Kill Tony #738

I, I got road head. I did it. And, and, and that should be illegal. No one should ever have road head ever. It's the most dangerous thing that's ever happened to me. And if you think texting and driving is dangerous, try getting your dick sucked while we're, while driving it is, is horrifying. And, and if you ever are offering someone road head, don't offer them road head because we can't say no to that. It's like, it's like offering a coke addict cocaine. It's like, yeah, of course I want the blow. And, and that's a pun. And, and so, you know, it was happening for me and we were driving and it was fantastic. But I'm panicking 'c…

Y'all good? Oh yeah man. So I've been out here in Austin for a couple of months and saw on the news that the reporter said that these two individuals got into a kerfuffle and one of 'em stabbed the other and murdered them. And that shit made me sad. 'cause like 40 years of being on this earth and I ain't know what kerfuffle meant. I was looking up, where's Kerfuffle Texas on Google and shit. Celebrated 18 years with my wife, which is cool. But my grandparents celebrated what they were 60 years together before they passed away. And I asked her like, what's your secret for a long relationship like that? And my grandmother was like,…

So my buddy just came back from his honeymoon trip in the Virgin Islands and when he was out there, the tour guide on the boat, he said, if you look just right out there, you can see Epstein's Island. I'm like, what the fuck? He looked over his wife, I said, what the fuck? He said, yeah. And if you go on the beach and you grab a seashell, you can hear a kid cry. Yeah, it's fucked up. Y'all laughed at that. But that's, yeah. Sorry. You got any single people here? Yeah. Fuck Yeah. I'm doing that online dating or what I call, I keep getting tricked by fat girls. The worst kind of fat girl on there is the pregnant ones because no, th…

Hello everybody. What's going on? All right, well KILL TONY. Hi. All right. AR 15 Bulletproof vests, pistol and bullets. What do we call those school supplies. All right. All right. All right. Thank you. Thank you. All right. Speaking of shootings, we lost Charlie Clark recently. I never met the guy, but I hear he's a real pain in the neck. Oh, I'm sorry guys. I'm sorry. I figure if I bomb hard enough, Trump will tweet about it. All right. All right. All right. I get told I look like I'm gonna kill somebody a lot. I feel like I'm probably the reason women like serial killer documentaries. Ooh, I'm nervous as fuck, guys. Appreciat…

So I just got told I look like a Pokemon trainer with a fentanyl addiction. Oh yeah, dude, I sucked the Pikachu from Dick, you know? All right. That sucked. Oh yeah. I just graduated high school about a year ago today. And I found out on the news, I'm my old high school teacher. He got arrested for training a's in exchange for sex, which wasn't news to me because I was a straight A student back in high school. He taught me a valuable lesson though. One lesson he taught me was that sometimes in life he got give head to get ahead. You know, high school was weird for me. I went to high school during the era of school shootings, you…

I hate to disappoint you guys, but I am half Mexican. I just got born with that white skin. Thank God. Staying in this country. I've been going through a rough patch sexually, sir. So your relationship pisses me off. I have. I've been going through a rough patch sexually. So naturally I have to get really good at masturbating. Yeah. You good at masturbating? Asian man? Are you good at masturbating? How do you masturbate? Just two chopsticks on the shaft up and down. No, I'm, I'm really good. I got a really good method from masturbating. I go on my phone and I text all my contacts. I'm gonna kill myself, shove it up my ass and ign…

So I just found out that in chess, you know, chess In chess, they have a separate league for women. Why? In basketball it makes sense. I'm gonna jump over you in boxing. I get it. I can just fucking But in chess too, huh? So you're telling me it's official. You guys are stupid too, huh? Don't worry honey cheeks. I looked into it. It has nothing to do with intelligence. Just that the rules are a bit different. No difficult patterns. No bishops, no knights. As a matter of fact, women close their ears for a second, guys. They're just playing checkers. You know, in the late nineties, Gary Kasparov, the greatest chess player of all ti…

Howdy, howdy. Hey, thanks. You know, maybe it's true what they say. Maybe Mews do know best today. My mew said you're going out in that jacket. It looks like a giant hairless ball sack. Speaking of ball sack, do you guys eat at Olive Garden often now folks, the menu at Olive Garden says, take a tour of Italy. Wow. Who knew you could take a tour of Italy without ever leaving Beaumont, Texas. Now folks, it's easy to know if your server at the Olive Garden is into incest. When they say things like, when you're here, right here, you're family. Hey, olive Garden. How the fuck you gonna have unlimited soup and then a limited amount of…

I, I got on a lime scooter the other day and I drove like two or three feet in the bike. Stop. So I checked the app and it was like, Hey, just so you know, only one rider per scooter, please. Has anyone ever had to press a com button to confirm they were an individual? I know the exact moment. I, I needed to stop riding the bike. I drove by a black woman. She was like, oh hell no. She was I, I went to Europe and I saw the Mona Lisa, like the most famous painting of all time. And when I was there, this Korea couple walked up to me, they're like, Hey, can you take a photo of us? And I was like, sure. And I thought they want to take…

Yeah, I do a lot of white shit. I hunt, I fish, I swim, I change the batteries in my smoke detector. It's so weird to me that black people will never hear those fucking smoke detectors. It's, it is like, it's fucking soothing to them. You know what I'm saying? I went to one of my friend's house the other day and his smoke detector was beeping. I'm like, n*gga you don't hear that shit. He's like, yeah, that mean it's working. What the... I'm like, no the fuck it's not. No but black people, we don't hear that shit. We don't change our fucking smoke detectors bro. You ever heard the saying, if you want to hide something from a n*gga…

Hey everybody. How we doing? You good? My name's Donna Lee. I have a very critical Asian mom. My mom is Thai. My dad is Irish. So I'm Tish. I had to tell my parents one day that I was going through a really gnarly divorce. And so my mom was very critical of my life decisions. She was very upset. I was gonna be single forever. So one day I am in the car going to Austin. To Houston and my mom called and she said, Donna, Donna, how come you're alone? You're so very, very alone. I worry for you. And I said, why am I alone? Let's unpack that together. I said, I'm alone because you and dad proved the inability to show me love and affec…

Guys. I am celebrating nine years of my citizenship. I've lived here for 26 years. I was adopted by white people. I have a disability. My dad got me off a fucking tax write off. No, honestly, like he was an asshole because growing up he never taught me Spanish. So that any, so anytime I would act out, he would be like here. He, he'd always threaten to send me back to the homeland and like he goes here, they call you Ronnie. Back at home, they would call you jaguar bait and he would always use past tense. So I knew he was serious. And the worst part about it is growing up, like I never thought my dad was an asshole. Like I never t…

I was at the courthouse. The other day pulling some land deeds. And you know the property where the Bat cave is? It's owned by Wayne Enterprises. Why would Bruce Wayne, wait, does Batman owe Bruce Wayne money? I mean, the dude is saving the day all day. And does he ever get a tip? Hell no. Dude's probably broke as hell. And you know the government isn't paying him because the cop street guy. Yeah. Keep trying to shut his ass down. I messed that part up. Thank you. Everybody's talking about how AI is gonna take over the world. Yeah, the movie kind of sucked. This is an impression of me sending a text to the wrong group chat. Wanna…