Ian Sharp

Hey, how are you guys doing it? How are you feeling good? Yeah, I'm feeling great. You want to know why? Because I had sex. Thank you, thank you. Not like recently or anything, just before, you know? Any guys ever have sex before, anybody? It's weird, isn't it? Right? It's weird. Like, people call it making love. But turns out, you don't actually have to love someone to have sex with them. You can just lie and it still works. I found that out the first time I ever had sex, you know? I was with this girl and I really loved her. But I could tell that she didn't feel the same about me by the noises that she was making during sex, you know? Like, I was making the normal sex noise. I was like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Gosh darn it, yeah. You know? Things ladies like to hear. Her noises were different, though. They were more like, oh, hey. Hope you don't take this the wrong way. I just want to be friends after this. Fell, has you ever been friends owned inside of someone before? All right, thank you.

Wow. Thank you guys so much. Thank you for having me here. Thank you for welcoming me into this. On this stage of this free speech zone where I could say whatever I want with no repercussions whatsoever. Not like out in old free speech zone. You guys know what I'm talking about, right? Can you believe there's things I can't say today in America? For example, Arnold, PA, Arnold Pa, fuck Arnold, PA Arnold. You know that drink? It's like half sweet tea, half lemonade, Arnold Pa. Fuck. I can't say it. Wish they'd change it. You know, to something I can say like, I don't know, like retard water. You know, I can say that anytime I want retard, it just rolls right off the tongue. You know, some people get mad at that joke, right? They say it's like it's punching down. They say, but if you pay attention, it's not about anybody. Right? Like, I'm not calling anybody that. I'm not anti retard. I'm pro-choice Shit. Was that a minute? Was that not a minute? Jesus,

Hey, thank you guys. So the other day, I was walking around town, and believe it or not, I saw a real-life Nazi just standing there, broad daylight, full uniform, table full of propaganda. So I knew what I had to do. I said, not in my town. So I walked right up to that Nazi, punched her right in the face, beat the shit out of her. Don't worry, punched her right in the face. Beat the shit out of her. Don't worry, I wasn't any danger. She was way smaller than me. Like suspiciously small, you know? She was about five, six years old. But listen, if you're old enough to wear that uniform in public, you know, the infamous Nazi uniform with the green skirt and the beret and the sash covered in war medals. If you're old enough to wear that, you're old enough to get punched in the face by a grown man and get all of your cookies stolen. All right, now listen, folks. I'm no hero, all right?