KT: OUTT

TEXXXAAAAASSSS! Oh man. Y'all I had to take a plan from Atlanta, Georgia to Provo, Utah - it wasn't a good experience. Because the only flight leaving out of Atlanta to Utah only left at 5 o'clock in the morning, because they don't want people from Atlanta going there. So I called my uber at 3 o'clock in the morning cuz he keep going like a weird way and I wanted to cancel the Uber. I wanted to cancel the uber but he kept accepting it back every time i requested a new driver. So, he finally come pick me up. We start driving to he airport and when we get onto the interstate he gets pulled over back like 6 officers. And I'm crying…

Hello my name is Yang. I'm Asian. My pronouns are su-shi. And dim-some. I'm a musician. My stage is Lil Ming. AKA yellow Haitian 200. My MBTI is IDGF. I like buying shoes. And making shoes. I'm just here to share good news with you. I just got my nail technician certification. Chill, I'm just joking. Do I look like I do nail ?

My boyfriend's 30 years old. Which doesn't sound so bad until you realize I've been dating 30-year-olds since I was 16. I keep getting older and they stay the same age. And I'm a pretty good girlfriend to so in my last relationship my ex was like where have you been my whole life? I was like - in middle school. I couldn't even get him to come to one of my comedy shows, let alone divorce his wife. I'm on about my third husband by now, and I've never even been married. My weed dealer called me the other day to tell me that he graduated college. And to thank me for paying his way through college. I was like, damn I could have gone t…

Ahhh man. I have a one-year old nephew named Niko. He's a cute baby we like him. For Christmas we went over to his house. And he was sitting on the floor on front of me, maintaining eye contact. It's never a good thing. And in this moment this fucking baby decides to stand up and take his first steps... The disrespect... Unfounded. Why don't we learn how to read a room before we walk. I tripped him...

Hello Austin. A guy talked to me the other day he says hey main, do you like cowboys. I said hell yeah I like cowboys we live in Texas and there's cowboys everywhere. He says, well how do you feel about Westerns? Hell yeah, I like westerns, there's cowboys in them. And he said, well how do you feel about camping? Well camping is a cowboys' life. Anyways, we decided to go camping on this place called, Broke Back Mountain. I got real sleepy after dinner for some reason, the next thing I know is it's morning. And you know what I found out about camping. Camping makes my asshole sore. So much so, my asshole wrote me this note. It sai…

Do you guys know what a BBL is? Brazilian butt lift. I don't really want a girl with a BBL because the last thing I need is distance. Girl, you get a BBL, your pussy is in no danger. My dick is gonna be in the hallway, fucken... I might have a small dick, but you know what else I have? Great breakfast. That what matters when you're dating women in their 30s. The overall package. Wake up at my place, you get a goat-cheese omelette - tomatoes in the omelet. Not too hot, just squishy enough. When that omelet hits your mouth, you'll forget about the dick. Small dick men have nice apartments. Dude I have a fucken USB-C port in my couc…

Austin make some fucking noise. I love this city, I've been living here for a year and you guys made me fall in love with America. Thank you. All it took was watching a flyover at a Longhorns game and seeing the assertion of aerial dominance. That's all it was. All it took was [pilot noise] and immediately I said who's got oil. I'm not even American and I pledge allegiance to the flag for liberty and justice and said let's fucking invade. And I like America because you guys are proud about your military. You have museums everywhere. I was travelling through Tennessee and I saw a WW2 museum for female fighter pilots. Female fighte…

I asked my mum the other day seeing how she's so pro-choice, why she decided to have me circumcised. She told me it was medically necessary. I've read books, that's a lie. She said look here smartass, when you were born you had a condition where you didn't have eyelids. So your father and I did you the service of having you circumcised so that there was some skin to graft on. And before I could say a word, she said, why else do you think your daddy always calls you cock-eyed?

Hey listen. I'm on SNL now dawg it's pretty cool, it's dope. I like it man you know what's crazy. I think people are more excited for me than I am for myself though. Like people keep saying congratulations, good job, that's dope. And I know how huge it is, but I'm 26 and I'm black dawg, and I've never seen the show. I have no idea what I signed up for. I'm kinda just there. And listen the shit not really for me, the shit for white people dawg, cuz they have on celebrities I've never heard on in my life. Like we had on Glenn Powel and I was like who is that, and they was like he was in Top Gun, and I was like never seen it. And th…

No chance I can transcribe this, just go watch and enjoy.

Guess I didn't realize so many daycare centers had been hijacked by Somali pirates. They get a substitute teacher and the teacher's like we're watching Black Hawk Down today and the three-year-old's are like again? We watched that show 5 times last week. I'm kidding those schools don't have kids, they're referred to as child soldiers. I wish every ethnic group would start a daycare center. Like you to a Jamaican Head Start and it's actually just a Head ship. You got to the German daycare center and they're like no it's actually just a camp, and you're like the kids are at camp and you're like no no no, they're running the camp. S…