Keegan Carmichael

Hey, a guy's throwing my wife. wallet? He was like, ha ha, I have your wallet. I was like, ha ha, you have 8K of credit card debt. Start paying it back, you bum. Hey, you get cheese on a burrito, it's free. Koso, it's extra. So I'll take it in English. I can't afford a bilingual burrito. Just make it in a language that's cost effective. Hey, my sister is vegan. On Thanksgiving, she eats alone. Hey, I saw a sign and said, in case of fire, you stares. Fuck that, let's use water.

Hey, a guy strikes out nine times outta 10. I don't know who the 10th girl is, but tell her to throw the ball. Yeah, I was at the bakery. They were like baked fresh daily. Yeah, me too. Two, I wish I had a burrito restaurant because burritos roll, free delivery if you live downhill. Yeah. Our only competitors a can of soup. Hey, I have a car. It's not pushed to start, but it is pushed to keep going. Come on guys, push. Oh, we just got passed by a burrito. Thank you

My dad would always tell me alcohol will never fix anything. Then why did you carry beer in your toolbox? Yeah. Yeah. You didn't think I noticed. Yeah, I was doing comedy. Comedy's tough as a comedian. I haven't gone on the road, but I'm pretty close to being on the street. Hey, I wish a story really did come with two sides because I would love to read a book with mashed potatoes and slaw. Hey, what'd you enjoy about Hoka Berry Finn The Gravy? Hey, are you hungry? Cool. Let's go to the library. All right, thank you.