Kill Tony #706

Oh shit, oh man, I heard there was a Kid Rock sex tape so I was interested I was gonna look it up but after I wrote the first for a kid. I was like, I'm out. No, this is a trap. This is set up. Anyway, some guys say they have gay daughter and it's like, yeah, I have boners too, you know. We're all aware that my voice is similar to RFK Junior's, uh, but now, he's gonna be head of the health department, we're all gonna start sounding like this, so welcome to hell!

What up? I freaking love wrestling so much. How about you guys? I love wrestling so much, my parents thought I was going to be gay growing up. Posters of naked dudes all over my freaking raw, you know, freaking Undertaker, Stone Cold, all tea bagging me above my bed. When are you going gonna get a poster of a woman son? so I got a poster that one wrestler y'all remember China? hell yeah like you like that shit dad? I guess it'll do son. you gotta support your artist guys not very many people know China did porno she had the most muscular flesh light on the market get your penis in a choke hold. Extra large clitoris. You got a fre…

Guys, this year makes 10 years that I've been a cancer survivor. I had cancer when I was 19, which is tough, because you're too young to really understand what's going on, and then you're too old to meet John Cena. You know, because at 19 you're like, make a wish. More like, make me squirt, John, what the fuck? Hey John, my pussy's bald too, you know. John Cena and squirting, John Cena and squirting. Thank you, it's tricky to make a cancer joke, you know? Cancer's a really tricky topic. One time this comic told me that it's important to talk about the tricky topics. He said that he learned that because he used to talk a lot about…

How you doing, Tony? Happy New Year, KT Nation. I feel sorry for anybody that's not in this arena tonight Kill Tony been on what 12 12 years? 700 episodes you guys have been through more comedians than cocaine antidepressants and Viagra I'm a little freaked out. I'm gonna be 49 49 years old in a couple of months But let me tell you I've learned a few things. Number one, ramen noodles, everybody knows ramen noodles. They taste better when you eat them because you want to, right? Number two, you see two people kissing in public with wedding rings, they're married to other people. And number three, if it feels like more than three f…

Listen here. Had a woman from Tallahassee, Florida slide into my DMs. She said, hey, shut the fuck up. She said, got a plane ticket with your name on it you come down to Tallahassee Florida blow my back out and rearrange my guts yeah I said happy to Easter to you too how you doing today he has risen you know right she said but before I get you a plane ticket, I'm gonna need to see a picture of that hog. Fun fact, I ain't got no hog. I got what they call field mouse dick. You ever been hit by a sewing machine needle? You know. Look, here's the thing about sending wiener pics. Don't do it, okay? All right, listen, look, I love my w…

My name is Joe because I was named after the crab shack that I was conceived in. So... You guys, I'm single, so I've been going on a bunch of dates. It's not really helping my love life, but I do have an outstanding balance on my credit card. Yeah. It's hard to stand out in the dating world when you look like the vanilla flavor of white men. Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad flavor. It's just not anybody's first choice. I don't even have any tattoos or anything, or as I call them, sprinkles. You guys, I'm so white I get 2% milk at the store because whole milk's too spicy. Feel like there's a lot of weirdos in the dating world. I…

Come on. It's not too late to have the first female president. We could have the best one. Trump could transition. Now I can grab my very own pussy. Quite frankly, I have the best pussy. My pussy is very tight and beautiful. Everyone who sees it says it's the best they have ever seen. My pussy is so much better than Caitlyn Jenner, who got a liberal pussy from the radical left. She got a pussy from a fake doctor. I got mine from an American doctor. A lot of people go to Mexico to get their pussy, not me. Mine was made right here in America. America has the best pussies. Everyone knows it. A Haitian man wanted to eat my cat the ot…

So I just got to make a stipulation real quick. I do sit down, not stand up. It's a little bit different. My name is Vikash Sivadasani, but I go by Vic. So you're welcome. I know what you're all thinking seeing me up here, but I'm not really disabled. I'm just really lazy. Or at least that's what I tell people. See people always feel the need to come up to me and be like hey man what happened? Why are you in a wheelchair? My favorite like the old Indian people were like so what is wrong with you? I'm like man what the hell is wrong with you? Got no manners, geez nothing's wrong with me. Just got tired, want to sit down. I had a l…

I don't know what was going on out here, but I don't know how the fuck I'm going to follow that shit. So the other day I went through my 18-year-old cell phone. I know, no, I'm progressive mom. And I went through and I found a chat that he was using where he was sexually chatting with some AI robot named Cindy. And I'm over here thinking most parents would be gross to fuck out by now, but I'm over here like, yes, he's finally sexually talking to something. I need to get this shit dick out of my house already But the joke was on me. Because I quickly realized that the AI chat robot that he was speaking to Was from a group chat th…

Yeah! And yet I find, yet I find, there's no one left to call. God, senior year's gonna be nuts. We're gonna run this school, man. Marble, marble, hair. The ritual's almost complete, Tony. But one of us has to die for the other to truly be free. Alexander wept for there were no more rifts left to conquer. It's funny you bring that up, because... Seven years ago tonight, my teacher, Miss Garlic, Carly Garlic, she heiress of the Garlic Fortune. She owed garlic money. You guys would have loved her. But she pulled me aside and she said, Titty Boy LaCroix, and I said, speaking? And she said five words that changed my life. She said, w…

Austin, Texas. Is everybody doing good on New Year's? Good, good. So I just want to say every woman in the world, every woman reaches an orgasm differently. Fellas listen, every woman comes differently. Every woman takes a little something different to reach a climax. I was dating a lady one time who could only come while she was on top. My last girlfriend could only come when she was getting fucked from behind. The lady I'm with right now can only come if she's getting fucked by a black guy and I'm tied up. It's crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. But tomorrow I'm gonna be a couple years sober actually and don't woo, I have a minute.…

Y'all ever notice that snatching a black girl's wig off is equivalent to taking the mask off of the criminal on Scooby-Doo? It's like, I knew it was you. She's like, I would have got away with it if it wasn't for you kids. I don't know what it is about snatching a black girl's wig off, but that shit change her DNA. You know what I'm saying? Because when you snatch the wig off, the eyebrows come with it. My relationship with my girlfriend ain't been the same since I snatched that bitch wig off. I snatched her wig off and I called the cops on that hoe. I'm like, hey, it's a hood n*gga in my bathroom. Somebody uncle just went in my…

What's up, Austin So denying the Holocaust is like denying OJ did the crime. It's kind of like denying Sleepy Joe's a pedo. So the left says Hitler's coming to power this year. Hitler? That's the case. I may need to borrow somebody's attic. I don't feel like writing a diary, so all it's really gonna say is we didn't learn shit from our history. Give them a circus and none shall revolt. Welcome to the circus, folks. Anyways... Sorry. Anyways, sorry. So, eat the rich everybody's saying. I'd go down on a lonely old widow for a chance at owning a house in this economy.

Oh, fuck! Can y'all tell I ran out of material yet? Uh, ha ha. N*gga, I ain't got shit to say. Uh, I say this, I would, I just learned how to do that backstage and I thought that was gonna be pretty fucking funny if I could've pulled it off. But it would've been cool to do that in like 1932. You take over a whole fucking town, n*gga. be like this n*gga's a witch and a n*gga. What the fuck going on here man? I tell you this, I uh, fuck Barack Obama n*gga. Not for the reasons you think brother. That n*gga was too happy. No, I say that because when I was a little kid, my teacher told me I could be whatever I wanted to be in life, ev…

Woo! Woo! Thank you. What the fuck is up, Texas? Happy New Year's! Woo! Guys, I'm Daisy Hart. I've been hearing everyone's been calling me Daisy Heartless lately. I'm like, ah, I'm sorry, boys. You gotta be at least this tall to ride the ride? Fuck you guys. Y'all, I'm from a sundown town. If y'all don't know what a sundown town is, they have a sign that says if you're brown, turn around. I thought that meant if you're brown, turn around, you know? Hey, whatever, guys. Fuck y'all. Y'all can be jealous. I am new to comedy, though. I hear you got to eat a lot of dicks to be good at comedy. So, y'all can start calling me little kami…

I just cut Daisy down, she was trying to hang herself backstage. Somebody go check on that bitch. Ain't it great when women try to do men's shit? Fuck raising a family, you know, being a member of the community. Stay in your lane, bitch! Learn how to cook! I'm not too happy with the panel. Trump is going to get this Australian. He's the first fucking immigrant that's gonna get the fuck out of the country. Oh, did I hurt some of your feelings? Fuck Bob Dylan. Playing all that silly love songs. I was in a toxic relationship. How long? 18 months? Why did it take you so long to figure out you were in a toxic relationship? Wasn't when…

Hey, hey. Bam. Check this shit out, huh? You like this? Bam! Check this shit out, huh? You like this? I was in front of the mirror today and I was practicing my kicks. Don't you guys think it kind of looks like I'm a Nazi who's got his hands full. But he sees Hitler walking, he's like, ah. I've always been flexible. And when you're flexible as a guy, the number one question you get is can you suck your own dick? Now we've all tried. Every guy here, even before you could read, you were like infinite energy, a self-sustaining unit. And I gotta tell you, I'm pretty close. I can... I can like tongue the tip. I can like clean myself o…

My New Year's resolution is to read more obituaries of my haters! Oh hell no! That's my impression of what the United Healthcare Vice President said when they told him he was being promoted to CEO. We don't give a fuck about that healthcare bullshit. Country singer Brad Paisley's wife had a damaged vocal cord that prevented her from speaking for two years and I'm just trying to figure out how lucky is that fucking guy? Y'all know that bitch be talking. I feel like I've tried every drug That fucking guy! Y'all know that bitch be talking! I feel like I tried every drug and then someone brings up poppers the other day and I forgot a…