Kill Tony #707

What's going on? I have big hands. People say they're piano hands, but I don't know how to play the piano, but my hand jobs are ridiculous. They say I only play in forte. You know, you should see the double crescendo. You know? Okay. I had a card, and at the card store, it was in the sympathy section right next to that. Well, it said, Sympathy dash Jewish. I was like, oh, that's weird. So now, in a special way, you can tell your friends, I'm sorry you're Jewish. It's a lot, you know? So it's, I grew up with cats, and I like that cats use the litter box. It's cool. It's like, hey, not only do you have to clean up my shit, but you…

Yeah, go birds. We got him, baby. We got him with the tush push. It's my favorite move. What's up? Hey, what's good? Yeah, go, birds! We got him, baby! We got him with the tush-push. Ha-ha. It's my favorite move. What's up? Hey, what's good? I'm black and I'm gay. I know what you're thinking, man. Pick a struggle already, bro. Black or gay, come on. You're hogging the body of pressure for everybody. But imagine being me, right? Half the country's racist, half the country's homophobic. And here I am, right in the middle, taking it from both sides. And I'm taking it good, too. I'm like the Gayza Strip. My ass is being bombarded so…

Hi everyone. Did everyone watch the Super Bowl? Yeah? It's like the Christmas of sports, right? I think it is. Actually, we don't celebrate football at my house. Here's a joke that I wrote about my experience dating an NFL player. How can you tell the difference in between a girl that just fucks an NFL player versus a girl that actually dates an NFL player? It's where her bruises are located. Yeah. Like, fun places are like, you know... That's how you know he loves you, right? Every time I hear a guy say that dating is hard, I'm like, trust me, it could be harder. Try wearing a turtleneck in July. Very difficult. Okay, no, I have…

So in addition to struggling to be a stand-up comic, I'm also a hack party DJ. But that's a lot easier than doing this, because being a DJ, all I'm really concerned about is touching buttons and looking concerned, holding my ear and pointing... Maybe to somebody in the audience you would hope were connecting with you. That's a lot more difficult to do as a stand-up comic, obviously. So in addition to being a DJ, I also volunteer for the Unsheltered, and that's where I get most of the funny stories that I talk about, like the guy who stole my entire bag from me, who I had to track down on the street and explained to me that unfort…

My mom's Muslim, but she still likes to have a good time with me. So sometimes we'll go out for mocktails and she'll always order for us. She'll be like, hey waiter, two virgin mojitos, please. And I always have to secretly find him and be like, hey, dude, leave the cum in my drink. Please. Please. And she hates that. She thinks I'm a slut. She thinks I'm a slut because I don't carry pepper spray. She thinks I'm making it too easy or something. But I have a cousin. She's intersex. She was born with a penis inside her vagina. Now that's a fucking slut.

Just found out I have fucking peasant eyes. Yeah, so I just moved here from Alaska. Yeah, what the fuck is right, dude? I never understood why people would have sex with animals. And then I moved 99 miles away from the closest hinge profile. Can't be checking out this salmon like, oh. So you're a Pisces, huh? Wait, you got how many kids? You got some... Kind of smell like my ex-girlfriend. Yeah, but I love my ex. I love my ex because we had chemistry, you know? We knew what we liked. We loved rough sex. So I agreed when we're in the bedroom that our safe word is the N-word. No, because I won't even say that shit behind closed doo…

Hey, my name's Matt. You guys ever met a Mexican Jewish person before? Yeah, I got a cousin, dude. He's Mexican and Jewish. His name's Kike. Spelled kike for some people. I don't know why. I love Keeks, man. Like, he's so Mexican, he works for construction, but so Jewish, he only accepts payment, like, bonds and shit. He's a genius, man. He's an entrepreneur. He did all this while managing a coffee shop called Hebrews. like bonds and shit. He's a genius man. He's an entrepreneur. He did all this while managing a coffee shop called He Brews. But he sold Mexican and Jewish, dude. He built tunnels for both sides. Imagine a narco wit…

You guys watch porn? Yes? Good, good, good. I mean, I'm not watching so much porn that, like, I'm commenting on the videos. Yeah. But I'm reading the comments. That's kind of where I'm at. You know what the one thing I do like about porn? Nobody, and I mean nobody, is ever like, the book is better. I do like that about porn. Nobody's like, Ass Blasters 3 was better in the magazine, right? Like, that's... I like doing a lot of porn jokes, mainly because I'm a millennial. You know what I'm saying? Like, we're not... we're not sensitive about sex, but we're sensitive about other things, right? Like, if you want to describe millennia…

I started dating this new girl. I'll be honest with everyone here, I really like her. She's just into things that I have no experience in, like role play. She keeps trying to get me to wear these magnums. I'm a terrible communicator. I don't know how to let her know, like, that's not how that works. No matter how dark this face paint is. Chill out. You guys are going to feel much better when I tell you I ran that joke by that black gentleman right there. He told me he hated it. So, it's much better than my last relationship. My last girlfriend, she broke up with me after we found out the apartment was haunted. I'll admit, it's sc…

Hi, everybody. So, I was grocery shopping the other day and my unemployed friend wanted to come along, as they do, and he just is one of those political types that can't stop talking about how bad Trump is. But I let him go on, tell the whole spiel, and his big thing was he was against borders he said borders don't work borders don't work I was like all right you do you but we get to the checkout line and on that little conveyor belt he puts that little divider so I'm just a little confused do borders work or do borders not work it really didn't look good because I was buying for taco night. Do you think an autistic girl has ever…

Am I the only one that always gets jump scared by Valentine's Day? It's the same day every year, guys. It's a day to just be sad as fuck, you know? Think about all the past trauma from your last relationships. Valentine's Day is like my day of Holocaust Remembrance Day because every relationship I've been in has just been completely over-exaggerated, if not just made up. Joking around, guys, I'm not Elon Musk for just having some laughs, having some drinks. At least I see you guys drinking here. I actually went sober. That was my New Year's resolution to go sober. It's a good thing, right? Yeah, it's a good thing. No, no, that sh…

How you doing? Welcome, welcome. So I've been going to the gym lately, dropped 40 pounds already. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Got addicted to Zumba all the time. Going in there, first time ever in there, they looked at me like, this gringo is going to be out after three songs. But I'm there, I just want a taste, just want a little bit of taste of that. You just can't stop with that. So going to buy the third song, oh I feel like I might have a heart attack. I don't know if I'm having a heart attack or not. I'm going into Zuma, going, going, going. But then the fourth song, way to the fourth song, because if you do make it pa…

Hey, thank you guys. So the other day, I was walking around town, and believe it or not, I saw a real-life Nazi just standing there, broad daylight, full uniform, table full of propaganda. So I knew what I had to do. I said, not in my town. So I walked right up to that Nazi, punched her right in the face, beat the shit out of her. Don't worry, punched her right in the face. Beat the shit out of her. Don't worry, I wasn't any danger. She was way smaller than me. Like suspiciously small, you know? She was about five, six years old. But listen, if you're old enough to wear that uniform in public, you know, the infamous Nazi uniform…

My dad is my best friend. Even though he talks shit about me on Reddit. And he's a kooky guy. I was scrolling through Facebook. I got a group recommend that said sexy superheroes. And my dad was a member. So I checked on it, just to see what type of diddy freak off shit he's into. That's when I realized, my dad is a Batman cosplayer. Imagine this, he is a six foot six 450 pound black man in a Batman costume in a wheelchair that he calls the Batmobile because he can't walk. He goes, I'm Batman. I love solving crime, unless there's stairs. Like why can't you be trans, dad? It was awkward. I walked into my parents' house, aka the Ba…

Hey everybody, my name is Matt. I've always struggled with my masculinity. I think it's because I like bubble baths, which is really confusing because now ice baths are cool. It's like, what, are you getting a tub of ice? You're manly and you're stoic but you had some soap and you're a pussy. I don't know how to treat people man. I saw this homeless guy the other day and he asked me for money. I opened my wallet I only two dollars, so I told him no. Then the next day I came back and he was dead. And when something like that happens, it really like, fucks with you, but it teaches you to appreciate things in life. Like I am so grat…

Whoo! Howdy, y'all. Howdy. It's crazy, inbreeding used to be cool, right? You had to be rich and famous to fuck your cousin. A king and a queen, the powerful fucked their cousins. Now they fuck kids on an island. Right? I'm kind of sad I wasn't invited to that island though. Not as an adult, but as a kid. I wanted a Nickelodeon show. I think it could have been better than Drake and Josh. Right? No? Everybody got real mad when they found out Stephen Hawking went to the island. I don't know why. I don't think his dick worked. If I was a kid on that island that had got him on my weekly schedule, I'd be kinda pumped. Right, you know…

How the fuck we doing everybody? We in it? I'm going to do a fucking catchphrase right now. I'm gonna go A-O, you guys give me a shabango. A-O! Jenga! Fuck yeah, so the other day I was beating my daughter. Aunt Jenga? Am I right guys? No, that's a joke, she beat me. So I punched that bitch in the fucking face. A-O! Jenga! Fuck yeah, anyway, I don't be fucking that bitch by the way. I may look like a pedophile but I'm not one which is tough because I do have resting I'd be fucking my daughter face which is not easy. Which I don't like because I got to walk around with that daughter and it's tough because she's not even that hot. S…

Y'all, I think it's safe to say life is like toilet paper. We all go through it. Some more than others. They say they don't. They gotta be full of shit. I wouldn't shake their hand, that's what I'm saying. That's a hot take. I think cheating is bad. I think it's worse women do it. A woman will cheat. Not even cum. Fuck. Like guys, guys are so gross. Like they'll be like, oh, just a fucking pussy. Like, yeah, let's do it. Oh, you know fucking pussy. Like, yeah, let's do it. Oh, you know what that means. Do you want a cigarette butt? Do you want one of Red Band's cigarette butts? Yeah. Here you go.

That's right. Soak it in, ladies. This is what Jeff Bezos would look like without any money. This is the improved me. I've lost 60 pounds, but I didn't get the results I wanted. I ended up with loose skin. I wanted a tight-toned stomach. I ended up with a belly that looks like a used grocery bag. Yeah, you know. If my body was an amusement park, it would be six red flags. Yeah. Shit, you know. And everything's going crazy now. Everybody's like, oh, fuck, Trump's in office. But, you know, I'm looking forward to it. Because, quite frankly, I like Hispanic women. And with all this talk of deportation, there's gotta be somebody cute…

I took the bus last week and I sit in the back of the bus and I think I'm alone on the bus. Until at one point I look to the front and there's another guy there and he has the down syndrome. I'm not saying nothing bad about him. He just got it. And he notices me too. And he starts playing the game with me of whoever looks away first is a pussy. And you know me, dog. If you wanna fuck with me, I'll fuck you back. So I stare this motherfucker down. And we keep going. I missed my stop. Now who's retarded, huh? And it was one of those buses, you know where the middle part has the slinky accordion? So every time the bus would turn, me…

What's up? So recently I've been banging this cancer bitch. Yup. But she's not one of those leukemia hoes. She was just born in July. Yup. leukemia hoes she was just born in July. Yep. The issue with her though is she does have cancer and I'm just not into that. How much can you expect me to care when I can't get to second base because because she's already at stage four. Oh. They cut her tits off too quick. Oh. Thank you. Uh, and a lot of my buddies will be like, well, why are you even into her, bro? And I tell them, you know, it's simple. Uh, as an Arabic, I find it sexy how easily she got in the terminal.

I've been told I have resting Republican face. I look like I buy my daughter black baby dolls because it's February, Black History Month. It's not good.

Sup white people? I'm new to dating. Are y'all still afraid of AIDS out here? I've been fucking these ratchet bitches lately and I was in with her and I was getting it in. I was trying to get it in. I was, fuck y'all, that's how I fuck.

So my oldest daughter just turned 13 recently and into a little bitch. Guys, is it still illegal in the state to attempt to sell your child to a wealthy old childless couple? Even if they're white? What? She gets a new and better life and get a new Corvette 3LT. I told that one online, I didn't go viral. I did get a ha-ha like, however, a friend request and a comment asking, where can we see more of your material? From Texas Child Protective Services. Ladies, I'm dating. I get it. All right, I've been collecting ice for feedback, free back from you ladies for a long time now. I get it, it's not the face that's closing ass with yo…

Have you all seen these Honda Civics driving around? They got that big ass spoiler, really loud exhaust on it and all these stickers and it's this shitty little car. loud exhaust on it and all these stickers and it's this shitty little car. It's trying so hard to be a race car but it just can't do anything that a race car can do. Shit's really annoying right? Yeah it's the same way I feel about trans women too. I feel like I just walked into a fucking fire right now. Breathe. Something I've learned living in this city.

I'm a doctor in Canada which means the government pays me to stick my finger up people's butts. Yeah, gotta wear a glove though. Yeah, morphine is addictive. Western medicine tried to solve this with heroin. Oops. It was sold over the counter to treat coughs in children. It worked, you know. It also helped kids And is for nap time. And is for Nancy didn't wake up from nap time. But don't worry, morphine's been replaced. I'm sorry. Don't worry, heroin's been replaced by its non-addictive cousin, fentanyl. Modern medicine, we just keep getting better.

Hey, everybody. Because I think registered sex offenders are, like, really dumb. Yeah, I'm never gonna register. That's my little secret, you guys. For real, though, I don't know how we landed on the term registered sex offenders. Feels a little soft for what they actually are. Could have easily went with convicted sex offenders. But we went with registered for some reason. Why are we making it sound like they're sex offenders that did all the proper paperwork? Like, you register to vote, you register a weapon. You register your car. I don't think a cop's ever walked up on a sexual assault. Like, license and registration. And he'…

Joe Rogan's Comedy Club. Oh my God. What a, What a scene.

All right, I was watching a documentary before the show, but it got a little depressing, so I had to turn it off. It turns out dolphins will have sex with just about anything. Like, they're extremely horny creatures. And they kind of bummed me out, dude. I just thought what me and Flipper had was special, you know? I have herpes now, bastard. I really am trying to prove myself right now, though. I quit playing video games. No more smoking weed or, you know, no more drinking. I started going to church, and that means no more masturbating, you know, especially no more jerking off. In fact, if I'm going to have sex from now on, I on…

We here. I smoke weed. That's something me and my father used to do, smoke weed and laugh, smoke weed and laugh. But we can't do it no more because his lungs can't take it like he used to because he's dead, right? Smoked so much, he's ashes now. Don't feel bad, though. I got a quarter pound of him in my living room. My little sister hit me up. Was like, I want some of his ashes so I can put in a locket. I was like, I'll sell you an A for 60. I want me and my wife to have a kid so I can know what the race in my baby-gong turn out to be. I say race because I'm Puerto Rican and my wife is Honduran. So if you use your mixed-race calc…

All righty, good evening, Austin. Where are all my Latinos at? See, you guys see how easy it was to round us all up? We can't help but express pride. And I feel like in this day and age, we kind of need to take lessons from Italians of the past century, kind of go incognito into why people forget about us Eventually, they'll accept us because if you think about it an old-school Italian is basically just a wetback with a towel No Alrighty then moving forward but seriously now that Trump is in office and these ICE raids have started all over the country. We kind of need to need to be a little bit more vigilant as Latinos You know w…

My wife does these charcoal face scrubs. Ladies, you've probably heard of them. Apparently they work wonders, because she does them every night. I'll just be chilling, watching Netflix before bed. She's walking around, full black face, not batting an eye. I'm like, whoa, babe, I'm trying to watch Django Unchained right now. You're totally ruining the vibe. All right cool. Guys there's a family of immigrants behind that curtain. If you don't laugh I'm gonna have to tickle them very hard to get sound bites. All right. The worst is when she does these charcoal face scrubs. Matt, we're just gonna keep it moving. We're in a turbo roun…

I don't know if you guys can tell, but I used to be Hispanic. Yeah. My full name is Mario Alejandro Zapata Diaz. Yeah. You know who gives me the most shit about being pale is other Hispanic people. They're always like, why are you so pale? And I'm like, well, my family flew here. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm here. HBO is remaking Harry Potter. Fans are concerned because they want to cast a black actress Snape because in the book it says Askaban, not Axkaban. I think that the reason the word retarded is such an offensive word is because so many people are, you know?