KTM

Reddbbaaaaan. This summer at Bash at the Beach me and Mean Gene Oakerland are gonna tag team... your mmmooooom! I love how the Undertaker's manager was named paul bearer, if I were a wrestler, my manager's named would be Robin... William Blind. Okay let's keep moving... Fuckkkk. Remember when Redban's mom used to wrestle, I think her name was Yoko Zuna. No but seriously if I were a professional wrestler my manager's named would be Willy... Willy bad at booking me at any decent comedy clubs. If I were a wrestler my finishing move would be putting jet fuel in my mouth and spitting out flames, but then Alex Jones said jet fuel can't…

Hey. I don't give a fuck if you get off on my set or not tonight, 'cause all of you and you make sure I get off later tonight and the rest of my life. God made this pussy on the eight day. That's right, he said, "World this is good but you need to be wetter.". That's right, my pussy is so divine, when God commissioned the sixteenth chapel, he was reaching out to finger my pussy. That's right. But the Catholic church said nooooo. But who do they come to for holy water ? Me. Rellllax. I've blessed this whole stadium. That's right. Another reason I know my pussy is so divine is - oh why ? Because it can turn water into wine. And you…

Did you meet Red Dawn? I mean forget about Kane it's the Undertaker, how awesome is that right? I'm supposed to do like 60 seconds of stand up, so guys hang with my alright. You know I lost my mind after I got out of wrestling and went into politics, and as someone who has done both now I can tell you that politics is just like wrestling, it's just not nearly as entertaining. In wrestling we got great heels like Rowdy Roddy Piper and Rick Flair... Randy Orton. In politics we've got Dr Anthony Fauci. And here's the thing, I'm not even talking about the Covid stuff okay. This dude funded experiments in which Beagles were tortured t…

I'm Irish and Filipino - which is why I kinda look like I'm on the spectrum. I have what my doctor calls resting special ed face. It's my dad that's Filipino and we don't look much alike, like he used to pick me up from school when I was a kid. My teachers would be like,

You know people are gonna tell you that women want you more when you have like a girlfriend or a wife, becayse they want what they can't have. But I'm here to tell y'all it's just becayse we look better... because we're better kept. have y'all seen single dudes ? Single dudes look and smell like what happens after kicking ice cubes under the refrigerator. And then the radiation melt the ice and then the mold come in and then it form a body and crawl and is like,

Hey, you bitches, y'all ready to party? Hey, but listen, there's two things you don't do at a party, okay? You don't talk about God, you don't talk about politics. So let's talk about the Jews. Listen, now listen, I need you to know I'm from a small town, okay? Where I'm from, we burn trash for fun. We fuck our relatives because it's cost effective. I don't know shit about no Jew. I never seen no Jew. Where I'm from, there's no Jews. Jews. Where I'm originally from, we used to put them in summer camps. I went to New York and they got a different type of Jew— acidic, orange juice Jews. Hey, look, man, I'm a fucking retard, okay?…

Thanks for bringing me back Tony. Huh, Kill Tony. I could think of ways to kill Tony in 60 seconds. I would just sit on his face and call that finisher, rest in yeast. But you know what, I would feel really comfortable here. It's just WWE. Lot of trauma, lot of daddy issues in WWE. There's a lot of job security in our HR department. It's just like a Kill Tony guest with the job security of being disabled. But hey, listen, as a woman who's disability is having massive amounts of testosterone, I... sorry Tony. My 60 seconds. Listen Tony, being backstage looking at the men who are oiled is kinda creepy, I just wanna let you know. Yo…

Can't transcribe the song, just go listen to it

My names Chris Waldeck. I'm 34 years old and I'm autistic. I appreciate the applause but don't clap too loud, you see I'm a little but different, I'm what called the lower end of the spectrum, because I thought I wasn't autistic til I was 28 years old. And y'all are chuckling because you all figured it out as soon I walked on the stage. That's how I know I'm on the lower-end of the spectrum. In fact I'm so on the spectrum if y'all had clapped any louder for me being autistic I would have had to start counting. You know what age most kids find out they are autistic? Two. And I didn't find out until 28. You know, what the fuck my p…

I'm nervous I'm real nervous though. I didn't know it was gonna be like this. I only got a minute dudes, so sit down. I wanted Tony to do my entrance earlier man, but they said he wasn't allowed within 50 metres of the kids. I'm gonna call it before y'all go heel on your boy.

Hey, abolish ice. Whose idea was that? The Heat Miser? Okay, so cool. Taker, don't get any ideas. I, uh, so cool. Swanton Bomb. I don't give a fuck. Cut the lights out. I'm going a cappella. I got to get out of here. I'm supposed to go to the Sphere and watch Cannibal Holocaust. There's nothing more dangerous than a man with nothing to lose. So cool. Y'all serve napalm here? I am so sick to think about, especially around the holidays. Come on, no one can go up any higher. I broke your special mic. Give me 10 less minutes. A lot of people say they can't fall asleep without ambient noise. Not me. I can only fall asleep if I listen…

I cannot even begin to try and transcribe this shit, just go watch it.