Kill Tony #728

My dad's been really struggling with trans pronouns, but he finally got it right, dude. He said, I hate them. I was like, Fuck yeah, dad. Good job. I like trans people, dude. I get it. I want a new dick too, man. I, I hate my dick, dude. I went to a drag show for the first time. Oh my God. It was amazing, dude. I saw a lady put her foot in her butt hole. I didn't even know that was an option. You could do that. That's real. I came up with a great name for a Jewish drag queen. Would you like to hear it? Yeah. Ouch. Tits. Thank you guys so much.

Oh, yo. I recently realized I'm ready to be a dad 'cause I got this girl pregnant. But this was two years ago right after Roe v. Wade got overturned. And she was like, I'm pregnant. And I was like, well, we only got one choice, I guess. And I say, it's the first time I like realized I was ready to be a dad. 'cause most of my ex-girlfriends have been Mexican girls. So I've had this conversation before, you know? But this was the first time I was like, you know what? I got a good job. I got benefits. I ain't really know what those benefits were. But this old dude at work kept telling me, Hey, the benefits are good here. I was like,…

Hell yeah dude. All right, so real quick, I just want to address this shit going on. 'cause whenever I do standup, most people are wondering why I look like my mom after she burnt dinner. Yeah, it's a, it's just a birthmark. My mom's fine. My dad would never hit my mom in the face. Okay. Only, only in the stomach when she was pregnant with me. That's how it happened. Yeah. But when people find out it's a birth mark, they usually hit me with something like, pardon me, Zuko. What was it like growing up? Part soccer ball and you know, obviously I got bullied and shit quite a bit. But dude, my childhood was actually way harder for my…

What's going on guys? My name is AJ. I know that confuses some of you because my face says Trump supporter, but the name says Ice Detention Center. What an awkward ice raid. That's gotta be. They knock on my door, they open it up and I'm like, Hey, what's going on man? Like sir, he's white and like I still get arrested. Not because I'm Mexican because they found the mushrooms in my coffee table. You know what I mean? Honestly, like the only way a guy like me gets any work nowadays is, is if I like stand outside of The Home Depot and pray to God somebody needs a halfpipe built. You know, I don't just do halfpipes, I do stairs too,…

Hello? Hello. I just got back from France. Oh yeah, they let me over there. No, it was pretty funny. I got there and I had to Uber from the airport at the hotel and my fiance was with me and our Uber driver was like this really hot French man. Okay. And I thought he was hitting on me and I was really excited to turn down this French guy in front of my fiance. I kind of need that emotionally. And then he goes, I just really love your voice, which as you all can imagine, isn't really a compliment. I get off it. Yeah, no. And then he goes, yeah, I'm learning English. You...talk so slow. It's so helpful. And like y'all, I am already…

While I'm 60 years of age in my high school belt still fits around my neck. I try to stay in shape just like the teenage girl next door. She, she's one of those teenage girls who likes to go jogging at 5:00 AM in the morning. Well, 5 22 this morning. Whenever she goes jogging, I like to drive slowly behind her with my headlights off. You know, just to make sure she's safe, eh? Well, you have to. There's some fucking weirdos out there in the morning. I've been reading this Diana book and I find it difficult to comprehend. It's been over 30 years, well, almost 30 years since the world tragically lost what I believe anyway, to be th…

Oh yeah dude, it's a new year. It's a new me. That's what I've been telling myself this year. I've been working on my New Year's resolution, which is to quit smoking cigarettes this year. I came up with a new technique. It's where I like to picture the cigarette. Something I would never put in my mouth. So if you were to guess a big black cock, you'd be correct. Now I don't know why it has to be big or black. Just seems scarier. And I know I got some support of friends 'cause they never get mad at me. When I get down on my knees, I say, Hey man, you got a lighter. But boy did they get pissed when I take off my hat and say, Hey, w…

So I recently bought a used dog from the animal shelter and she was a bit harder to take care of than I thought she would be. So I needed help. So I went and got a used girlfriend from the woman's shelter. I could never turn down a rescue. And earlier this morning we were getting ready to go to work and she kept complaining that she had a muffin top. And I was like, nah, you look fine. Cupcake. So my friend Marcela just opened up the world's first gay ice cream parlor. She calls it Marty Cones. Thank you.

Yeah. A plane in India just recently crashed heading to England and 176 Indians died. And since that plane crash, scam calls have been down 50%. Apple has no more tech support. It's crazy. You gonna call Apple and talk to a nigga that sound like me? You know what I'm saying? Can you help me with my phone? Have you turned that motherfucker off yet? Bitch, turn it off and turn it back on. I can only imagine what that plane smelled like. God damn bro. If I would've been driving that plane, I probably would've crashed into, oh no, when it crashed it probably smelled like somebody was barbecuing a goat. It was. They were like, who is…

Okay, let's do this. Is it just me or you guys also feel like Hollywood makes slavery movies once every year just to whipper each black dude for 15 minutes? Nope, just me. Okay. I mean I know it's acting but come on. 15 minutes like please stop that. We all get it. Whips to the back are painful and I found out whips to the back are painful in my fifth grade. Actually relax. Nothing happened to me. Wouldn't it be funny if I just came up here and went My dad beat the shit outta me and I can't watch slavery movies anymore? Nope. I watched Passion of the Christ and we've all seen some kind of reenactment or play where Jesus is gettin…

Austin, Texas. How's it going? Give it up for the Supreme leader. Aya Khomeni. Y'all. How many of y'all are on dates here tonight? Because like war was declared for a second that, oh look, I'm scared to go to War Pussy. You know, like how many here men are dogs? Am I right? Men are like dogs. White women, fuck them. Occasionally they took down the, they took down the billboard outside my place of the kid who OD'ed on fentanyl. I guess he got better. Like give it up for that guy. Give it up for the sleepy time. T Bear that motherfucker's been sleeping on the job for 40 fucking years. Has anyone checked him? It might be like the de…

Hello. KILL TONY Universe. It's great to be back. You know, they told me that my comedy would take a huge step forward if I told jokes that my audience here in Austin found more relatable. So I no longer trust black people. Why are their pants so low? And I No relax folks. It's only jokes. It's only jokes. And that joke is funny. D Madness because I too am a black man. Didn't want to leave him in the dark on that one. No, no, no. Okay. I don't think everyone here in Austin is racist. But it's hard not to feel that way when you've seen the things I've seen Someone called me the n word in traffic. Yeah, I cut him off, but it was, h…

Yoyo. You know how they're like diversifying all the movie franchises now they're making like a gay James Bond. He's gotta suck so much Dick to get those passwords they're doing Taken, you know, taken with Liam Neeson. They're doing one with a black dad. The phone just keeps ringing. Sorry baby had to make a stop. Feminists are upset. They're trying to cancel the new cat one movie that's coming out because the new Catwoman is Zoe Kravitz a banging bitch. And the feminist are saying, why does Catwoman always have to be some supermodel? Why couldn't Catwoman be like a plus size model? She needs to climb. You ever see a fat cat bitc…

Hello everyone. Oh, so I have this gay friend and he's gotten into some pretty wild butt stuff lately. So now whenever he farts it just goes. Tony has the same thing, you know I'm talking about, right, Tony? Yeah, he's probably over there gaying right now. Yeah. My friend's name is David, but I call him Anal Cave Dave. I think that's appropriate. And then he recently told me that he's started getting into feet. He likes sucking on toes. And I was like, oh man, if somebody was like sucking on my toe, the only thing I could think about is when I go get a pedicure, the fucking cheese grater they bring out to grate the Parmesan off o…

If an alien spaceship crashed right in front of me, I'd probably assume I was about to encounter a female alien. I found out recently, Michael Jackson had my favorite amusement ride the zipper at his Neverland ranch. You know how awesome it would've been to go there as a kid? Ever been in a situation where you wanted to smoke weed, but it wasn't four 20, it's like 10:45 AM Well, here's a quick stoner hack. Go to your oven set to 420 degrees. Doesn't matter if you don't have anything to cook. And then when you're done smoking, you're like, I want to keep smoking. No problem. Keep your oven at four 20. Saddest thing was standing in…