Kill Tony #780

Fuck is up. Guys, just follow your dreams and don't let people be mean to you. I had somebody tell me, because I said, they said, what's your dream? I said, I want the biggest above-ground pool in the state of Texas. And then they said, Dedrick, above-ground swimming pools are trash. No, nigger, they're safe. So if it's safe, then it's fun. I don't fuck with in-ground swimming. Fuck in-ground swimming pools. No, I can't swim. I can see you doing the man. They don't got no respect for the non-swimmer. That shit goes from three to eight feet way too swiftly. We play in Marco Polo all of a sudden ain't no more dead drink. And if we'…

Real quick, before we get started, I just want to let you guys know, you're not drunk. This is what my face actually looks like. Okay? People ask me all the time, why? Why does it look like that? A few years ago, I got the Johnson and Johnson vaccine. That's what you're looking at. This is my Fauci-Ocee. That's what we call it at home. No, I was actually born like this. I was born. I was both my parents are hot actually. My mom is a spicy Latina. My father is my mom's brother. Still, good looking guy. I was born with something called Cruzan syndrome. Not a lot of people know what that is. I don't even know what it is. When people…

My girlfriend and I did mushrooms together pretty recently, you know? Oh, you guys like mushrooms? I fucking hated it. I had a horrible time. She was having a great time. I started panicking, and she tried to calm me down. But the only thing I remember her saying to me was, although there's another thing I remember, too. At one point she goes, Jack, my pussy feels crazy. and I said, me too. And during the trip, I start writing about Epstein. I start journaling about Epstein. I'm such a bad hang. You should not do drugs with me. This is, I start writing about Epstein, but I did get something good out of it. I realized, to me, the…

Thank you. I went to J.C. Penny the other day. Guys, nobody shops there anymore. It's all just Mexicans. I went to the front entrance, and they had a 12-year-old chubby boy, guarding the entrance. I hear me out. Hear me out. I went up to the boy. Hold on. I went up to the boy and asked him, aren't you a little too young to be working here? And he said, mind your own business, playboy. I was like, okay, I apologize. So I went up to him and apologized. Wow, this is going to a lot worse than I thought.

I think all female turned male transgender should have to play a year of football in the NFL, not to prove that men are stronger than women, but so that scientists can study brain that's been damaged twice. My girlfriend and I have been going plastic-free lately. Do you know how hard it is to carve a dildo out of wood? And why did she want me to stain it black? We did try it once, but I got splinters in my ass. My girlfriend and I have been in an open relationship for the last six months. I just haven't told her yet. I'm afraid to tell her because dating again is hard for a guy that's 5-9. You know, honestly, the hardest part abo…

Every time I grab this microphone, I feel like I'm giving LeBron James a hand job. Any married couples in there out here? Nice. Nice, me too. Yeah, I'm happily married 10 years now to a tall woman so you can clap for her. Because she definitely did it to disappoint her father. He was expecting Prince Charming and he got me. me. Or as my mother-in-law says, the handsome one of the bunch. And she's totally right because the other six are hideous. But my wife is smart, funny, beautiful, fantastic tits. They're my best friends. And there's questions that come when you're married to a taller woman. Like Pancho, dude, are you cool with…

Folks, this is my fucking dream. This is fantastic. This is amazing. It's my dream to struggle to pull. I dream to struggle to pull the fucking mic stand up at an arena, dude. It really is. Jesus fucking Christ, too. So I wrote a song about the American dream. You guys want to hear it? The American dream is supposed to be to get a wife and kids and then divorce. Because every real man knows the sign of a great woman is. that she's under 24. How about that last bucket pole? Wasn't that shit gray? Upa-Palupa, Charlie Chips' Chocolate Factor? Bombing. As a kid, I dreamed that I could be an astronaut. If Katie Perry can do it, why ca…

Was asked to headline a disability Comic-Con? redundant um it would just be like a room full of wheelchair people you know I showed up and I was the only wheelchair person there it was literally a room full of 400 furries yeah so the disability they were talking about It was autism, right? Dude, I go up there, I'm doing my material and I am bombing my fucking dick off, okay? Like, it's so quiet in this room that you could hear a tail drop. Okay. So I'm like scrambling, and I start doing crowdwork. Okay, but I will tell y'all it is impossible to do crowdwork to a room of people that will not make eye contact with you. I'm bombing…

Oh this is crazy man I love doing stand-up because after a show people say really nice things to you other times they say things that keep you up at night like one night after a show lady came up to me she's like you're really funny she's like you remind me of a lesbian George Lopez damn I don't like how hard you guys laughed at that. No, I'm from Minneapolis, but like most Mexicans, I was born in California. At least, that is what I've been telling a lot of white people lately. No, but I grew up in a town so small in Minnesota, like I didn't always live in Minneapolis. Like, the question I got the most growing up is, what kind o…

Hey, how's going, guys? My name is Wes. People have told me I look like a genie if you were to rub an old dirty bong instead of a lamp. I would come out, you know. But I just asked to borrow $30. Like, instead of granting three wishes, I just take three things away. You know, I just drove up from San Diego. San Diego's pretty cool. we have a lot of reactions to San Diego. We've got SeaWorld in San Diego, you know, or as the whales call it, Auschwitz Atlantis. So that's fun. I've been looking into it, though, and I looked back in the day, guys, in like medieval times, they had pocket pussies. I was looking at this up, they had poc…

People don't know this about me, but I'm Italian. I'm from Italy. Yeah, thanks. Yeah, thanks. I feel like Italians were a pretty likeable group of people. Yeah. Which, it's weird how much more likable Italians are than Germans. Right? Because we both kind of did a pretty big. kind of did a pretty bad thing. But Italians were more likable, even though we were both. And I think it's because we have pizza. I think Italians, we have pizza and Germans. That's not how they use their ovens. Yeah, that's the spicy Jew. I think I, uh, I tend to do. date other foreign people. I get along with people from other countries more. We just have…

The guy shows up, rolls down his window, when he starts yelling, he can't take me. And I was like, why not? He said he forgot the car seat. It's crazy, right? But I do have some exciting news for you all. I got a call today from ABC TV, and they want me. want me to be your next bachelor. Yes, they told me to tell you all to tune in this season on Nickelodeon. Come on, guys, wake up. Imagine me, your next bachelor, a half-stacked man with the kind of voice a tranny would kill for. Speaking of voices, everywhere I go, they call me, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. I was in Disneyland. The guy goes, hey, ma'am, you forgot your purse. I said, ye…

Hello everybody drinking tonight huh thank god I hate sober people listen if you're sober just don't come out I don't want to see your ass at my party just walking around remembering what happened, just making memories. I need everyone to be fucked up at my party. Nobody remembered. Who's raping who? That's what happened to P. Didi? Beautiful Hollywood party, banging bitches, baby oil. And then somebody was sober. And an empire fell. All of my friends are alcoholics. I trust them. I need to see behind the facade for me to trust you. I don't care who you are at 10 a.m. I need to know who you are. 22 shots deep, 3 a.m. That's when…

Here we go. What's up, y'all? My name's Joseph. Fun fact about me. My mom had me when she was 16. Anybody else in Mexican? Damn, La Rasa, yeah, this used to be Mexico, that makes sense, that completely checked out. Every time I tell someone to T-mom growing up, they gave me the same reaction. It's always a white person, they'll corner me, they'll be like, that must have sucked. And yeah, I get why someone would say that, that's the normal response. But I don't know, man, I like that shit. I thought it was pretty sick. Because when your mom's 16, you don't have to listen to her. What, I liked it, bro? Yeah, just be realistic, bro.…

The world is fucked up, and a lot of people are blaming it on the president, but I think the biggest problem that's plaguing the world is that fat girls have way too much confidence. Like, I miss the good old days when fat bitches will walk by you with their fucking head at the ground and shit. Now these holes walk by you where they fucking head in the sky. It's like, hey, bitch, look at the ground when you all past me. What the fuck is that? I hate that shit, bro. We've got to fucking coddle fat bitches feelings. You can't even call them a fat bitch no more. You got to call them shit like curvy or voluptuous or a BBW. But if you…

Am I facing you guys? Hey, how's it going? Nice to see you all. Yeah. Forgive me if I fuck up up up here. because I'm pretty fucking high, man. I am. Yeah. There's no secret. I like to smoke weed. I do. How many of you guys out there like to smoke weed? Raise your hand. How many of you guys raise your hand to a blind man? That's fucked up, man. Hey, but the weed be fucking with me sometimes, man. It does. Just like the other day I got really high. I got so fucking high that I thought I could see. I thought I could see. I thought I had my fucking vision back, man. I got so excited I ran to go tell my wife, ran right into a fucking…

What's up? What's going on? Oh, man. Okay. Sick. I'm here for a hotbox to room, you know? You know, I tried to hidebox my garage by turning on my car and didn't work like I thought. It was difficult. But still got fucked up, so that's all the matter. Okay. I want to incorporate magic in my act. I literally saw a living in half and the magic is, and the magic is, modern medicine let's see she save her okay okay if I had a tie machine by the time of Shane I go back and I would circumcise baby Hitler because now everybody's like kill baby Hitler I'm like convert him get them on your side you know you can get it well I'm done so

Cannot be transcribed to be honest.