Kill Tony #736

Okay, thank you. I need a paralegal. pair of legal tiddies to suck on. Should have saved that for the end. My check engine light's been on for a few months. And I feel like the check engine light has very feminine energy. It's like something's wrong. What's wrong? Well, if you cared, you would already know. My girlfriend thinks the godfather is too long, but her story about when her co-worker was bitchy to her two years ago is the perfect length.

Do any of you suffer from depression, anxiety, mental health? Make some noise, yeah? That sucks, I don't. Just to perfectly normal. 37-year-old overweight transgender comedy prodigy. Killing the game. I am, now a friend of the show and my 400-pound friend, Sally Contreras, she struggles with her mental health and she can fight it in me one day. She said, I'm chalking myself into a psych ward because I'm not feeling well. And I told her, that is good because you're taking action. She goes, people keep telling me that. telling me that, but what I want to do is walk my ass on the oncoming traffic. I told her, girl, don't you dare sa…

Folks, been vaping, but it's just not as satisfying as cigarettes. You ever try putting one of these out on your kid? Nothing. No reaction. Generation soft is a big reason why. Other day, my friend told me Tiger Woods is Native American. I was like, no shit, his name's Tiger Woods. Dad's named Bear Forest. Gonna watch what you say now, though. Like, we all know you're not allowed to say the word f*** anymore. So now I just ignore, my little brother. To be on the right side of history. and you shouldn't call them midgets anymore either no they prefer the term Mexican women oh yes midgets the original pocket pussies or as pedophile…

Jill Biden is a historic figure. She was a first lady and a fake doctor. And during the Biden administration, she actually took over presidential duties, historically becoming the first fake female president of the United States of America. The Biden administration was kind of like America's next top model, but for female presidents, with different random women all taking turn. trying out his power. It was a shit show, and Jill won. So speaking of America, I came home the other day, and I found my cleaner eating my salad. She was in the kitchen, hunched over, eating out of the takeout box, and I walked in, and then she, like, fre…

So I'm 45 years old, and on top of looking like Ian Financial Ruin, the thing that sucks the most for me is all the things that I loved when I was a kid are ruined. You know what I loved? Bill Cosby. And I know that shit sounds mental to say nowadays, but like I grew up with Bill Cosby. Watch all of his shows. Kids say the darned his things. Fat Albert, the Cosby Show. And all of these shows had lessons that taught you how to be a good person. ironically from Bill Cosby, you know. But like he was my hero, right? So when the allegations came out, I couldn't believe it. I was like, that's America's dad. And the evidence came out an…

Hey, what's up? It's good to be here. It's good to be here. I got kind of nervous when all those Democrats left the state earlier this month because usually when politicians leave Texas, it means there's a natural disaster coming. A lot of people have a Nancy Pelosi stock tracker. I have a Ted Cruz weather app. Whenever he's in Cancun, you know how to layer up. Yeah, I have a Jewish country. girlfriend I found out, so that helps with the weather thing. My girlfriend is Jewish, which means we're going to have Asian Jewish babies. There's just going to be lines of computer code that reset your credit score. But yeah, just a differe…

My girlfriend's a type one diabetic, and a type 2 fucking bitch all the time. I think we should start thanking the spouses of veterans for their service. For real, guys, they're warriors. I mean, could you imagine hearing a firework and just getting the shit kicked out of you? For absolutely no reason. Fuck the troops, dude. Fun fact, I don't know if you guys know this. Hennessy is made from grapes. That's fucked up. That's like light beer being made from ranch. You know exactly who's drinking it. Ha ha. Auto-correct can be confusing. Autocorrect can be confusing. For three months, I thought my dad was scared in ninjas. Which, lo…

Hey, so I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. I got home from work and walked into our house because we lived together. And I saw her making love with a man in my living room. So I bolted up, and I said, What's the big idea? No, I mean, really, what's the big idea? I mean, what the fuck? No, no, no, no, no. What the fuck? Fuck, fuck. Anyway, speaking to black guys, All right I mean, what the fuck No, my cousin's Zane, a black guy And she's having a baby soon And yeah, okay That's it No, no, no. You go And I'm like, what's that baby gonna be like, you know? Like Mueh Wheeh And y'all Where do my baby's that? Mueh Can I get a choco…

Well, ladies and gentlemen, you're in a four trees. So let's see how it goes. Austin, Texas. How's it going? RFK, it's on fucking sight. Without these food dyes, how am I going to know which M&M I want to fuck now. Jokes on you. It's the yellow one. I love that big dumb slight. Hey, y'all. Give it up, Mother Chip. I know this is a crowd of true, blue, red, 40-blooded Americans. Am I goddamn right? No, these music biopics, they're crazy. They're making like a Bruce Springsteen one. What, in 20 years, the clone of Timothy Shalame is going to star in a One Direction movie that gets nominated for Academy award where we learned what d…

How are you guys doing tonight? Good? Yeah, I'm doing good myself, all things considering. I'm single. I miss my ex-girlfriend because I miss doing chick shit. I love chick shit. Most guys in this room are like football, cars. Me, I'm like Hobby Lobby. Bath and Body Works. Love all this shit. I try to convince my guy friends to go with me, but they all just think I'm trying to fuck them. They're like, yo, let's go to a strip club. I'm like, that sounds fun. But you know what sounds fun? A farmer's market. Let's go get some locally sourced honey, dude. Some fresh produce, dude. I think of that strip club, right? I like strip clubs…

I know I looked like I got turned out out of Planet Fitness. It was a YMCA, fuck you, for real. I got PTSD, preconceived tendency to suck dick, and it's a disorder. And it's hereditary, some of you hoes better watch out. They call me Kronis the way I be eating kids. Pause, pause, what the fuck? That's a Greek joke. They call me Percy Jackson, the half-blood f*** it, for real. They call my throat Slitterbond the way kids be sliding down it. But it's a magic school. on my tongue. Come on the magic school bus. I don't know. Stop sucking dick behind the school bus again. I can tell there's some closeted energy. I can feel it in the c…

Sounds like you guys have been having fun, but if I could bring it to the mood down for a little bit, I want to talk about a difference between black people and white people. Like black people drive past a plantation and think about the years of horrific injustices put upon us and just how it impacts us today. Just the number of souls lost to the annals of time crushed under an oppressive system. And then white people drive past that same place and go, what a nice place to have a wedding? Why don't we get married here? Babe, let's do a silly one. Put the shackles on me. That's crazy. I don't know. Ma'am, have you ever been to a w…

Okay, spoiler alert, he rapes a lot of inmates, it's graphic. The sun has gone bad, I repeat, the sun has gone bad. That is a guy who's never seen black people. If anybody ever hacked or figured out my social security number, I would be screwed because they would know my password to literally everything. In high school, Redband was so racist. likely to secede. Yeah, from the union. During school photos, they'd be like, Red Band, you can't wear that hood.