Kill Tony #783

Calm down. Y'all, I just finished my last tour, man. I went to Germany. If you ain't never been to Germany, Germany is nothing like what you expect. So many different races, religions. I'm like, wow, Hitler would be pissed. Come back like, what's he fuck? You have zoos and niggas? And that tour was called Fuck Them Kids. Don't Google that. You don't end up on the list. Y'all got to be careful with y'all. Google almost got me sent to jail. Like my sister called me, he said, bro, I just had my son. But we got him a circumcision and it don't look right to me. I said, I don't remember mine. So I said, I got you. I'm a Google baby pen…

How are you doing tonight, Austin? Hell yeah. When I was 23, I was having bloody shits. I told my primary care, and she said getting a colonoscopy. So I did, and the drink the night before, wasn't even remotely the worst part. I gave them my weight, and they went to town on my fucking asshole. Problem is, anesthetics didn't work, and I was half awake, the whole fucking exam. Apparently, the doctor and I were having a full-blown floor-long conversation, and I don't recall what I said verbatim, but I remember the key words, UFC and Connor McGregor. That was pretty dick pick. He was more into cardio back then. Call me God's books be…

What up, y'all? I've been doing comedy since 1984. In a different venue. For the past 42 years, I've been a professional rodeo clown. Thank you. Traveling full time. I raised my kid in the business. We were Hollywood and Bougarhead. I'm Hollywood Harris. and my little boy named Boogerhead. We traveled all over the country, and I'll tell you, we were in Johnson City. I was in Johnson City just a couple weeks ago. He was at the PBR this weekend. Anybody go? That entertainer out there, Brinson James, that's my little boogerhead. So I tell you what, we've done a lot in rodeo, but this comedy thing, pretty new, standing up here in fro…

I watched a new Moana movie recently. It was pretty good. It was a little girl find precious object in water and put back into a volcano mountain. It is like a Lord of the Rings for people who want to watch something less gay. Ever since producer and ladiesman Harvey Weinstein go to james, in jail. Hollywood movie not as sexy, you know. Moana was on island full of native peoples, and Dwayne Drog Johnson had the best teeth. I don't care that they were fake, I still pay $20 to see them. But YouTube is new Hollywood now. YouTube, Hollywood going into the garbage, YouTubers making movie. I can already hear these sexual allegations. M…

Holy shit, what's up, guys? Did not expect to get pulled up. Alan Fox is a stage name. My actual last name is Kim. And I was really fighting, like, whether or not I want a stage name or whatever I want to go, Alan Kim. Because any time you tell someone that, you want to do comedy as an Asian guy in Austin. People are like, oh, like fucking Hans Kim. Like, it's like, oh, fuck, can't I have a different fucking hero? So, like, every time, like, people are like, hey, like, you want, you like comedy? Like, like, Hans Kim, are you guys cousins? And it's just like, no, bitch. Like, I don't know fucking Hans Kim, you know. It's just like…

Darkstorm Guys can I open up to you I got a big fear of porta potty's And I don't think I'm being Irrational about that I think that's the scariest place To take a shit in your life Like I would much rather get caught Like being seven years old At elementary school taking the shit Because my shoes were down And then everybody just call you shitty beauty boy Until you in middle school Right? Because it's like a porta potty is like terrifying. Like, if you ever go to, like, a festival and all they have is porta parties, that's the only time you start acting like women when you just, you look at your homeboys, like, I got a bee. Can…

What's up, guys? I just got back from taking a shit into Port-a-Potty. I don't know. It felt great. I'm not in the best shape. I've been trying to lose weight recently. I've been doing okay. I lost about 15 pounds last week. Yeah. Thank you. I can't find that dog anywhere. Yeah. And it was my brother's dog, which is, I mean, he's pissed now. Now I don't get to watch his other dog while he's out of town. So, you know, I lost his dog and I lost his trust. But I got my weekends back. It's not all bad. I work at Lowe's. I sell flooring. Didn't know that was a joke. But I basically spend most of my day moving gigantic 50-pound bags of…

I had a friend tell me recently that when he first started having sex, he had to be high. When I first started having sex, I had to be unconscious. Yeah, it's okay, it's okay. To heal from my sexual trauma, I became a stripper. Hear me out. I'd find a guy and convince him that for $500 I could fulfill all of his wishes. I'd get him to that back room, no refunds, sit on his lap. Look him dead in the eyes and whisper, so what's your first memory of shame? Maybe I'd add a daddy in there to keep the heat alive. I don't think this kind of manipulation is cruel, by the way. I know what men really want. I know what they're looking for.…

Hey, before I begin, is there a Glenn here? A Glenn, he's 5'8, brown hair, brown eyes, 180 pounds, no. I had to try. My name's Shane. I'm trying to quit smoking. They say one way of giving up a bad habit, you got to take up a new hobby. I took up searching for missing persons. So if you guys see Glenn, you let him know I'm looking for him. I know it's not a great description. Brown hair, brown eyes, but this is Glenn. He was last seen in 2009. Do I ever think I'm going to find him? Probably not. But if I'm not out there looking for him, who is? Absolutely hilarious. I'll be selling Glenn T-shirts after the show.

Like you said, I'm O.G. Rod Eccles, man. I just turned 60. Yep, starting wearing disposable underwear. Yes, sir. I gave the government 20 years of my life. I did six years in the Air Force. 14 years federal prison. Tired from prison, though. PTSD, post-traumatic sex disorder. Yeah, from no conjugal visits. Just got it here. I went and got me some edibles. I tried some edibles. I said, hey, I want to try some edibles. try some edible. She said, you like cookies? I said, shit, don't that look like I like cookies? She gave me a bag of six cookies. I fucked them up. She said, stop! I said, I'm eating these fucking cookies. She said,…

Fuck, yeah, keep it going. Sorry if it seemed a little weird up here. I was almost late for my time up here. I was just outside smoking a cigarette when they called me. Homeless guy was talking to me. He asked me for some money, which is fine. But I said, sorry, man, I don't have any cash on me. And he said, you got to spend money to make money. So I'm still trying to figure out what the hell that means. He was wearing a New York Jets jersey. That guy's had a tough life. I'm trying to get better at Small Talk. Fellas, you're getting very late to this. You guys ever hear, hey, man, more than two shakes, and you're playing with it.…

I don't have a bidet. Just a dog. School, you know? We don't need technology for everything. A little bit more about me. I love chicks that are into anime. Yeah. Because in my experience, it's always far easier talking your way into the pants of a girl with the mind of a child. Last week I heard this fat chick say she's having a hot girl summer. I was like, I fucking bet.