Kill Tony #784

I was raised in a toxic era back when Democrats hated blacks and gays. Homophobic ran rampant. I said that the other day had a show and some gay dude got scared. I was like, bro, I'm the one with the phobia. You don't know how words work? It's like, gee, I'm worried about my butthole. But like, nah, when you like a dude, right, and you in love, you do some gay shit, you get me? You feel with me? Like, when you like a girl, you be talking to, you start laying on your belly kicking your feet like this. Gay shit, you get me? But, like, when you really, really love her, do some real gay shit, like, she suck your dick and you kiss her…

What's up, Austin? Doing okay? You look lovely. Free my homies out of Penn State. They didn't do a damn thing wrong. But I will say, I've been in Austin, give or take two years, and it's crazy as I watched turtle racing the other day with a girl that I met on a hinge. I would later find out this is a true story that she was a bookie, and I lost $292 on turtle races. I had no anticipation on telling that joke. It's not really a joke. It's just a story. But I guess if I had to say, you know, one thing is I'm so grateful for all of you, and especially you kill Tony. Thank you so much for everything that you do. and the platform in w…

Hey, how are you guys doing it? How are you feeling good? Yeah, I'm feeling great. You want to know why? Because I had sex. Thank you, thank you. Not like recently or anything, just before, you know? Any guys ever have sex before, anybody? It's weird, isn't it? Right? It's weird. Like, people call it making love. But turns out, you don't actually have to love someone to have sex with them. You can just lie and it still works. I found that out the first time I ever had sex, you know? I was with this girl and I really loved her. But I could tell that she didn't feel the same about me by the noises that she was making during sex, yo…

I'm originally from a small town, and I didn't have a very good transition into big city living. Literally in the first year that I lived in a city, my roommate and I were robbed at gunpoint. in our apartment. Yeah. It was pretty scary. The guy followed my roommate inside when she got home from work. That's how he got in the place. And when the cops came later, they checked out the apartment complex, the situation. They said, based on the layout, he must have been staking us out for a while to know when to follow her at the right moment, right? That was really traumatizing for me to hear personally because I had just gotten home…

So a little about me. I was child trafficked out of Russia at age six. True story. Parents use the term adopted, so it's a tomato-tomato kind of situation going on there. One of the main questions I get asked when people find out I'm from Russia or adopted from Russia is, do you want to go back? Go back. Do I look like I want to be generationally poor and drunk? And don't get me wrong, I'm poor here, but I'm American poor. American poor is the equivalent of, Olga, hide my yacht before it gets seeded. over there. Being poor sucks no matter where you're at. Have you ever been so poor you hit under the kitchen sink when the landlord…

Guys, I wrote this down after a traumatic incident where, like, me and my girlfriend got into a fight in front of our friends. What you know about? Don't even try to cuddle me after Uno. I can't get comfy with a reverse draw four-ass ob. Since you want to skip so much, how about skip that on these cuddles, nigga? You know what I'm saying? That's what I wrote. Would you know about having to get into a bar fight with a Botox salesman because she won't stop trying to sell your white girlfriend, Botox? And Botox salesmen remind you of crackheads trying to sell crack. Because you kind of like, nigger, look what it did to you. Like, I…

My name is Charles K. Sestock, the fourth, and I am a milf. A mathematically inclined-looking fellow. I'm an electrical engineer, which means I'm doing the devil's work, according to the Amish. I like age-appropriate humor. I have a urology joke, but I can hold it. I'm old school. Cash is king. Because you can't have a hit country song if you're named Johnny Bitcoin. Clearly, I overdid the academic side of life. I earned a PhD in electrical engineering, a bachelor's, in physics, and a master's in virginity. But hey, I just got some pussy. Too bad it came from Red Band.

Oh, my God. So is there any straight people in here, or is everybody gay? I'm raising my hand because I'm straight. Too late, you're gay. You had to think about it. He had to think about it, right? Yeah, to think about it. You take the G out of gayness. All you have left is anus. Ew. Oh, my God. To you young ladies over here, I'm only 27 emotionally, okay? I'm an on-me-sexual. That means I'm having sex with whoever's on me, all right? And don't get excited, boys, but I'm also a bisexual. That's because I'm having sex, and then I'm like, bye. I'm not culling with you, okay? Oh, my goodness.

Hello. I just got a haircut. And I don't really like getting a haircut, you know, because I was sitting in the chair getting done, you know. And he's with the machine. He's doing some, you know, he's doing the line where the hair in the neck stops. And then he's taking the machine. and he's doing some neck here, which, you know, is completely normal. You know, and then with the machine, he's just going further and further down. You know, it's almost like it was a bit insulting, you know, because I didn't know I had here that back there, you know. And I only went there to cut myself up here, you know. I wasn't like, why don't you…

I'm from Venezuela, don't shoot. I got here before the whole thing. My family used to be rich in Venezuela. We spent all our money on kidnapping ransoms. They gift them back, you know, for the right price. Like, here they're like, eat the rich in Venezuela. They're like, let's just borrow them. No, it was hard when I started dating in America because guys, they always wanted me to speak dirty to them in Spanish, and I had never had sex in Spanish before. So I just, like, name things around their room. Like, La Puerta. Los Apato. You can't say comestaso, they know that one. They also cheat a lot here. Yeah, last time I got cheated…

What's up, guys? How you doing? I went on a date with the girl recently. We were boozing it up. We were drinking. And after you. the day we're walking to her car, she goes, hey, when we get to my car, don't judge me. I was like, what the fuck does that mean? It's a weird thing to tell somebody after a first date, you know? Like, what, do you have a dick or something? And I'm a progressive guy. I tug on it. It's not gay if there's tities. Bit of a loophole I found. So we get to her car, and she pulls out a breathalizer to start the car. And I was like, shit, lady, I've had three of those. That's nothing to be embarrassed. about. A…

Recently started taking Krav Maga, which, if you don't know, is an Israeli self-defense in combat system. Pretty intense stuff. First class, we learned how to blow up a hospital. Got to get this. them before they get you, you know. There's a new Black Panther. Could have fooled me. And I don't know who's going to tell the Black Panther this. But every panther is a Black Panther. That's what makes them Panthers, you know? Like, the movie wasn't called 12 years a black slave. Call the NWA the Black Nick. All right, well, you get my point. If they weren't black, they'd be leopards or dragoers, you know, civilized cats. Okay.