Kandyce August

Hey, I am in. an interracial marriage, and so I'm the only black person in my husband's family. And because of that, they always have noyan-ass questions for me. One time my sister-in-law was like, hey, Candace, can you please talk to the kids about Juneteenth? And that shit pissed me to fuck off. Because then I had to go look up with Juneteenth was. I had absolutely no idea. I snuck in the bathroom and searched that shit on Google. I was like, oh, this is why I was off work on Monday? Oh, okay. Since they always got questions for me, I decided to start making shit up, just giving us superpowers. They asked me a dumb question. I give them a dumb answer. Like, hey, Candice, do black people like fried chicken? Of course we do. And we can see in the dark. Did you know that? That's my time.

All right. My husband's Muslim. And when we got married, we had to do the Islamic wedding ritual. For those of you who do not know, the Islamic wedding ritual is called Vana. I will spell it for you. It is N as in Nancy, IK as in kangaroo, a H as in Harold. The n*gga problem is, I had not seen that word written down before. I heard that shit out loud. Picture it on my wedding day. I'm standing there in my dress. I'm looking at my husband. So in love. The guy walks in. He's like, we are gathered here today to celebrate this. Blessed n*gga. He kept going in the eyes of Allah. Oh, niggas are beautiful and wonderful, and this nigga today is special. And I was just like, what the fuck did this n*gga say? What the, this? Thanks for the compliments, dude. But you can call me Candace.

Hello, Austin, how you doing? All right, let's get right into it. I realize I'm a hypocrite when it comes to my health. A hypocrite, because when the COVID vaccine came out, I was like, absolutely not. There hasn't been enough research. I refuse to compromise my health. Then when Ozempic came out, I was like, give me that shit right now. Give it to me. Right now. You can put it right here, doc, put it right. You said 40 pounds in two months? Both sides, put it on both. Lost a bit of weight, but not one single ounce came off my thighs. They didn't go anywhere. Thank you so much. They're real big, as you can see, and they rub together when I walk. So because of the friction, they're very dark in the middle, super black right here. Don't look away, Tony. Very black, super black in the middle. When I say black, y'all these thighs could have marched with Dr. King, just black as shit. I was outside minding my business, these thighs tried to bum a Newport from a n*gga. Let her go, let her go. I said, oh my God. I want to hear more about the black thighs, let her go. I'm sorry. That was the time limit. Do you have more black thighs stuff? Keep going. Yeah, absolutely. Go for it. Get her done. This is my closer. It says, I was outside minding my business, these thighs tried to bum a Newport from a nigga. This is.