Kill Tony #723

Aah! Vulcan, what the fuck's up? Whoo! My girlfriend, she froze her eggs recently for family planning, right? Turns out that shit cost $14,000, man. I guess these egg prices really are high nowadays. You know what I'm saying? I can tell who's been shopping, dude. I heard a Spaniard guy speak Spanish in Texas, and that shit didn't sit right with me, man. It sounded gay as fuck. -

Oh, my god. I'm adopted. I was raised by white people, but I'm Mexican. I'm not sure if I came with any papers, so my favorite sport is cross-country. Because I'm Mexican, my mom taught me how to mow a lawn before she taught me about safe sex. That's why I have two kids and a bald pussy. Growing up, my dad would punish me by spanking me with his fraternity paddle. Now I can't come without being hazed, but I can read classical Greek. All right, my family, they love Disney World. They've been to Disney World, like, eight times right, my family, they love Disney World. They've been to Disney World, like, eight times. They've even be…

I'm into persistent dogma. Otherwise, I'm just trying to say I'm religious. Really into the idea of group convincing other people that they're always wrong. That's a hard power to pass up. I've also been dabbling in addiction as of lately. have been dabbling in addiction as of lately. When it comes to suspicion coming around, and it always does, because you move funny and you act funny when you're high. I've come up with a master plan. Just gonna blame my siblings.

Guys, I just have some great news. I just had my first baby recently. Well, I don't know what you guys are clapping for. I didn't say I was going to raise him, but I appreciate you guys. She's crazy. She's crazy since I had my son, to be honest. Like, before I had my son, like, I was a raging alcoholic, and now I'm just an alcoholic, because I got to go home to him after this shit, you know? Like, before, I used to, like, I used to get real fucked up, and then I'd have to, like, have to figure out, like, do I want to get fucked up with my homeboys, or do I want to get fucked up with my son? Or should I get fucked up with my son a…

So I was told once you go black you never go back. I was stressed out. I couldn't wait to go back personally. The biggest issue was constantly being compared to where black exes. That's a white guy, that's not where you want to be. So I figured if I can't beat them, I'll join them. So I started fucking fat white girls. The issue is, is I started to enjoy it. And I'm from the Midwest, the casserole capital of America. They're everywhere up there. I had a little too much fun. And that's how I earned the nickname the Fupa Bazooka. Which I don't think my mom was too proud of. Because I caught her Googling if 300 months is too late fo…

Thank you. I'm on Hinge. This girl on Hinge said, don't even bother messaging me if you're not in therapy. So I said, not only am I in therapy, it is court ordered. I'm not even allowed to own a gun in most states. But God bless Texas. I'm not even allowed to own a gun in most states. But God bless Texas. I tried dating a black girl for the first time. I wanted her to like me, you know, but I guess we just weren't, like, super compatible. I remember she asked me, like, do you even know what the G-spot is? I was like, that's where the gangsters be hanging out? Shit. I'd be calling it the OG spot, no, I mean?

How we doing? Good to see you guys, man. Y'all had this girl tell me to come on her C-section scar? Yeah, I don't have a joke. I just want to talk to somebody about it, dude. It was my wife, you freaks. It was my wife, man. My wife's a dirty bitch, dude. That's my baby, man. My wife likes to choke me in bed. Any other creeps? Are you, like, getting choked in bed? Hell, yeah, dude. With that haircut, it looks like this whole table choked you in the Uber on the way over here, dog. What's going on? Don't be ashamed. Listen, my wife chokes me in bed every single night. Yeah, she waits for me to fall asleep and she unplugs my CPAP mac…

I have an English degree from a state school, so it's safe to say that I make more money from doing comedy. Fuck, I am soaking wet now Now I'm butchering everything. All right, my girlfriend's 20 years older than me, and she's my former math professor, which worked out great because my math is shit. And it's interesting dating an older woman because the first time that we slept together, I felt like I was taking a virginity, so I asked her about it. She said, all C-sections. And let me tell you, that pussy was roped off like a museum exhibit. No kids had passed through there messing things up. Nothing had been touched in years. A…

I feel like open mics are a lot like middle-aged sex. They last three to six minutes. And if you go all six, you're probably trying out some new stuff. I got divorced a couple years ago, and I started dating a guy 20 years younger than I am. You guys, when he first brought up birth control, I was like, oh, my God. He thinks I still have a period. That is so flattering. But I can't have any more kids, I have three kids. I have three kids and being a parent as a Gen Xer is kind of tough because we weren't really parented. I realized I was ordering out too much when Uber Eats figured out my custody schedule. Yeah. Oh, and, um... I'm…

My marriage is on the rocks. The other day I saw something no wife should ever see. I walked in on my husband wiping his ass. And that motherfucker was standing up. Why? I don't know. How long has he been doing that? Is that why there's fucking keister cable all on the toilet seat? I've been trying to solve that riddle for six years. And you want to know the fucked up part? Is someone had to have taught him how to do that. No, I saw that form. That form was passed down from generations. He must come from a long line of fucking fecal flickers. Who care about no one but themselves, leaving their crapped crumbs for the rest of us to…

My girlfriend's mad at me because she said, hypothetically, if we had a daughter and our daughter started an OnlyFans, would you be upset about that? And I said, yes, I would. And then she yelled at me. She said, that's because you're not progressive for women. And I said, listen, bitch... It's the opposite. I'm the progressive one. You think our daughter is only good for her big tits. I think my daughter could be whatever she wants to be. My daughter could dream. My daughter could be a lawyer. My daughter could be a pilot for Spirit. My daughter could be a surgeon, not mine, but somebody's. You know, I have big hopes for her, yo…

I was at the nut store. I was buying nuts. I go up to the fucking waiter thing. The woman's like, that's gonna be $100. I was like, bitch, I got fucking bills to pay. Just... You guys ever heard of a fucking punchline? What the... All right, don't worry. You're gonna love this one. Get this. I was at the doctor. Yeah, the fucking doctor. I go up to this doctor. He's like, Timino breaks. You have cancer. You need treatment. I'm like, what are you talking about? I'm a healthy guy. I'm a young boy. He's like, you need treatment. I'm like, what are you talking about? I'm a healthy guy, I'm a young boy. He's like, you need treatment.…

How is it going, Vulcan Gas Company? Weirdly enough, it's actually been two months since I've last been here. And also, it's always so nice when I go up by the broom closet, I think about Han sexually assaulting women up there, so it's always nice. Hold on, I'm actually getting a telephone call. Let me see. Mensa? Hello? Yeah, no, I actually do not want to join. Biden's got terminal prostate cancer. Say what you will about Hillary Clinton, but that bitch is creative. And for those who don't know about mints, I actually have a really high IQ, people. And that was whistle while you twerk, climbing up to the number eight spot once a…