Kill Tony #770

I'm living by myself. And this shit is bullshit. I was not ready for this. I don't have the right shit to live by myself. I had to go fucking buy a couch, nigga. And why didn't y'all tell me couch costs car money? Did she was, I walked into the store, and I was like, yo, I need some couches. He said, how many? I said, I need enough for six asses to sit down, right? He said, you want a bone-in couch, or you on a boneless couch? And I was like, nigger, like hot wings? Let me get the bone in. I'm gonna land a nigga. We, like, mowing in wings, and then he went, and he said, well, these two right here is gonna be $10,000. And I was li…

I've been noticing I've been saying y'all a lot lately. And I have a few issues. with that. My first issue is that I'm not from that part of Virginia. My second issue with it is I stopped saying it when I was a kid because I got me fun of it church for saying it. And yes, it was a Catholic church. Catholics are horrible people. I should know I'm one of them. And you can tell I'm a practicing Catholic because I don't go to church. I try to get to confession, but every Every time I get walking in the right direction, I end up getting turned around by some Latter-day Saints. So I'm assuming that's how I ended up here. But I can say…

What's up, Austin? I'm here in Texas visiting my girlfriend. She's from Texas. She's kind of like a pit bull. She's like slim, sturdy. She's loyal, and she loves playing with balls. She's like the airbud of playing with my balls. Like you've heard of the throat goat. She's the stroke goat. Tony's like, sorry. So the first time her and I went out, we went out to a hot tub, and I, and I like passed out. All the blood was like not going to my brain. And I passed out. She woke me up. She took care of me. She's like, I need to take you home. She's, I'm going to make sure you're okay tonight. She takes me home, shows me this, like, str…

Man, that was the perfect intro music, guys. Thank you very much, Traylor. Hinch, it is Nillamack. I thought I had a better chance with a stupid fucking name. Lately, I've been reflecting on the golden age of American advertising. You know, when nice, gently dressed white folks explained, if you got a fucking problem at your house, here's a fucking thing that will help you deal with your fucking thing, and this won't help you better than the other fucking things. And then the husband comes down for a cup of coffee. Thank you, honey. This coffee tastes like absolutely. You stupid fucking bitch. I thought we already had this conver…

Hello, everybody. So, pepper spray sucks. especially when it explodes in your sex toy drawer. Yeah, it's no good. You can imagine how my shade of white would handle something like that. Not very good. But luckily, it wasn't one of my toys. It was one of her toys, and it was a butt plug. Unfortunately, we didn't catch it in time. It was the worst or best episode of Hot Ones you've ever seen because she's on top and she's like, what's wrong? Something burns. Something burns. But I knew exactly to go for that glass of milk right away. So I got that and a turkey baster. And, yeah, she down that milk pretty quick, and I did have to ge…

Here we go. Man, so I recently went through a breakup, been going through a dry spell since then. Met a woman recently, the most beautiful Filipino I've ever met in my life. To my surprise, she came up to me, started asking me questions. Oh, how are you? Nice to meet you. Do you have any kids? I need to stop with the accent. Red man's getting horny over there. And then she asked me out on a date. but then I realized she asked me if I was from here and I was like damn she might be an undercover ice agent so I panicked but I did take her up on this date like I said I was on a dry spell on this date she kept asking questions so you…

Well, I met into Boston next Monday, and I asked the wife to suggest something fun to do. She suggested we'd do the marathon. I'm not an expert, but I think it takes you longer than seven days to prepare a pressure cooker bomb. I was at the supermarket over the weekend, and it dawned on me. You know what you don't see at the supermarket these days? Nancy Guthrie, I'll tell you what you do see. Fucking toddlers. So, it was this annoying toddler. His parents were oblivious to what he was doing, wandering around. He starts running towards me and my shopping cart. Now, I could have been the good guy and moved out the way, but no, I t…

Make some noise of your superstitious. Shit, I guess just me. I don't get what's up with the black cats. Like, what makes them bad luck, right? Like, if you sees as bad luck, if it crosses the street, is bad luck. All I do is whenever I see a black cat, I think, there goes to the neighborhood. Believe it or not, I said that joke one time, and a lady called me racist. You would not be saying that if you saw my search history, lady. Ah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Latinas and Asians. Ha ha ha ha. Sorry, baby. Baby.

I know I look like I build benches and stress tests them with my ass. I know I look like a carpenter's sleep paralysis team. And what do you mean there's a weight limit? I'm getting to the size now where my clothes have no name brands anymore. These suspenders, guys, you've seen them holding down a dresser in the back of your buddy's Tacoma. Come on. These are load-bearing, guys. Come on. I've been trying to do something about it. I've been going to Overeaters Anonymous, you know? It's like AA for, you know, beautiful people. It's not working. It's really not working. Fuck. Perfect. It's really not. You did it. First visit, guys.…

Yeah, I'm the last nigga in blackface. I'm dating a white girl now and what I have realized is that white women really love their dogs. I do believe if white women could give birth to dogs, they would. It's so weird. Like, I'm fucking with this white bitch and she got one of them little small bullshit-ass dogs. And I was at her house the other day and I was eating her husband. pussy with my fucking ass in the air on her bed. And her fucking dog jumped on the bed. And I'm like, hey, bitch, lock this nigga in his fucking cage. Because if he licked my ass, it's over with it. I knew I should have laid down a sniper position to eat th…

I am a bunch of white privilege let me tell you I'm born in Africa so it technically makes me African American that must make some of you a little uncomfortable or excited depends on the day what didn't help was my mother was a fantastic drug smuggler I was the mule so you can imagine little boy beautiful mom lots of cocaine borders straight through. I just kept doing it. I grew up. I was like, oh, this white privilege thing seems to work. And then I get to New York City, and I'm hanging out in the Bronx, and my friends go, you got a little too much white privilege. I'm like, but I'm African American. They kicked my ass. But afte…

You gotta be fucking kidding me. Unbelievable. This show is crazy. There's one. Bamb, pump. Let's go in your face. I need I be very what you're okay, but da da da da da Okay. Okay, is there more you wanted to do something? I had... Okay. Fuck yes, dude. dude. Yes. That was fucking awesome. Keep doing that.

I'm going to start. I'm going to waste part of my minute. What the fuck was that? What? I almost Daisy Duke. my shirt coming out this way. That was wild. No, you don't want to see that. It's sad underneath here. Here's my minute. Fuck, uh, fuck Pete Diddy, dude. Fuck, Pete Diddy, I know you like him, but I don't like him. I don't like the guy. I think the worst thing he ever did was music. Hang on. I think, I think if he was better at music, we'd forgive the rest of it. Like, think... Hang on. Hang on. I only got a minute. Think about Michael Jackson, dude. Michael Jackson, they said, Michael's fucking kids. And he said, ah, ch,…

Folks! I support a woman's right to choose and a man's right to snooze. Wake me up when the kid's dead, bitch, okay? I don't know how to tell my girlfriend I want an abortion, so I just bought some red confetti. for the gender reveal and I figure that to send the message. I'm actually thinking about getting a vasectomy or as trans people call it, microdosing. Seriously, folks, if you would have told me like 10 years ago that one day men were actually going to be allowed in women's bathrooms, then I would have pled not guilty. Just needed more time. Thank you.