Kill Tony #765

I'm on Tinder now. Grindr was too easy. I needed a challenge. I don't settle for that easy shit. Found my ex on that other app. Google Maps. Got you bitch fucking try and run from me. Dummy. I cheated on her like she was a math test with a Chinese boy, but, you know, that's college for you. Went on a date with an older gal recently, told me she was going through menopause. I was like, oh, well, your mouth still gets wet, right? Fucking, we can make this work. Let's not get all hasty. A lot of the women I've dated have been single moms after I'm through with them. Will cause and effect? Other night in bed, this black girl told me…

I flew here. On a blunt. I'm from Austin. I'm in Austin. So basically what happened was I didn't plan to be here and then now I'm here. So this guy told me not to say his name on stage, Jimmy Prescott. And he invited me because he said that sometimes I'm funny, but only when people aren't around. Usually I do crowd work, but that's found upon when there's only 60 seconds, so, because y'all take too long to think. But I think it's kind of crazy that the Epstein files dropped and everybody just sort of like, cool, yeah. That's what they're doing. I approve of it. We're not going to do anything about it. We all know what's going on…

I just started playing dominoes. Anyone like playing dominoes? Yeah, dominoes, I found it really exciting. It's like every time you put another piece down, you're like, oh, is it going to make a swastika? I just moved here to Texas, hooked up with my first Latina. That was pretty cool. Other than, like, I'm not really into Dirty Talk. I started going down on her, and she's like, see, car rico, puppy. I put my finger over her lips. I was like, shh, I don't like Dirty Talk. Speak English.

I just want to give you an introduction to myself. I'm mixed, black and white. I dropped out of school and all my math from drug dealing. And I'm actually the best of my whole family at math, right? Because I'm half black. The rest of my family I hang around is white. But for some reason, I always refer to me as three-fifths. Which I never understood because the fraction is actually one-half. But it's hard being mixed, you know, because people always get so nosy. I always have to ask the same question. Like, oh, which parent is mixed? Which parent is black? Which parent is white, you know? But I never tell him, I just kind of giv…

Ladies, who runs the world? Ladies, who runs the world? Y'all want to put some money on that? My uncle, he's been in the news a lot lately. You may have seen him. inherited this book? Everybody keeps asking me is Trump's name in this book. Guys, his name is not in this book. Oh, but that's weird. Brian, your name's in this book. Oh, fuck my gold. Uh, okay, everybody's stay calm, don't move. I gotta get that. Brian, your name's in this book. That's crazy. Tony, you're safe, though.

I don't know. Some of you guys might not know it. My name's Karen. I'm from Massachusetts. I was in the Boston Ballet for about 10 years. That's why I'm a racist anorexic. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I eat. I'm also an alcoholic. I have a very helpful tattoo. It says, don't serve me on my arm. It's okay. Bartenders can't read cursive. And so whenever I miss blacking out, I just sleep with an MMA guy. I see a cauliflower here. Flood. It's not. It's not good. People are so mean about MMA guys. They're like, they're so dumb. I'm like, no, their brains are just on the outside now. I'm just kidding. They're pretty dumb. I do this thing…

Dating is hard nowadays. I was sleeping with this one girl. I absolutely loved her. I would have done anything for her. But it turns out she had no heart beat. It annoys me when old people say, oh, you guys have it so easy nowadays. Like, yeah, y'all had to go to war or whatever, but we also had to deal with trauma. You know, I remember I was like, we had to deal with porn advertisements. I remember I was like 12 years old, and I looked up nude girl with breasts. And then all of a sudden an ad pops up for where, you know, there was, a midget that got gang banged by basketball people. You know, that, that shit scarred me. Oh, boy.…

What's going on, y'all? I've got a new girlfriend. She's kind of pushy in the bedroom. Like, she's very instructional. Like, God, every time I go down on my girl, I feel like I'm playing a fucked up game, a bop-it. Because I'm down there with my A game. I'm doing my best, and she's just giving me instructions, like, flick it, lick it. Kiss it, suck it, push it, pull it, lick it, suck it, suck it, suck it. Pop it. Also, can we be real? That's like an impossible game to beat. My high score is like three. Pass it to a friend. My girlfriend's got a landing strip. My girlfriend's got a landing strip. I call that shit the Gaza strip. I…

She's here, live in the flat, the one and one more time for Fiona Collie, everybody. Talked a lot about being married, but I used to be like a real big horror. Okay, and I don't feel bad about it. I think anyone in my situation would have done the same. Okay. You know, I was 18, I was single, diagnosed with this shit. I thought I was dying. You know? I wanted to roll into as much dick as possible. You know? And then you find out you're not really dying. And now you're like just a whore. And that is her truth to live with. But back in my day, I had a good amount of one-night stands, okay? But I'm a normal lady. Sometimes I wanted…

My dad was in and out on my life, but that was pretty normal in my neighborhood, y'all. It was so bad at my elementary school that if you had a dad, we would make fun of you. Oh, your dad took you to Disneyland. Ha, ha, you must be gay. Out there sucking on Disney dick. You know what was pretty gay? Being raised by a single mother. Every Saturday, I had to go shopping with her at Lange. Bryant. If you don't know what that is, that's a Vatory secret for big bitches. I love my mom, though, but she raised me super religious, like, so religious, like, to the point I used to feel shame about certain things when I was becoming a man. F…

I'm a big fan of Alex Jones. The thing about him is he says some things that are true, right? Because he's like a real controversial guy. He says some things that are true, though. For example, he said they're going to fly planes into the Twin Towers. That's not funny. It's just true. He said that of June of 2001. He did, right, right. Now, I'm not a college-educated individual, right? But I do know that June comes before September every fucking year. Like I said, I didn't go to college, I dropped out of high school. So I don't know if they're putting chemicals in the water that are turned the frickin' frogs gay. I don't know. I…

My name is uh Flash Goren I'm Bosnian and i don't know what that means either yeah i don't even know my own stereotypes which is kind of weird All I know is that other Europeans get very nervous when I'm around them. And you're welcome. That's all I have to say about that. If somebody came up to me and said, you know, all Bosnians are bad drivers, my response would be, you know, what else? I want to know. I'm going to get my Glock out and take some notes. Glock also means makes pens. Not everyone knows that. I'm not the best representative from Bosnians. I know that I forgot most of the language. And I'm a good driver. And also..…

Oh, my size microphone. It's a big deal for me. I get haircuts for this. I get a lot of different reactions on the haircut, though. Younger comic told me, Mealy, you look like you're in your 20s and 40s at the same time. Had a little girl run up to me, said, you look like Jason Mamoa, the wish.com version. Heckler told me, I looked like Jason Mamoa if he was Aquaman who only lived in a puddle. Your laughter indicates you think these are insults, but I took him as a compliment. Because prior to the Mamoa, I was getting Walmart Mark Wahlberg. I'm fairly certain as just Donnie Wahlberg. But I can never be Donnie. Not because of the…

When I first moved to Austin, I was working at his car wash called Surf Through Car Wash. And they hired me as a manager and then afterwards told me that tattoos are not except, like they can't be seen at the car wash. and that let me know these niggas aren't good with money because the more tattoos you have the more people trust you with their car you don't want a blank nigger telling you your rims are dirty you don't want a blank nigger looking at your transmission you want a felon with a throat tattoo being like your filter's dirty You're like, whatever you need, sir, just don't go back to jail. Tattoos lets you know a motherf…