Kill Tony #764

Did y'all know that a company can buy your debt from somebody else? Jefferson Capital emailed me, and they said, hey, we bought your debt from Sprint. You owe us money now. No, nigger, you bought it. That's yours now. If I leave a dog outside and you adopt the dog, it's not on me to feed the dog, right? That's not America. That's your debt now. I know Sprint, nigger. I don't know you. I know Sarah as Sprint. Sarah know why I couldn't pay and why I was putting something on it. Jefferson Capital, nigga, I can't even Google y'all. I'm never gonna, what the, what kind of a stupid-ass company by debt from other people? Niggas that go…

You know how embarrassing it is to be named after a Batman and having to hobble out here like the penguin? Oh man, it's, like it's an interesting life. Like, so many people, like, they assume that they don't know what my politics are going to be. Just, they're like, look at this guy. It's like, he has to lean right. You guys are fun. I became a homeowner recently. Yeah, yeah, thank you, thank you. It's a rab four. Oh, man. I live in it, so it's more of a rab fort, okay? I'm getting older in my life. Like, you know, I've gotten to the point. I think, like, my favorite candy now or cough drops, you know? They're just menthol-flavor…

Oh, my God. Did you guys see that homeless woman with her tits hanging out on 6th Street? Yeah, wearing a mask. Yeah, I said, what are you, a Democrat? So I am originally. I am originally from Iran, Nebraska. Yeah. I was at the airport, and I don't know if you've seen that sign that says no guns allowed in the airplane. Yeah, you know, that same sign in the Middle East reads, no stones allowed in the airplane. But AK-47 is okay, because those virgins can get out of control. I got guns in my head, and it won't go. Spheres in my head, and it won't go. I got guns. And then another sign right under that that reads, Not Responsible fo…

The end of the day, I'm just a hick-ass farmer from Cattle Mills, Texas. And the thing about this, if you know anything about farmers, and the only reason they have kids is to, like, carry on the farm and the cheap farm labor. Well, I was an only child and a fuck-up at that. So when my dad died, that's why the farm fell, and I'm out here doing comedy. that up too. It's crazy though. We were so broke that when my dad died, all I inherited was a porn collection. And here's the thing. I used to buy my dad porn. So I've already seen a third of this collection and I don't have enough bodily fluids for the other two-thirds of this coll…

Here we go. What's up? I'm trying to talk to more women now, but it should be good because I don't have autism because, well, I've never been tested. and I think that's how you beat it. I think that's the only cure I've heard of, but my brother, he got tested, right? So they got him. And you can't give it back. People always, they're like, does he have it full on? I'm like, well, it's not part-time. It's not weekends hit the club Monday, back to puzzles. I did try to get tested, too, when I was in Canada, where it's free there, but they're busy. So they, you know, they phone me back. They're like, sorry, sir. The wait time is sev…

I'm from New York City. I don't know you guys act like you don't fucking understand me. But I can speak any language. I look at somebody who's Spanish. Where are you? I throw one word out you. What's up? Let me get a bacon, egg, and cheese, poppy. You know, people do it to Italians all time. They come to fucking Little Lily and they start acting Italian. The guy's got freckles and shit. Let me get a chicken cutlet, parmesan, fresh mousinel, red peppers. Tell your sister's your son. I said, how you done? That's fucking Norwegian. You know where you never do it, though? You never see nobody go to a Chinese restaurant to act in Chin…

Now, I came out here, I'm a little angry, but I'm not angry with y'all. I don't like the motherfuckers that's outside, so I came up with a few ways. to destroy the world and I only got a minute to do so. The first one would be for you religious motherfuckers. I want whoever you believe in, Jesus, Muhammad, whoever, I hope you come so that way the rest of us can be out here screaming like, holy shit. You can't say that shit because God is here. The second way, you already got Donald Trump in there doing this thing working on Israel. We working on them bombs. That would be funny, but fuck that. We're living that one. Now, the third…

So I'm a man, so I get a little discouraged about the double standard that exists online between men and women. For example, a girl can post herself at the beach wearing a bikini. Gets thousands of likes, hundreds of comments from other girls. Same things like, yes, queen. Sleigh girl. Pop-off diva. I say one innocent comment like, wow, would a babe, and I get blasted? They say creep. They say loser. Or most often they say, wow, dude, you? She's only 11. Can you believe these people? So I don't do many impressions. I do one. This is my impression of a Latina, but not just any Latina. This is one that is both brilliant and gorgeo…

Elon Musk is making Neuralink. so people can talk to their pets. Aw, now they can tell us just how much they love us. I don't know, but I've thought about it fucking a lot. Imagine dog dads having the neuter talk. After a painful conversation about cutting their balls off, they'd be like, please, Poppy, I promise to keep my picker in my pants. Dudes would be so traumatized. They'd never neuter dogs ever again. And the straight population would go, way out of control. And if dogs didn't talk, they can understand TV. Imagine coming home to find your dog watching AOC on C-SPAN. Poppy, she's so smart. Next day, dog's on the doorstep…

Hello. Has anyone got crap nicknames? Show of hands if they have a crap nickname? No? Just me? Fuck you guys. All right. No, I just wanted to say because, like, you know, when you get a crap nickname, like, bugger face or, like, numpty or something horrible like that. Jelly roll. Maybe you could attest. Maybe you could attest. I don't know. But it always comes from the ones you love. You know what I mean? It's never from people you hate. Like my granddad, when I was a fat kid, called me Buster Bacon. Not as bad as my little brother. He called him Adolf. And his justification for all that was is whenever he screamed, he got exactl…

Hello. I'm in a YouTube rabbit hole right now. Anyone else? Yeah. I'm into young bros beating up pedophiles on the internet. Have you seen this? Oh, my goodness. It's phenomenal. The way it works, it's like, young bro starts catfishing a pedophile, meets him out in a Walmart. He's just like, hey, you, you looking for Rebecca? I'm Rebecca Goddard. Just hits him. Bounces off the chips aisle. He's like, let me alone. He's running through. He crashes through a giant soda tower that looks like the University of Texas. And I like these videos, but I started to feel guilty when you find out that these guys, they have autism or mental di…

I recently learned... I don't think I just have to stand up here and make no jokes and you guys would all be cracking up. I mean, this is great. Honestly, I love this. I recently learned there's some jokes you can't make in stand-up comedy. Last week I did this joke about beating my girlfriend. This guy knows what's going on. And now I can't fucking find her. I'm not sure who went and told her, but somebody gave her the courage to leave, and now I can't. I'm still trying to figure out how she chewed through the chains. That beaver-toothed bitch fucking... She nibbled away to my heart. I don't know what else to tell you. Seriously…

Just yesterday, you guys know that America raised its age limit to 42 for the draft. and prior marijuana convictions don't matter. Wow, what an army you're building. And so 40-year-old losers. You know, in Estonia, we don't have any limits. We have compulsory military service. We're too small to pick. Everyone goes. Wheelchair people, we send them. Oh yeah, we put a grenade in your lap and down syndrome people, we send them. Send them. Oh yeah, we have a whole squad. Estonian Special Forces. You think Special Forces means somebody rappels down and has night vision nights? It's Nicholas with a soft serve ice cream. We send them! W…