Kill Tony #748

I was walking late at night And I saw these two women walking down the street and one of 'em looked at her friend and said, Oh my God, that guy is so creepy. But the other lady, the other lady looked at her friend and said, it's not like he can catch us. Anyways, I turned around, I fucking stopped. The bitch was right. I couldn't catch her. She was so fucking fast, uphill. Not a good advantage. I was talking to a trans woman, don't ask why. And she asked me, she said, Mason, do you believe in trans women? Do you think they're real? And I was like, I view trans women the same, same exact way. I view God only in a time of dire knee…

I think that people need to stop making fun of Lizzo. I mean, she's one of the most popular artists of our generation. And I just heard that she's starring in a new anime show. I'm not sure if y'all have heard of it. It's Avatar, the last chair Bender. I think it's funny that people use the same word of the thing that turns them on also as an insult. Like a girl will be like, I need some dick right now. And then she'll also be like, that guy's being such a dick. But then guys will do it too. They'll be like, you know, I can't wait to get some pussy tonight. And then they'll be like, bro, why are you being such a pussy? But I mean…

Let's go Texas. Texas. Anu. Yeah. They fucked up my parlay though. I kind of had to win. It ain't gonna lie, yo man. Man, my brother's getting married next week to a woman. Good for him. A black woman. Shut your bitch ass up man. What the fuck? Alright, now took me a whole two days right there. Joke motherfucker. Big ass. Damn. Anyway, we went to the motherfucking bachelor party the other night and I got real wasted. I ain't even gonna lie. The dancer was dancing And I went to give her $20 And I threw up on a, I mean I didn't, I threw up on a pussy but like I caught it in my mouth And I, And I squirted in her pussy. I don't give…

I'm trying to undo my circumcision. This they stole. They stole. They, it's gone. I think I still have enough left for a two and a half or three skin. I think that is the N word for vaginas and queef would be the outward. I love eating pussy. It's like a board game or a game I never get bored of specifically. It's like battleship, you know I CS six, nothing. Cool. Your turn. Necessity. They say necessity is the mother of invention. She must have been desperate or drunk the night roller blades were conceived. I'm not sure who the father would be in that analogy, but I'm sure he wonders whether or not his son is gay. Okay.

I had a great Thanksgiving this year. I found a Native American guy on Tinder. I celebrated the traditional way by giving him syphilis. It's hard to date as a trans person because here's the thing, straight men view trans women the same way they view Taco Bell. They wanna win their drunk. They're ashamed of what it does to their asshole. Dude, I love fucking with straight guys because sometimes they don't realize I'm trans. You know the name for those type of people. Retarded. So sometimes they'll come up to me and they'll be like, yo, can I buy you a drink? And I look 'em dead in the eyes and I'm just like, Nah man, I ain't fuck…

I killed Tony. I was, I ate a edible the other day And I started watching The Blindside. What the fuck is that movie? Alright. Nobody ever told me this movie's gonna be bullshit when I started it. So you seen the blindside, you know what I'm talking about? So all the blindside was supposed to be about, was this dude named Michael or is a real person and he played football, but he was a homeless teen in Memphis and he got adopted by a white family and they get a nigga white privilege and he made it to the NFL. Alright? And that's a beautiful movie. Alright, that's a beautiful movie. That is the sequel to remember The Titans. It's…

As y'all can tell, I'm used to pulling out. So yeah, my, my name's Mitch. It's like a bitch but with an M. That was my nickname all throughout school. And then finally I moved outta my dad's house. Yeah. He, he taught me that my name was, my nickname was a ham me down from my mom. Right. But it's cool because my mom taught me that my nickname or that my dick is a hand me down from my dad because it's small. Yeah. My bad. Just a little nervous. We got this though. Boys and girls speaking of which, I don't have much luck with the ladies so I don't know why. But my parents could decide on one thing and it was that I needed a hat. So…

A lot of people can't tell by looking at me, but I am a veteran. I used to let the crowd guess what branch I was in, but with every guest my feelings kept getting hurt more and more. So I'll just tell y'all I actually served six years in high school. JRTC. I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding. I was only in high school for four years. No, I should also mention after high school I went and served in the Marine Corps for four years. It's called Rah. Yeah, I was five three when I went in and then I came out at five one. So I lost two inches where it really mattered. There's a lot of disadvantages to being short, but some advantages to…

How are you guys doing? I am very, very nervous this evening. I've just been informed by my wife that we're expecting a child, let me finish. We're expecting a child to come out with some serious allegations against me. And I think this child has a pretty strong case. I am just kidding. I'm not married, But I would get married. I mean, I've been looking for some love out here. It just seems like the women here, you know, they're older women, you know, junior high, high. Hey, wait, wait a second. I was, I gonna tell those jokes, but I actually am looking for a woman. I'm looking for a woman. You know, she has to, you know, listen,…

Woo. Thank you. I, so I raised my kids in the suburbs of San Antonio and when my daughter first started dating, one of her friends let it slip that her boyfriend was in a gang. I said, no, he is not. He lives in a cul-de-sac. First time I met the kid, he was, I looked at him, I was like, who are you repping the lactose intolerant kings. Hey, take your weed out and get the fuck outta here. I know. Like, look, all I'm saying is if you can't process dairy or certain multigrains, I'm not afraid of you. Yeah. Fuck off Tanner. I will end you with a milkshake and a bagel right now. Like, And I see this all the time and it needs to stop.…

Going over time for me. Thank you. I was about 11 years old on a play date with my friend Kyle. The first time I walked in and my mom having sex. It's my fault. I was on my way to the kitchen. Real private place. The Rice Krispies were taking a while. I'll never forget I was walking down the hallway. I turned the corner. A small detail, tiny detail. There's only two adults in the house. My mom and Kyle's mom. That's it. So I, I turned the corner. I'll never forget true story. I see my mom pinning this woman to the wall. Left hand throat. So I turn the corner and she's pinning this woman to the wall. Left hand throat, right hand t…

I told Red Band about Black Friday and he said they already get February now Friday. I feel like the results of my polygraph tests are gaslighting me. The other day I watched a David Lynch film dubbed in Portuguese and it finally all makes sense. A doctor ran some tests on Kim Kardashian and concluded that she has low brain activity. A few years ago that same doctor ran some test on LeBron James and concluded that he's black.