Mason Bird

Life is like a box of chocolates. Fat, people finish it a lot faster. I'm fat, but I'm working on it. Like, I learned how to make Caesar dressing from scratch the other day. What you do is you take Greek dressing and you stab it in the back 23 times. If you don't get that joke, you're fucking stupid. Idiot. No, I live with a lady, you know, and she likes to do this thing when we argue. Like, she likes to attack my masculinity. The other day, she was like, be a man, kill that bug. That's so unfair. I can't be like, be a woman. Take care of me. Run your fingers through my hair. Because that'd be a very inappropriate. thing to say to your mom in your 20s. No, actually, I live with a lesbian, which is something I suggest you don't do unless you want to find out how much pussy you don't get, dude.

I was walking late at night And I saw these two women walking down the street and one of 'em looked at her friend and said, Oh my God, that guy is so creepy. But the other lady, the other lady looked at her friend and said, it's not like he can catch us. Anyways, I turned around, I fucking stopped. The bitch was right. I couldn't catch her. She was so fucking fast, uphill. Not a good advantage. I was talking to a trans woman, don't ask why. And she asked me, she said, Mason, do you believe in trans women? Do you think they're real? And I was like, I view trans women the same, same exact way. I view God only in a time of dire knees. You'll find me on my knees praying.

I, I got on a lime scooter the other day and I drove like two or three feet in the bike. Stop. So I checked the app and it was like, Hey, just so you know, only one rider per scooter, please. Has anyone ever had to press a com button to confirm they were an individual? I know the exact moment. I, I needed to stop riding the bike. I drove by a black woman. She was like, oh hell no. She was I, I went to Europe and I saw the Mona Lisa, like the most famous painting of all time. And when I was there, this Korea couple walked up to me, they're like, Hey, can you take a photo of us? And I was like, sure. And I thought they want to take a photo like them and the Mona Lisa, but they wanna take a photo with me. They're like, this guy's so fat White and American. We have to show our friends back at home. Dude, I look like World War III propaganda. There's photos of me in North Korea. This is democracy. This is freedom. This is McDonald's.

I have the mindset of an NFL quarterback when I have sex. If I go three and out one more time, they're gonna put in the black guy. That's great. And they and and they should. The black guys can do spin moves in the pussy. I'm much more of a pocket pussy passer. My pocket presence is crazy. Dude. No, I I don't use a pocket pussy. I know what I look like us. I know. I look like I know serial numbers us. Is that the X 4 72? Not sloppy enough for me. Dude, there's a lot of double standards in this life. Like if a guy likes trains, he's autistic. But if a girl likes trains, she's the coolest girl ever.

A teenager told me I look like a school shooter the other day that shoots insulin instead of bullets. He was like, your least favorite part of a school shooting would be missing lunch. It better not be pizza today. Dude. That's what I got. I feel like the only way I can personally relate to Rosa Parks is when I'm walking through the center of an airplane and everyone's staring at me like that motherfucker better not sit next to me. Dude, You better taken his ass to the front of the plane where the big fellas belong. No, I get it though. Like I saw a dude fatter than me walking through the airport and I was like, that motherfucker bear knocking on my plane.