Kill Tony #767

Everybody in this country just want to be upset or the sadness or the madness, and I just want to be silly. And across your arms, niggas, silly up. You still on talking about, why are you, you just, you ain't come here to have a good time? You laughing through YouTube. What happened to the silly laughs that used to? We used to have goofy-ass laughs at comedy. Nicks be like, ha, ha, ha. Y'all don't even do that no more. Do y'all remember silly Jews? Do y'all remember when Jews were the silliest people in America, Larry David, and Seinfeld and Sarah Silverman's fine ass? Y'all remember that? Just fucking Ari went into the wildernes…

Tom Frank, no relation, but I'm gonna try and lock in right now, like that great woman. My name is, I'm a gypsy, yeah, that just means I have a hard time answering simple questions, like, where you're from, what are you doing here, and have you seen my dog? Yeah, my family's from Czechoslovakia, yeah? Back then, wasn't a good time to be Jewish, so it turns out gypsy is just a Jew that lost their documents. Still sucked, but a lot of people like to remind me, hey, that's not a country. Like, thanks for reminding me, I don't have a home, right? Yeah, we should have been clever and named it something that would stick, like Israel. T…

Thank you. You nailed my last name. Gerassimou. Sounds like I'm a dinosaur from Jurassic Park. Unfortunately, I have a neck long enough to also be a dinosaur from Jurassic Park. How funny that joke is who depends on where you're sitting. This guy had the perfect view over here. Careful, this is a splash zone. But it's a Greek name. My people invented both democracy and anal. You're welcome Tony. But it's a stereotype because in ancient Greece, the Spartans actually had gay sex to help the Army's team chemistry. That's pretty crazy, right? To think that fucking your boys makes you fight better? How did they find that out? And how…

Hey, a guy's throwing my wife. wallet? He was like, ha ha, I have your wallet. I was like, ha ha, you have 8K of credit card debt. Start paying it back, you bum. Hey, you get cheese on a burrito, it's free. Koso, it's extra. So I'll take it in English. I can't afford a bilingual burrito. Just make it in a language that's cost effective. Hey, my sister is vegan. On Thanksgiving, she eats alone. Hey, I saw a sign and said, in case of fire, you stares. Fuck that, let's use water.

I'm born in 2001. It was a great year for me. Not so great for Lower Manhattan. All right. Growing up in school, we had a kid whose birthday was on the actual 9-11, 2001. So every year we would have that moment of silence at the end of the day, and the class would get real quiet. And then the teacher would break in. Boys and girls on this day, we must remember that Francesco's mom brought cupcakes. Oh my gosh, are those chocolate frosted? Because this is a day I will never forget. We actually had a twin in the class too, Francesca. the teacher would tell us, boys and girls, I just got word from the office that a second tray of cu…

It's Royal Oates. I don't know if you could tell about looking at me in the cleavage that I'm showing right now, but it's a lot of muscle up under here, right? And you know, the first thing they say about people when they got muscles, right, is they're on steroids. And I don't have a problem with steroids because steroids is cool, right? I have a problem with what they say about people on steroids, right? Like this one trick tried to come at me, and she was like, I know you're a dick that scribbled up to this small because of all the steroids you use. And I had to correct her, right? I was like, first of all, bitch. It's not you…

I don't know if you guys can tell by looking at me, but my parents are brown immigrants. And my mom, she wanted me to be a doctor so bad. She named me surgeon. It's fucked up. I know so much pressure. Imagine being named after a job. But my name's kind of cool. My siblings, they got it so much worse. My older brother, his name is engineer. Yeah, and he grew up to be an engineer because he's a suck up. But my little sister, she has the worst name. I feel so bad for her. They didn't really believe in her that much, so they named her abortion. Just to get real for a second, I don't know if you guys are still doing your New Year's re…

This comedy bit is going to lose his potency after a black guy, but I love fat girls so much. I fucking love them. And you guys are looking at me like, is it the blowjubs? No. It's the love. I'm 33 years old. I am fine being the pretty girl in the relationship at this point. Like, I... Nothing... Well, actually, I've dated someone who's boyfriend before me killed himself. That's the best. Okay. I'm not saying, go find a girl and depress her boyfriend. I'm saying if you did, it would be worth. the time. It's fine. Because, dude, every time you're sad, you get a blow job. So you don't kill yourself. And it's like not normal blow jo…

I just got out of a 22-year lesbian relationship? Not with a female, with a man who is a real bitch. Let's talk about it. Now men say things to me like, whose pussy is this? I'm like, I think it's mine. I mean, if this pussy at 45, I don't own it, it better be a land contract or rent-to-own situation. Otherwise, please, everyone give me a dollar tonight to pay off this a firm loan, okay? I've just lost a ton of money. I've just lost a ton of weight with gastric sleeve surgery. For those of you who don't know what gastric sleeve is, it's where they surgically alter your stomach to only hold four ounces of food. But like, don't wor…

I recently met a girl with herpes and well, I think I'm in love. I mean, what are the odds the first woman I talked to in months has aftermarket parts? It was kind of a surreal moment for me, you know, talking to a woman. But I really think she could be the one. I mean, think about if I'm ever losing an argument, I can just pull the herpes card. Oh, sorry we couldn't afford groceries this month, honey. Maybe if you didn't ruin my life by getting pregnant. Oh, and you have herpes, bitch. But you know, I'm really considering getting herpes. Think about it. There's so many beautiful women out there with herpes that no one wants to h…

So, guys, I'm Keenan. I'm from a military family. I'm very proud of that. My cousin is actually overseas right now. Yeah, he joined ISIS. Yeah, now he's a viral star. You can find all his stuff on LiveLeak. I hear a lot of stories about students and teachers having inappropriate relationships, and I'm not going to lie, when I hear that, I get a little bit jealous. You know, I think back. Now, as a handsome guy, Why couldn't that have happened for me when I was a teacher? You guys seen Crazy Rich Asians? Anybody seen that? Yeah, they're making a sequel. It's called Crazy Poor Asians. It's about Filipinos. They're also making a mov…

Hey, Tony. I heard you were gay, Tony. No GTA, Tony. I'm like, no way. Tony? Anyways, Tony, you fuck with raves, Tony? No, frail, you fuck with raves, Tony? Shit, Tony. I think you're my twin, Tony. You're looking kind of thin, Tony. Bring that shit in, Tony? Damn, Tony. I've been hearing squats 50 times every time I wake up, working on my ass, Tony. So let me ask Tony. You fuck with raves, Tony?

When I finger my girlfriend on her period, my finger goes in like this and it comes out like this. It'll be creep walking away. When I was a kid, I used to have nightmares and I'd pee the bed. And recently, I found out I'm a squirder. Think back to those times, I had nightmares and I'd pee the bed and I realized, oh, I was just sleeping next to my uncle. The uncle that molested me taught me a lot. He taught me how to roll my ars so that when I got older, I could say, rape. I was molested in the state of Michigan. He touched me here. Little sister to us over there at the comedy store holding it down. Great energy's always there an…

How you doing, Tony? Welcome, welcome. How are you doing, Red Man? Weeman, this is not Preston Lacey. This is Preston Lacey and I's child. Oh my god, it's that last chick's double-sided dildo. Oh my god. You're huge. Yeah, but I'm not green. No, no, no, no, no. And you're not 160, by the way. Yeah, well, you're 160 centimeters, buddy, so... This way. By the way, lesbian 69 is L7. Oh. Oh, L7. I like that. We, man, welcome back to the Kill Tony Universe. We've missed you. You've been out in L.A. We accidentally abandoned everybody out there. You did. Yeah. It's all right. You abandoned your favorite neighbor, too, and he's sad. Abs…

Started doing that thing where you choke yourself while you masturbate. You guys have heard about this. The Cinnamon Challenge. Fun times. Last time I did that, I was watching some midget porn. At least I hope. All right, most of you are either Amish or liars. Fine, though. And watching too much of that stuff growing up, I think it gave me unrealistic expectations of women, you know? Like, thinking lesbians would be pretty. Rarely the case. I dated a Jewish girl once, ended up being a lesbian. The old double Ike, LGBT Jew. You know, the ancient Jews. As legend has it, they saw Jesus Christ at the Last Supper, picking up the tab f…