Kill Tony #766

All y'all are doing? Life been going good. I've been on the road and shit, you know. But most of my homeboys my age, all them boys been going through like a midlife crisis. My homeboy Johnny called me the other day and he was like, hey Dave, I'm about to start streaming. I said streaming. Man, I hung the phone up. Nobody want to see no old nigger Twitch. 5.30 a.m. chat, taking my blood pressure medicine. So I'm going to pass out at work again. There's only one type of people I want to see stream. And that's crackheads. I pay top dollar to watch a crackhead stream. 3.30 a.m. my knife dicker today. They're gonna'erick is the word.…

I've also been known to look like a chicken that just got done picking the ground. Here's what it is, man. No, guys, really. I just wanted to cut. come out here and acknowledge the fact that I am the unwanted love child of Uncle Laser and Ellen DeGeneres. Just the ultimate gay, baby. It's been years. They refused to contact me. So I actually moved down here from Utah to get in touch. But I kind of got distracted, guys. A lot of just amazing Latino women here. To all my Latino women, I am like a baboon under the sheets. Brutal hemorrhoids, guys. It's, it's... Have you guys ever seen the ring? Specifically the scene where the ghost…

Hey, I am in. an interracial marriage, and so I'm the only black person in my husband's family. And because of that, they always have noyan-ass questions for me. One time my sister-in-law was like, hey, Candace, can you please talk to the kids about Juneteenth? And that shit pissed me to fuck off. Because then I had to go look up with Juneteenth was. I had absolutely no idea. I snuck in the bathroom and searched that shit on Google. I was like, oh, this is why I was off work on Monday? Oh, okay. Since they always got questions for me, I decided to start making shit up, just giving us superpowers. They asked me a dumb question. I…

He everybody, crushing it. All right, no gratitude here, no problem. That's the problem with people today. There's no fucking gratitude anywhere. I saw a guy with a forehead of hair say he had a bad hair day. I was like, bitch. I look like I drive a Honda C.R.V. as a stepdad. That's what people are missing, man. And one of the things that I was gratefully blessed with was my dad had a heart transplant. So every day he woke up was a grateful day, right? And I got this tattoo in remembrance of him. And it says all this extra time, that was my dad's mom. I had a Cuban guy tattoo it and I was like, Mira, Emanuel, I don't want to see…

I'm from the Midwest. My family's old-fashioned is what you say when your family's still racist. And all my friends are starting families of their own. And one of my friends, his kid has Asperger's, ADHD and autism. I can never remember a little fucker's name, so I just call him AAA. I used to work at a prison for like three years, and you meet a lot of interesting people when you work at a prison, employees as well. We worked with this one guy who would eat his own hair, and if you can believe it, he didn't crush it with the women. There was reason for that. He was into child porn. Yeah, he got busted at his house with a compute…

My son just came out as trans. Well, shouldn't call him my son anymore. Now that he's dead to me, uh, they got him on puberty blockers, or his pedophiles call him preservatives fucking medical medicine. The other day of my job, I was explaining puberty blockers to one of the midgets. I work in a circus and goes, there's people. There's a thing to do this. I'm down, Tyrion, you bigot. You there, sir, let me ask you. What do you call a little person with ADHD? That's right, a fidget. Speaking of little people, I want to switch topics to school shootings. The ultimate puberty blocker. And, you know, these shootings are often done by…

Thank you. I've been doing a lot of drugs and dwelling on my traumas. And mushrooms showed me that my biggest trauma was learning that Santa Claus was not real. But here's the thing when you think about Santa when you're on mushrooms, you realize they've been talking about Santa for thousands of years. And they're going to keep talking about Santa for thousands of years. Yet I'm only going to live for like 80 years. So in a way, isn't Santa more real than me? So here's my question. If Santa is not real and I'm less real than Santa, then why did it feel real when he molested me at the mall? Our trauma has ground us in the physical…

What's up, dogs? Chill. I was watching Forrest Gump the other day. Where my Gump is it? I don't know. I just had this thought when I was watching the movie. You know the plot of the movie? It's like a guy who goes through history. He's like slow. He doesn't know what's going on. I thought it would be really funny if Forrest Gump was involved a bunch of really racist shit and had no idea. You know? it's like, I went to the woods with my new friends. All the sudden, we was dressed as ghosts. They started burning a big tea, and I left because I got hot. It's fucking Vietnam. Lieutenant Dan is just like waterboarding Vietnamese villa…

It's your boy the pipe layer, the motherfucking throat slayer. It's the immaculate pimp, no drones, man. And I'm here to fuck. But not just anybody in particular. I got a thing in particular for disgusting bitches. Yeah. The nasty of the better. Like a bitch, if you go to the gym, I don't want it. But if you could be on my 600-pound life, now that's my kind of bitch. And you know why I do? They give you money, man, that's why. I'm also known as Deuce Bigelow, the American Negro Jigolo. I'll be charging $250 a pump. Got lifting big ass legs up and shit. I'm trying to get swole. But see, when you like these disgusting things, somet…

I don't know why, like, women get all upset when you ask them to make them a sandwich. It's not that hard. It's not like we're asking ladies to smoke as a brisket. Takes time and patience, qualities of which no women possesses. So, black people can't get lice, just so you know. Like, 97% of the cases are like white people, which makes sense if you think about it, because if I was a parasite, I wouldn't have to feed off an inferior blood either. I'd only want the best and the purest blood for my family. My name is Paul Mendoza. I am from Napa, California. It's a very beautiful place filled with beautiful people. Very low crime. A…

What's up, you filthy fucking animals? It's 2026, guys, okay? If you're making good financial decisions in 2026, Man, you a bitch, okay? All right, listen, let me tell y'all something. Money's digital, and life is perspective. If I pull my bank account up right now and I cover up that little hyphen, man, I'm rich as fuck. I ain't shit you can tell me. Yeah, I'm broke. And I'm not broke because I go to the strip club. But I do go to the strip club even though I'm broke, you know? You know, when I go to the strip club, I go with a smooth $40, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's $20 to get in. So when I go to the strip club, I got $20. And a…

I am a banker. I'm from a small town in Mississippi, and I was raised by a single mother, so if you don't laugh at this set, I'm used to disappointment. Being a banker, you see a lot. Nothing's quite as humbling as denying somebody for a loan, and they pull off from the truck that's nicer than yours. Yeah. Yeah. Being from a small town, it's kind of funny in mind. industry, your credit score and your grandma's reputation are pretty much the same thing. Like, sir, you filed bankruptcy last year, but your nana made a mean apple pie, so let's see what we can do. Yeah. I'm also married. I got married last year. Thank you. Thank you.…

You know, women are going to tell you that other women, Women only want you if you have a girlfriend because women won't something they can't have. And I'm here to tell y'all that's not what's happening. We just look better than single men because we're using your health care products in and out the shower. Like single dudes look and smell like what happens after years and kicking ice cubes underneath the refrigerator. And then the radiation from the refrigerator melts the ice cubes, makes a certain mold, it makes a human body, and it's like, hey, ma'am, you should smile more. Because when I moved here to Texas, I only moved with…