Kill Tony #790

I had a dream when I was a little kid. I, I really wanted to be an astronaut. And they don't let fat people be astronauts. I think that's fucked up because who would appreciate being weightless more than a guy like me, dude, just touching rim for once. Just once. But I'm not the, I'm not the fattest you could be like, there's levels to fat. I think the fattest a man can be is a man who wears suspenders. Imagine needing the same technology as a bridge to hold your pan. Jump off the fucking bridge. He can't, isn't it kind of funny for a fat guy to kill himself? He has to put a gun in his mouth. Oh man, this is silly. What do you ca…

This is incredible. Unbelievable. The Pittsburgh Steelers lost to the Cleveland Browns. Anyway, guys, I want to talk to you about the perfect way to die. Has anyone ever considered how they might want to die? My grandfather just recently passed in his sleep. Right? I thought that's pretty good. I had really considered the perfect way to die. I gave it a lot of thought. And I just recently changed my mind. But before I thought, you know, the perfect way to die would be, you know, the rapture happens. The, you know, I feel like I'm dying right now, actually. But, you know, the rapture happens, right? And all my loved ones are lifte…

We're really doing it. Red Van. Oh, let's go. That look corny. Anyone. All right. All right. Bunch of ugly motherfuckers. All right. So you heard that they arrested Donald Duck, calm selling, quack, making his friends all goofy. Flipping a Mickey's guy almost got away in Mini's. Van got as far as Pluto. That's where they caught up with him. He's in the clink. I just moved to Austin. The the Jews are taking over. They, they got half that our favorite grocery store. HEB. Eventually gonna call it Hebrews. Come on, get a rim shot. Come on. This guy's laughing back here. All right, so I just moved in with my friend. His name's Travis,…

Something kind of embarrassing happened to me. I, I, I tripped and fell on my face. Luckily nobody saw, I'm just kidding. Everybody saw, everybody saw in the whole pack theater because I was on this show and I fell on this stage and nobody laughed, which is good. Normally if you fall, you're like, I hope nobody laughs. And It was fucked up because the next week I saw somebody fall right off their e-bike and everybody laughed. Everybody thought it was hilarious. So anyways, but it wasn't my fault. Everybody asked like, were you shitfaced? I was like, yes, I was shitfaced, but it was Heidi's fault. I was in the back. I was waiting…

Yeah. Mothership. Listen, I've been dating this fucking witch. How? Hey, That's Not the funny part, sir. Just way. Fucking witch retard. Okay, I'm met at the Rin Fair. You can get him a dime a dozen out there. She's got tattooed above her eyebrows. Says Venomous. I'm like, what's that? She's like, it's a warning for pink eye. What is that? She said, no, it's a phase. I'll grow out of it. I go, Uhuh. I said, phase is listening. Papa Roach. And Look, she's not like a regular witch, like spooky season. Like, you know, decorates her house with Halloween shit. Nuh, she like sings to her plants, you know, like she screams Evanescence a…

Hey, my name's Greta. I'm from Germany And It came in like two years ago because you guys are so much fun, right? You are so positive. Like you have the American dream and well now in Germany We had one dream one time and nobody really liked it. Now my grandparents were actually part of the dream. They fought in the German army and they never really got over it. So they opened a bakery. In fact, it's crazy because now you would think that Germans are so liberal, right? Well no, he is the truth. My grandparents were Nazis and they are still getting a military discount. I think that also explains why Germans are not religious anymo…

Hey, how we doing tonight? Anybody here from out of town? Welcome. Welcome to Austin. We got a lot of homeless people in Austin. Not sure if you noticed or I mean the, the unhoused, right? I don't get that one. Unhoused. We're just moving a suffix to a prefix. It would be like if instead of saying retarded, we said tared again. Woo. That boy, He's tared again. I don't know. So much is happening. It's hard to keep up. You gotta get your news wherever you can get it. Like I was driving down the highway the other day and I saw a billboard that said, Hey Texans Democrats now support communism. Republicans don't. Which would be crazy…

How the fuck are we doing? Hey, giga, nice to see you. Are you a battery? Because those are some double a small pits. I mean, come on. What? Trump, bro. What are you doing, bitch? All right. I'm a we're back bitch. I'm gonna do a couple impressions for you guys. This first one, 'cause we have a Japanese guy right here is gonna be Xi Jing Ping Emperor of China, saying, what's up? All right, check this out. Harrow. Guys, that's a workshop. I am Workshop guys. Relax. Okay, come on. All right, let's do another one. Let's do this guy. Andrew Dice Clay, check this out. All right, this last one is gonna be, guys, This, This last one is…

So I'm a single dad. Do you have any single dads here? Probably not. All right. Figure that. My son's 18 and I'm 36. So I started pretty young. Yeah. One thing I found out pretty young is that you're not supposed to cream pie and have a curfew. Can't do that. I came home from school and my mom's like, are you ready to have a baby? I was like, can I put my backpack down? No, it's, I'm very lucky. My son's a great kid, but raising a young man, there's a lot of like male competitive energy. Right? Like, every time I go to his room, I make sure I am knocking on that door. It's super hard because God forbid I walk in on him jacking of…

Yes. The redheaded antichrist is here. So I recently had to spend $40 to find out I had a miscarriage. I mean, really, I could have just spent that on a grief cake, but Okay. Sweetss never hurt anybody except diabetics. Sorry, red ba. No, but I recently moved to the domain area here in Austin. People said it's great. Yeah. The cockroaches in my apartment. Love it. No. Great So here's the a DD making me completely lose my memory. No, I don't. I believe in equality. So when I see someone in a wheelchair at a crosswalk and I'm out dashing, I don't stop for them. No. Yeah, no. Here's your equality. You wanted this. You get to wait on…

The streets call me Nick. I got into an argument with my friend the other day. He tried to tell me a word cracker was as offensive as the N word. I said, that's preposterous they use in advertising. We go to Cracker Barrel right now. Play a little peg game. We've never won. Buy a box of Cracker Jacks. We all enjoy those. Find a little pride inside. Prize inside. I ain't never seen a boxing nigga puffs on this show. I feel like. I feel like the N word is marijuana and black people are the government and everyone else like just legalize it. You know? We use it. Can't do that. It's like, All right, we're still gonna keep using it. Y…

I just had a baby. And one thing that I didn't know about pregnancy is it makes your boobs bigger. During my pregnancy, my boobs may be doubled in size and that's fine for other people, but I already had big boobs, so now they just outta hand. Don't nobody want these big ass high school lunch lady titties. Look at this bullshit. I do not want these big ass bus driver titties. Look on the side like I'm smuggling cantaloupe. I had to, I had to get all new bras. Look at these big industrial straps. Look at this bullshit. Ugh. I guarantee you can use this to tie your Christmas tree to the roof of your car. I, Ugh, gross. This is not…

Folks, Knock, knock. Jaqua jaqua. Oh, you gonna learn today? Okay. All right. Damn Reset for this next one. I want you to all picture, it's the year 2075, and somehow homeless guys are still wearing Vietnam jackets. Fuck it. Things are built to last. God damn, it's not nearly as many homeless women out there all at my place Recently with a gal. She tells me size doesn't matter. I was like, I know if it did, I wouldn't be talking to you. Fucking big fatty. Okay, that's enough. Thank you.