You know, there'd be no too, No, Biggie, no ice cube. No ice cube. Do you want to live in a world without the movie? Are we there yet? I was giving my roommate a ride the other day, and she was like, Remington, why is your car so clean? And I was like, well, I lit her

Here we go. Keep it going for Kill Tony. Fuck yeah. All right, so I have a serious question for everyone involved in this situation right now. Who here likes anime? Yeah, fuck anime, honestly. That shit is fucking gay. Like, honestly, the people who watch anime try so hard to convince you to watch it, too, that, you know, honestly, it feels like I'm about to go jerk somebody off while watching it. You know, like, it got to the point where, like, the people who, I don't know, man, like, it kind of throws me off, like, this whole anime thing. Like the other day, my friend was like, yo, Angel, we should do a couple of bumps of ketam…

Cut that shit, DJ. Got this pink sweater on. I just left a lesbian baby shower. They were all girls. Yeah. My cousin, she's like the stud out of the relationship. That was the first time I got to see it, so I ain't know what to say. I was like, damn, got a nigga pregnant. Got a nigga pregnant. But her, her husband. her baby mother beefing. So we're not sure if she might be a single mother and father right now, we're gonna see. I just got fired from my job for stealing my coworker lunch. Anybody ever stole a coworker lunch before? Just me. I stole my coworker hot pocket out the microwave, out the sleeve. You ever help somebody loo…

Up, Austin, Texas. How the hell are you? My name is Bobby Ludlam. That's our first to Bobby and Alaska. Lincoln Union Delta Lima Alpha Mary. If any of you are fucking cops out there. I moved here from California because in California you have to suck dick for stage At least that's what I thought. Boy, was I embarrassed. I was trying polyamory, which is Latin, for lonely on Friday night. I tried to get my girlfriend to have sex with me in the public restroom, you know, the family restroom at the public pool, and she said, no, what if we get caught? And I told her, don't worry, I'll just tell them you're my sister. I only play tag…

Here we go. Feels good to be here, man. I love doing this shit. It's my favorite part of my night every night. It's going to perform for you guys. I still got my day job and everything. My day job of an engineer. I got my degree in aerospace engineering, which is not what you want to hear right now. I know that. Because you don't want someone working on airplanes who has other dreams. You know what I'm saying? We told too many kids they can, like, be anything when they grow up, you know what I mean? That's why the doors were flying off at Boeing because... Because somewhere the door guy just wanted to dance. You know what I'm say…

I've been on TikTok way too much. To the point where I'm just like watching ads all the way through. You don't have to do that. You can just keep scrolling. I saw an ad for a product called Boom Boom Stick. A little chapstick size tube. It's got smelling salts in it to wake you up before work. Comes in flavors like mint and mango and citrus. Their tagline, it's legal cocaine. I don't know about you guys. I've done illegal cocaine. If it doesn't taste like loose change, I don't want it. Get that blueberry bullshit. out of here. Do you have a nickel-flavored boom-boom stick? Saw an ad for a speakeasy. It's a little ironic. I though…

How y'am, brum, burn. How y'all doing tonight? White people in Puerto Rico. Hell yeah, man. I've been thinking about life lately, man. I've been thinking about my aunt Rose a lot. She was one of my favorite people on earth. She had dementia. Y'all know how dementia work, right? When they get older, they old, but they're living in the best moments of their life. And I talk to my aunt Rose, and she'll say something like, hey, David, you want to go on a hay ride? And I'm like, Hey, right, who this bitch went to school with? Huckerberry Finn? But the crazy part about dementia is that ain't never going to change. We're going to be dea…