Kill Tony #792

I did a comedy show for women in recovery. I murdered that crowd. I hope they recover. Black comedians use the N-word a lot. N-word is N-word that. N-word, please. I never use the N-word unless I'm watching the NBA and got money on it. Are you done? Okay, I visit Austin, man. I love Austin food. My favorite dish in Austin is filet mignon. Back in Vietnam, my favorite dish is filet mì nhao.

I also have a Halloween song. It's a... Do you guys know who Big Sean is? Yeah. The rapper. The way he got famous was he rapped to Kanye in a parking lot. and he signed them on the spot when I first moved here I was hoping to meet like Tony Hinchcliffe or Joe Rogan in a parking lot like hey bro what's the deal with autistic retarded trans nigger non-binary Jewish babies Where do I sign? The first time I met a fad kid was in Des Moines Airport in 2005, January 15th at a.m. Central. Never seen a fad kid before? Okay. Thank you.

So my little brother got kicked out of the mili i mean the police academy he quit the military so he got kicked out of police academy for being a sexist just so basically they were doing like a swimming test thing, like a challenge, a competition. And he lost to a girl, but he didn't actually lose. I guess they like changed the standard for the women. So they lower it. So he actually had a better time, but he lost on a technicality and she was kind of giving him shit after and he has an ego. So basically he was getting annoyed and she was like razzing him up and he said, well, it's because you're a girl, which was enough to get h…

So my little brother got kicked out of the mili i mean the police academy he quit the military so he got kicked out of police academy for being a sexist just so basically they were doing like a swimming test thing, like a challenge, a competition. And he lost to a girl, but he didn't actually lose. I guess they like changed the standard for the women. So they lower it. So he actually had a better time, but he lost on a technicality and she was kind of giving him shit after and he has an ego. So basically he was getting annoyed and she was like razzing him up and he said, well, it's because you're a girl, which was enough to get h…

Sir what you do about trying to have a private quiet conversation with the cashier at the grocery store and you like hey i know i said i wanted some bags but now that you rang it up a nigga can't afford the bags uh can you take the bags off and she was like well sir we're just gonna have to pour them out of the bags how are you gonna i said nigga in my arms right you know what i'm saying like i can't afford to i at you that's why i hate when they ask if you want bags at the beginning nigga i thought i was somebody but at the end i realized i was nobody right i had to put the shit on the goddamn treadmill bell then she ring the sh…

I just got fired from my job. I was working as a Chuck E. Cheese mascot. Oh, Cameron, just go out there and pretend you're putting on a rock concert for the little kids. I'll admit, I shouldn't have tried the stage dive. That's my bad. But in my defense, I was putting on an incredible show, and those children were looking mighty strong. They knew what they signed up for the moment they stepped into the pit. I'm telling you, it was crazy. Some of the moms in the audience started lifting up their shirts, flashing me like I was the band Still Panther. I think they were just breastfeeding, actually. But at the end of the night, the p…

Ladies, if you door dash a plan B, you're going straight to hell. You're going to the VIP section of hell with bottle service. Listen, I hope that dead plan B baby is waiting on your ass when you get down there talking about, I can't believe you doing that for Plan B to kill me? And you didn't even tip the driver, you whore? Y'all, during spring break, I was delivering Plan B's like it was Papa John's pizza. This one girl ordered two Plan B's in the same damn week. When she ordered that third Plan B, I knocked on her door. Tell that boyfriend to pull out. You got a butthole, you know, that should have been Plan A. And you wouldn'…

I was a high school principal for 20 years people tell me i have a resting principal's face being principal is wild i had the parents of this 14 year old boy with brain damage come in to see me and the dad said he was beginning to take an interest in girls and the mom said now we can't keep them out of the butter i thought butter was he taking the butter to his room or was he standing in front of the refrigerator kind of hips forward buttocks clenched because if you come home and your tub of margarine has a mystery tunnel in it that's a problem but if your family's stick of butter looks like somebody's drug a warm corn on the cob…

Hola. Happy Independence Day, United States of Jerusalem. It's hard to buy groceries because the prices are always going up. I forgot to meditate. You can join me if you want. Breathe in. Breathe out. Grateful to be in Austin, Texas. Breathe in. Breathe out. Grateful to be at the Comedy Mothership. Breathe in. Breathe out. Grateful in 18 years of marriage, my wife has had one orgasm. Breathe in. Breathe out. Sorry for my legs. So it's hard to buy groceries because the prices are always going up, And I want to say thank you to Donald J. Trump for sending us $90.

I had to talk to this patient the other day. She kept swallowing pennies. I kept her, I was like, why are you wishing well? She's like, no. I saw on TikTok that copper prevents pregnancy. Yeah. I told her, darling, if you're trying not to get pregnant, I think you might be swallowing the wrong thing. As you can tell by my name and my story, I am a doctor. I'm a primary care physician, but I also am a part-time gynecologist. By that, I mean I do IUDs, pap smears, and sometimes I deliver babies. The other day, I delivered this baby, and I walked in the room, and the parents were arguing about whether or not they should circumcise t…

Hello uh multicultural audience good to see ya i wanted to tell you guys uh there is no inward pass you just got to be brave for once in your fucking life gotta take a fucking chance yeah there's no n-word pass sorry guys uh i know that because even black people we can't say the n-word whenever we want can't talk to my grandma like that hey pass the mashed potatoes old nigga come on give me them taters you old ass nigga come on oh i love when you call me old ass nigga You're so sweet. Imagine a black doctor talking to you like that Doc, is my husband going to be okay? Ma'am, this nigga's got And this nigga's got hepatitis, halito…

What's up what's good oh i gotta start my jokes all right uh i i flew here on frontier airlines and i not not recommended i got on that plane it ain't even take off he drove the whole way here i don't have to we had to take off the wings and go through the toll booth you be like we got a bit of turbulence i'm like that's a pothole you know i'm originally from st louis though and every time i go to st louis i go through my old neighborhoods and see how much stuff has changed over the years and i couldn't help but to go past my old middle school and it reminded me of a certain teacher because he was one of them teachers that kept i…

Folks! Recently started learning French guys want to hear some all right The language of love No, Greta Thunberg's over there in France right now, and here's a question. If microplastics are feminizing society, then why doesn't it work on the women too? That was too far for you guys? Okay. I recently had somebody tell me God is a woman. I was like, that would explain a lot. Mostly all the dead babies. You know, churches in this country, they're tax-exempt. But in my opinion, you should have to pay more to fuck kids, not less.