Ari Matti

Just yesterday, you guys know that America raised its age limit to 42 for the draft. and prior marijuana convictions don't matter. Wow, what an army you're building. And so 40-year-old losers. You know, in Estonia, we don't have any limits. We have compulsory military service. We're too small to pick. Everyone goes. Wheelchair people, we send them. Oh yeah, we put a grenade in your lap and down syndrome people, we send them. Send them. Oh yeah, we have a whole squad. Estonian Special Forces. You think Special Forces means somebody rappels down and has night vision nights? It's Nicholas with a soft serve ice cream. We send them! We get them all together in a parking lot, we connect them with a rope. We look them in the eyes and we tell them, listen, they killed Santa Claus. Mentally challenged, even women. We send them. I know you guys don't do that. By the way, the only way I'm going to war is if I have a gay squad mate. I'm protecting that motherfucker more than the medic. He's the only one sucking dick back at the base, saving Dylan's life left behind. Thank you so much. That's my time

So there were ice raids happening this weekend in Austin. Holy shit. As an immigrant, of course. I am anti-ice. However, as soon as I get this green card, get these rapists out of my country. That's the sort of dude I am. Once I'm in, I pull the ladder up. I always thought I'm safe from ice because I'm white, but holy shit things have changed. They're shooting white women now. The most valuable commodity in America. God, I felt bad for that lady. But then I watched the whole video. It was about time a Karen got shot. You know what I'm saying? Too much this going on, you know? People feel bad for her. I asked all my black friends, they were like, oh, shot by law enforcement?

Do you guys know what a BBL is? Brazilian butt lift. I don't really want a girl with a BBL because the last thing I need is distance. Girl, you get a BBL, your pussy is in no danger. My dick is gonna be in the hallway, fucken... I might have a small dick, but you know what else I have? Great breakfast. That what matters when you're dating women in their 30s. The overall package. Wake up at my place, you get a goat-cheese omelette - tomatoes in the omelet. Not too hot, just squishy enough. When that omelet hits your mouth, you'll forget about the dick. Small dick men have nice apartments. Dude I have a fucken USB-C port in my couch. Candles and functuay. You ever go over to a big dick motherfucker's apartment? The bed frame is missing. There's a creepy roommate. Ice cube's taste like vegetables. The TV remote, the batteries are in but the back is missing. A big dick motherfucker will fuck you for 15 minutes, and then it's 23 hours of nothing. I'll fuck you for about 4 minutes, then we have a full day of activities. We go hiking, we play monopoly, I tell you about my dead mother. Russia and Ukraine conflict - I explain it. You're learning bitch. I have a helix sleep mattress. Body-temperature-regulating. Sure big dicks are great, you know what's better. REM sleep. You wake up at my place fresh, pussy no damage. You leave my place, there's no walk of shame. There's a stroll of employment. You go nail that interview baby. Small dick men are the hardest working people on this planet. Every guy who has a good ticket tonight has a tiny cock. I know a lot of comedians with huge hogs. None of them are here. Who's the biggest economic force in the world? China... Only a tiny dick motherfucker will work for Temu, make you a Shrek mask for 90 cents. Have you ever been to China, they are the future. AI is building roads. Their fucking alphabet, one symbol means 700 different things. Have you ever been to Africa... They don't even have asphalt. They got no WIFI, tiny huts, big dicks. You don't need ChatGPT when you've got a BBC.

So everyone's terrified of ai. It's coming. Like what do you do for work, sir? Pest control business. Pest control business. You have like six months left. See, the secret is you gotta get a job that even AI doesn't want to do. Like roofing dude under the Texas sun. Even AI's like, mm. Miguel. Miguel, get up there. It's too fucking hot. My batteries are overheating. This is fucking ridiculous. This is inhumane. I don't know about standup. I'm not sure. I think AI is too algorithmically to do standup too. Perfect. People don't relate to perfection. People relate to mistakes. AI ain't about that life. AI ain't gonna say the n word. AI ain't gonna show his dick to the comedy club. Waitresses. I will. AI standup is gonna be all algorithmically. You know, like almond milk. Hmm? How could they be milk? They don't Have nipples. Bullshit. Also, if AI is so smart, how come every time I try to log into a website and to make sure I'm not a robot, they asked me to identify three traffic lights in the picture. So you're telling me AI sees this puzzle? Fuck retreat. So it gets flustered by traffic lights. But what the fuck is a Waymo? That's my time. Thank you guys so much.

I love thinking always how American movies play in other markets. Like if you were in Japan and you went to see Oppenheimer Palmer, no Japanese people in that movie. Just a sexy scientist smoking cigarettes. Just should I just banging chicks at university. Just click back to banging. Or like, if you are in Korea and you went to see Marley and me the whole time, you watch that movie, you're like, how long is this meal gonna take? Sometimes they rename American movies to fit for the local market. Like Taken with Liam Neeson in Albania, it was called Normal Business Guy Does Honest Business until American Asshole intervenes Schindler's List in Germany. It was called Shy. So Close. But my favorite movies are Denzel Washington movies. He makes killing look so easy. He's just a lazy, fat old guy. You are at home eating chips. You're like, yeah, I got it like that. Every Denzel movie is him at a diner trying to finish a meal, but then a hooker gets in trouble. Every Denzel movie's, just him at a diner kill us. 26 people takes down a whole syndicate. It's a hot hooker though. You gotta save a hot hooker. Okay. This is an act out of Denzel Washington trying to finish a meal. But then the hooker who gets in trouble is a fat cow. Ain't nobody saving a fat cow. Thank you guys so much.

What's up? So I just found out that the tyranny is a slur. I didn't know that. I'm just shortening the word. I'm not trying to offend you. I'm trying to save time. Like if there's an active shura behind you, I'm not gonna be like, oh, they them. No. I'm gonna be like, Johnny, get down to. The gun and I've been to Thailand. Have you ever been sir? Man, they're good. They trick you. You can tell no matter how close you get. I mean, you can tell, but you can tell when it's too late. You can tell when you eat their pussy and it tastes like dick. But so what? Shit happened to me. So what? Fuck you. They got me. They got me. It is what it is. I'm a straight man. I take it on the chin. I move on. Like if you fuck a tranny and you have to go through an existential fucking crisis, you gay. If I go to bed with a lady and I wake up, it's a dude. You know what I do? I give you a fist bump and I say, Touche, she, Gigi, you got me. That's how straight I am. I can fuck a dude and feel nothing. Dude, the mind is more powerful than the body. Thank you so much. Thank you.