Shane Camp

I would like to dedicate this to Glenn. In 2009, a man named Glenn went missing. And now I have 14,000 followers on Instagram. How are you? Now, I have written the two most important jokes that I have ever written. They are so important that I have kept them locked away in a safe in my closet next to a couple of Kiwis. Now, I've got cash money, $300. Who likes to gamble? Because the first joke will get a stander. ovation. Any takers? Come on. $300? For this to work, I kind of... Anybody. Anybody? Anybody? $100. $100. You, sir. The first joke will get a standing ovation. The second joke, I dare not tell. It's dangerous, too dangerous. That's why I've kept it locked away in a safe in my closet next to a couple of Kiwis. So I will not tell the second joke. Please, Tony, don't make me tell the second joke. I will get canceled. It's just too much at risk. All right, here we go. Please like me. Dating is hard out there. Am I right? Oh, all the apps. Nobody ever looks like their profile picture. It's especially hard for me. I've been married for 12 years. She just started working from home. Nah, we've been together a long time. I love my wife. If something were ever happened to her, I don't know what I would do. Probably run from the cops, hide out of a buddy's house, wait till the dust settles. Fun fact about my wife, she is deathly allergic to Kiwis. If she even so much as touches a Kiwi, she will die. Which is why I keep a couple of Kiwis in a safe in my closet. You know, for protection when she's on her period. or she gets mouthy. I'll just put them in my pocket and just crisis averted. Oh, now I don't want this to affect your decision to give me a standing ovation, but anyone who gives me a standing ovation will get a Glenn refrigerator magnet. I have enough for everybody. So no one's standing? The joke is over. No one, you get to keep that $100, sir. No, give it to the bartender or something, but I lost Ferrant Square. So that was my joke. Please don't make me tell the second joke. I will get canceled.

Hey, before I begin, is there a Glenn here? A Glenn, he's 5'8, brown hair, brown eyes, 180 pounds, no. I had to try. My name's Shane. I'm trying to quit smoking. They say one way of giving up a bad habit, you got to take up a new hobby. I took up searching for missing persons. So if you guys see Glenn, you let him know I'm looking for him. I know it's not a great description. Brown hair, brown eyes, but this is Glenn. He was last seen in 2009. Do I ever think I'm going to find him? Probably not. But if I'm not out there looking for him, who is? Absolutely hilarious. I'll be selling Glenn T-shirts after the show.