Kill Tony #769

I love Latino people. I grew up part of Mexican high school. My best friend was Mexican, so I was, like, raised. Like, that's why I learned Spanish from. Like, I don't really know, like, chore Spanish, because, or I know, like, certain actions. Like, when his mama say, Peche, you duck, right? You know what I'm saying? That means duck in Spanish. And if you hear Peche Cabrón, that means duck and run in Spanish. And then I continued that love, you know, through my life, with my jobs, and I worked. Now I speak a different kind of Spanish. It's called steel-toed non-slip Spanish. It's like you got to work at, like, construction sites…

I am from California yeah hold on hold on And in San Diego, everyone is blonde. And everyone is in workout gear. And all the children sound like they're named after energy drinks. Slater, Rocket, and Jake. The less you care in San Diego, the cooler you are. No one has a job. Only perfect abs. We have our own language in San Diego as well. And if you ever get lost and you need to communicate with a local, you just pretend you're coming out of surgery and you kind of sounds like, yeah, that's what it sounds like. Thank you.

Thank you. So being Middle Eastern, I realized my childhood was very different from my white friends. So for instance, during summer breaks, My white friends' parents would send them to summer camp. My parents would send me to refugee camp. They learned new things like horseback riding. I learned how to ride the village donkey. I was so mad the camel was gone, though. My friends would brag about how many friends they made. They were like, oh, I got all these pen pals, I'm gonna write letters. I was so sad I didn't meet a single friend, but I did meet like 85 cousins. That was just on my mom's side, though. I still have to write c…

Hi, I'm Marty. The optimist sees the glasses half full. I'm a paranoid schizophrenic, so I see two glasses, and one of them wants to kill me. Chicks dig mentally ill guys. That's what my cats tell me. I went to Paris. I didn't have to buy a plane ticket. I just took mushrooms and watched Ratatouille. Woo! I like this crowd. You remind me my ex-girlfriend. She also liked the last guy better. Someone told me the 90s called and they want their hairstyle back. I said, really? The 90s called? And you didn't warn them about 9-11? Martin Malloy, you got one more, whatever the fuck you want to do, let's go, dude. I don't give a fuck, fuc…

Hello, comedy mothership, one day after Mother's Day. Daddy's home. It is I, ugly Ryan Gosling. Your last comic was a dream come true. Here comes the nightmare. And I just got back from the retard strangling competition. And boy is my neck sore. This guy got second place in the retard strangling competition. look how thin his neck is my name is George and if I look weird or creepy it's because I am I'm an Arab man even though I look like a Mexican woman every cartel member has a picture of me in their wallet that says do it for her I want the bear

I had a bad dick day the other day. You ever disappoint your girl so much? You have a bad dick day that you enroll into college? I had a bad dick day. I had to clean the whole house, bro. My dick was so bad, man. I had to call up a friend, and they told me to go to the gas station and get some boner pills. So I'm at the Circle K gas station buying dick pills. And the first thing I realized is that everybody there knows that my dick doesn't work. So I'm choosing the boner pills, and there's no ingredients. Now I've got to choose the boner pill based on the animal and the explosion behind it. I found one that said the vanilla goril…

What's going on, Austin? What's up? Oh, so a lot's been going on in my life recently. I started dating this new girl. She's actually very spontaneous. And I speak for a lot of men here when I say we love spontaneous women. Like, she's the type of girl that be like, and she'll be like, I want you to put my dick in the Cheerios and let me drink the milk out of the bowl. That's the type of spontaneity I like. That's the type of spontaneity. I think it was because, like, my last girl, she wasn't really spontaneous. Spontaneous. I love how everybody laughed at that. Yeah, she was not really spontaneous at all, bro. She was hella crazy…

My father taught me to carry a rubber on me at all times because it helps make women feel safe and I never know what I'm going to need it. But I feel like I'm doing something wrong because anytime I pull out my rubber, women don't feel safe at all. So say you, say, meet you like right here, right now, and I take you home like I plan on doing. You know, we're getting hot and heavy. It's time for me to pull out my rubber. I just tell you, if you don't stick my fucking cock in your mouth right now, bitch, I swear to Christ. If you don't put my pee-pee in your piehole whore, I need you to, please, I need you to do this for me. I love…

It's often been said that you're better off being born black than gay because at least you don't have to tell your parents. But here's who do have to tell their parents. The ugly white bitches who are fucking them. And to those people in the year 2026 who were still opposed to their white daughters dating black men, I have this to say. I agree with you. Because I'm opposed to reversing evolution. That's right. These ugly white bitches are ruining the DNA of the world's greatest athletes. And in doing so, they're ruining the future of professional sports. Because future generations may not get to see a man jump from the free throw…

Hi everybody my name is Ty I'm from Baltimore Maryland I just moved down to Austin it's very violent in Baltimore down here it's just like domestic violence so it's cool. Baltimore a gangster as hell, but I can't be a gangster because I'm ticklish. You ever try to hold somebody up? Y'all give me all your motherfuckers? Chill, y'all, chill, y'all, chill. I knew I wasn't a gangster because I got in a shootout one time, and I had thunk flip-flops on. life and thong flip-flops. I thought the shootout lasted 20 minutes longer because of my heels was clapping down the street. All right, that's my motherfucking tie.

Real trap shit. If you don't hear their traps, this is not a true exclusive. Damn, son, where'd you find this? Did you guys ever download rap music illegally in the 90s? I wanted to sing a song for you guys real quick. to the man in the sky. Will they open up the gates for Bill Gates? Will they open up the gates? Oh Shut your mouth get back in line Don't you dare Jesus Christ. Fuck. This is not the schizophrenic performer from tonight, somehow.

Four inches, everybody. Take perspective. It's a small cock. Sure. It's a huge monster cockroach. That's four inches to fear in the bedroom. When you see one, you're not sure whether to feel worse that you're truly living in filth or that it's monging you so badly as you do. Don't ask how I know, all right? I happen to know a lot of shit. And based on the shit that I know, Dubai chocolate sounds disgusting. It doesn't sound delicious at all. It doesn't help that it's green either. Anyway, people ask me if I'm gay, and I say no, but I spent a lot of time with gay guys. So I'd be lying if I said none of them ever rubbed off on me.…

Hello, my name is Shaz and I'm from Amsterdam and yes, this is what the Dutch look like now. Now I can see that some of you are looking into my face. I want to acknowledge that I have a very distinct look. I've had this mustache for the past 12 years and in these 12 years I have heard hundreds of comments that people have made. I've even ranked them like yesterday. This literally happened yesterday. 6th Street and a homeless guy called me a Middle Eastern Mario. I was recently in a meeting with a colleague and as soon as I entered the room, he said, look, here comes the Indian monopoly man. The best one, the best one so far I've…

Folks, this first one's a question for the fellas in the room. Fellas! You ever have a girl tell you she's going to give you some sloppy head and think to yourself, no shit, Fatty. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Only way you know how. Hey, what can I say, folks? If loving fat girls is wrong, I don't want to be white. Other night at the bar, I was talking to this girl who described herself as a light-skinned Latina. But I think what she really meant was a Spanish retard. All right, that's all for anything.