Kill Tony #793

Okay. What's up? I didn't, fuck this mic, okay, okay, sorry, okay, first joke, okay, okay, I was, oh man, I was at the strip club, and yeah, I was like, hey, can I tap this, and she was like, what? And I said, I'm paying with card, you know? You guys aren't digital. Okay. No, I'm getting older. I'm looking to settle down. I'm doing the thing. I'm looking for a godly woman. So I've been asking out nuns, and they really play hard to get, you know? They're really locked in, you know? And it gets kind of awkward because they say, oh, call me sister. And I'm like, this is kind of weird, you know, whatever you're into.

I like getting to travel uh because i get to hear and experience new accents when i was in New Mexico the waitress that was helping me I was like god that's so thick and beautiful what is that and she said I'm deaf thank you I've been married for 17 years to a woman thank you um for the first 15 years we did not want kids but that recently changed we have a beautiful 10 month old girl and uh you don't have to clap it sucks uh but now that she's here my wife and i have realized we still don't want kids but uh it's very important for me to be a father because my father walked out and after being a dad for 10 months I get why he did…

So do you think Hitler would like rap music? I wonder what his favorite song would have been. I don't fuck with... Jews? I mean, we got some Kanye fans in this motherfucker. So I'm from Florida. And everyone's like, oh, Florida must be so terrifying. Like, growing up, there were those damn hurricanes and alligators. No shit. We got Haitians, too. so they're like oh did you hear about that baby that get ate by a gator there i'm like that ain't nothing that's just a florida abortion. Shit I'm so Florida I say oranges With a hard R Alright thank you guys

Hello. Hi. My mom didn't tell me I was black until I was eight years old. And the next day she told me I was ashy. i am i had kind of an unconventional upbringing I'm half Mexican um and I'm trying to get more in touch with that side of my culture so i started um saying the n-word yeah i love the n-word um I'm actually i do love the culture though is anyone here familiar with brujería brujería if you don't know it's sort of like Mexican for like witchcraft I think. And one of my aunts is actually a curandera, which if you don't know, is Mexican for having a lot of eggs at your house. I don't know. I'm kind of weird. I just got ou…

Here we go. Okay, thank you. My friend told me he had a scat fetish. So I said, skabee-ba-da-ba-do-ba-da-ba-do-ba-da-dow. And he came in his pants. My girlfriend says, I shouldn't watch porn because it sets up unrealistic expectations for her as a woman. And then she watched three hours of HGTV. I think it's true that porn can mess with expectations because my first girlfriend was insecure about the way her pussy looked. And that's not the joke. She was insecure about the way her pussy looked. And it's a weird insecurity to hav because, like, how would anyone ever know, you know? How would anyone ever find out, Elizabeth? Elizabe…

I was single for six years until recently now at seven all right that's only partially true i really was single for a long time i am dating someone now and he's great but the other day i snapped at him and because of that i thought he was going to break up with me and all i could think about in that moment was how pathetic it was going to be having to disassemble my cpap machine that's at his house it's like i do not want to do that that is degrading I've worked a lot of different jobs over the years and i think the weirdest job that i worked was i was a bartender at a swingers club in the basement of a day's end lobby yeah some…

Yeah they had me on riddling when i was a kid so oh here he is hey y'all uh i might have fucked up um i was supposed to come up here if i had a minute but i was too busy getting pussy last night to write a minute and like i came twice in her pussy though so that was good it's like a it's really an improvement because usually like I'm too busy getting fucked by black guys in the ass so like now at least I'm a little straighter and the thing about getting fucked by black guys in the ass is like you can turn the lights off because you don't got to see them you know you just got to feel a lot but I'm really happy that I'm I'm you kno…

All right how's it going everybody good beautiful beautiful i had uh my wife had to call an ambulance for me not too long ago i had a kidney failure it wasn't really as bad as kidney failure it was acute kidney failure it was actually kind of adorable uh but she called an ambulance nonetheless she called an ambulance and uh to my house came uh two paramedics uh they walked into my home and i found there were two non-binary paramedics which is great you know and I'm fine with that and i understand why they put them in the same car you know why ruin two totally normal people's day just put them in the same bus and let them yammer a…

What's up, y'all? Oh, man. So when I moved here a year ago to Austin, And people was telling me to, like, watch out for snakes and stuff, right? But I got a buddy that's a professional snake handler. And his advice to me was that if they're round-eyed, they're non-venomous. But if they oval-eyed, they're venomous. And I looked at him and was like, that's some useless-ass information, bro. Because if I see a snake, the last thing I'm going to do is going to be like, hold on a second. What shape are your eyes? Let me see. Like, you American or Asian? Which one are you, you know? I'm a very antisocial person, really am antisocial, a…

Hey, if you got a big dick, say, I'm a Chinese retard. I don't hear you. I'm going to be honest with you, folks. I can't find the clit. i can't find it i say find it because ladies don't help by the way huh supposed to help and just so you know ladies this is this is what your fucking crazy little pussies look like anyways hold on give me a second I'm gonna work my way here so you seek to pleasure this woman well first you must pass my trial and find me betwixt the folds be wary dear boy for if you fail she will tell all her friends am i over here perhaps I'm over here getting colder getting drier so dry hey player you went too f…

Oh, I got it. All right. What's up, Gil Tony? My friends call me IHOP, and I don't get it because I'm a fucking Waffle House guy. I had a girl outside come up and she says, you look like Brad Pitt. Or, no, armpit. Yeah, she said, you look like an armpit. I'm loving Austin, man. The speed limit here is 85 miles an hour in some places. I'm like, fuck yeah, I'm down for some racing, man. I used to do some racing back in my day, but now with automobiles, a different kind of racing, you know? hell yeah fucking a man you know i did i lost my leg in a bike rack after the accident i did a lot of drinking and drugs then people want to tel…

I feel bad, like, that dude can have my Medicaid. I do not fucking need it that bad. You know? Man, I have some wild things, wild events happen in my life recently. I just found out I have a sister. It turns out she's pretty hot. Right. Dude, I'm just joking. For the record, I don't think my sister's hot, dude. I prefer the term ooga. But that also means I got a nephew. Not hot. That's gross. We're related. I go over to his birthday party I have no idea what to give the kids So I get him one of those kazoos You know, it's that musical instrument. He's like, what's this? And I'm like, bro, it's practice for your breathalyzer So my…

Do y'all know how many people were celebrating their birthdays in the Twin Towers during 9-11? Six. Why don't we blame them? Think about it. If my shitty boss walked up to me on my birthday with a cupcake and said, make a wish, what would y'all wish for? I know what I wish for. be like man i wish this place burns to the ground with everyone in it y'all um I used to live next to the korean baptist church i walked in 50 foot statue of dennis rodman they weren't southern korean baptists they were northern korean baptists y'all i used to date the most goth girl in the world can i get how goth was she she died all those other goth gir…

There was a terrible, tragic plane crash yesterday. Just wanted to wait a few seconds in case there's any Jews in here that want to start dancing. Big election tomorrow, or as Democrats are calling it, Taco Tuesday, okay? Folks, if you don't want men in women's sports Then stop telling me I throw like a girl Ridiculous I met a trans girl recently And after getting to know her for a bit I was like, oh wow, you're smarter than you look Okay, used to be a guy And they're smarter than girls That'll be it, thank you