Ethan Griggs

The end of the day, I'm just a hick-ass farmer from Cattle Mills, Texas. And the thing about this, if you know anything about farmers, and the only reason they have kids is to, like, carry on the farm and the cheap farm labor. Well, I was an only child and a fuck-up at that. So when my dad died, that's why the farm fell, and I'm out here doing comedy. that up too. It's crazy though. We were so broke that when my dad died, all I inherited was a porn collection. And here's the thing. I used to buy my dad porn. So I've already seen a third of this collection and I don't have enough bodily fluids for the other two-thirds of this collection. I'll be damned if I'm going to rehab for masturbation addiction. That's like getting cancer from vaping. That's just fucking embarrassing. Like, can't even raise my hand because it's busy. Like, shit. But I'll tell you what, though, I don't... I don't think... I don't think I'll make it in stand-up comedy, though. Man, I had a very untromatic childhood. Like, I didn't get molested because I wasn't in the church or the Scouts. And the only relative that might have molested me was too busy fucking goats to give me the time of day. I can't compete with sheep's pussy, nor it I want to.