Kill Tony #749

To get the American experience. I went out shooting the other day. I shot a 3 0 8 in the clay and a handgun. What kind of idiot would give me a rifle that's just irresponsible? They were super cool about it. The guy hands me a handgun, but they didn't notice that when they handed me the gun. They all took like three steps back. They're like, this is America. So we are gonna let him shoot. But also this very special boy is definitely gonna shoot one of us. Luckily I had my handicap pass, so I just shot everything. So there's a serial killer in Austin, Texas that has been killing a bunch of people at Lady Bird Lake. I have a big se…

Y'all shut the hell up. I got one minute. Alright. I was talking to my homeboy the other day. I was like, man, I got an addiction yo. What you mean? I said, Hey man, I love fat bitches. He was like, but what the fuck you talking about? I said, Hey man, chill. You better go get you one. 'cause why sleep on a big bitch when you can sleep on a big bitch? I like 'em. Queen size nigga. I had one. She was about 350 pounds. The bitch was built like a linebacker. I swear to God I love it. 'cause she got straight to the point. Nigga. One day she would fucking up a whole bucket of Popeye's fried chicken. She was just Ash, ash, ash. She sai…

So we've got an obesity epidemic, whereas I like to say more baby fat than a dumpster, an abortion clinic. At least the joke made to its infancy. It's no surprise as far as eating healthy is concerned. They've literally tossed the salad. Come on that joke. Eats ass heart disease is number one cause of death. Fun fact. It causes erectile dysfunction. I think that's your body telling you it's not fucking around. Your arteries are stiff. Diabetes is another major health issue which also causes blindness. I thought it was just a fucked up weight loss program where you chop your feet off. Alright. That one can be a stumper. Yeah. They…

Yo BLM said there's no such thing as black on black crime. Well what I wanna know is, who was that nigga who broke into my house last night? He wasn't white. Trump said that Tylenol is making kids retarded. I do believe him because the last few bitches I had sex with all had retarded kids and they never let you know. They kids is retarded. They just put 'em in the back of the house and you gotta hear that nigga. I was in the middle of having sex with this one girl and next thing I know her fucking door busts and income 6, 6, 11 years old. Butt ass naked and dinosaur slippers. And I'm like, Hey bitch, what the fuck is that? She's…

I think I have a bad handshake. So I did some research and apparently Trump and Bill Clinton are the world's top H shakers. I read that Bill Clinton's handshake is known for being both warm and personal, which is definitely interesting for a guy who rapes. Whereas Trump's handshake is more of a dominant power move, a handshake that makes people go, oh yeah, this guy rapes. And I've been told my handshake is both smooth and pliable. A handshake that makes everybody go, oh yeah, this guy's gonna get raped. For some reason people think I rape, but I'm not strong enough to rape with force. I can only rape with drugs. I'm skinny And I…

Mother. Shit, what the fuck is up? I don't know if you guys could tell by the way I'm dressed, but I am an essential worker. Okay, cool. Don't clap fucking assholes. But yeah, I deliver groceries for a living without me. Westlake and B kay with star, right? Austin needs me And I think I speak for all delivery drivers when I say this. If you live in an apartment complex, do not order groceries online. Okay? That is for home owners only because every time I go to a shitty apartment complex, you're on the 12th floor, your elevator don't work and you don't tip. Speaking of no tips, if you're Indian, I'm not talking about Native Ameri…

Man, this shit feel good man. I used to actually hate rich people before I got money. I did. You know, rich people got different debit cards in us. They got maybe y'all, some of y'all got 'em out here. These little 22 pound bulletproof solid metal debit cards made out of vibranium from Wakanda. Hey, y'all seen these motherfucker and they did it me. The thing is my debit card. That shit, if I throw it up in the air, it is going to be a minute before it hit the ground. If somebody open the door, that shit gonna go right back to the top. Sometimes if I'm high and on bored, I just go for my debit card. You know, rich people got heavy…

Hey, a guy strikes out nine times outta 10. I don't know who the 10th girl is, but tell her to throw the ball. Yeah, I was at the bakery. They were like baked fresh daily. Yeah, me too. Two, I wish I had a burrito restaurant because burritos roll, free delivery if you live downhill. Yeah. Our only competitors a can of soup. Hey, I have a car. It's not pushed to start, but it is pushed to keep going. Come on guys, push. Oh, we just got passed by a burrito. Thank you

This is my first time doing stand up, so thank you. I feel honored doing it with the genius. You are grooving, right? So my name's John, I'm from Sean K I'm from Pennsylvania, I'm from Pennsylvania. Woo. 4 6 2. Alright. Nah, too soon. Alright. Anyway, so I, one of those people diagnosed with well A DHD. Right? Right. Because I grew up in the era when we didn't, we didn't have helmets. Alright. We Right, right. You're laughing, right? Yeah. That's why I never had kids. I'm 47. I have kids because I didn't put a helmet on my kid and ride a bike. You know, I just ain't doing it right. So, and this is my first time ever doing standup…

Not something there is an actual transcript for, just go watch it, pretty funny.

How we all doing tonight? You guys ever walk in on your parents having sex when you're a kid? 27 times. It's awkward when they tell you to stop doing it. You keep No, it's my fault. The first time, actually it was about five And I said, what do you want for your birthday? I said, I wanna watch fucking shit. Said big wheel, stupid. Actually, my father passed away not too long ago. That's, I, I'm pretty happy about that now. He left me his motor home and I'm living in at about two miles away from here. So I get to sign up all the time. It's pretty awesome. But I've had a hard time talking about it with all my black friends. 'cause…

I recently made a horrible mistake. I cut off all my hair in most of my beard. Yeah. I used to look like Jesus if his first miracle was turning water into meth. You know, I got tired of walking around looking like a caveman who had been thawed from ice. The problem is now I just look like a white guy hired by it. I was at my daughter's school the other day And I overheard these two ladies talking about a deaf kid that had been learning sign language and then he had an accident over the summer during 4th of July. Messed up some digits. I was like, that is so sad. That little boy was born deaf. Then he developed a lisp. It is okay…

Quick housekeeping announcement. There's an astro van parked out front. It's filled with guys in turbans reciting prayers, like frantically reciting prayers. Anyway, so I'm watching this Diddy documentary, the Reckoning. And I didn't realize that early in his career, Diddy hosted a celebrity basketball game where nine people were trampled to death when they were rushing into the gym to get a seat. Apparently they thought it was an Apex twin concert. Yeah. Is it just me or is the Taliban gotten too woke? I've always wanted to go to a Mafioso Christmas party and be like, Hey wait, this missile toe has a tiny little microphone hangi…