Kill Tony #758

Happy Black History Month. We've got Darnell here, they got that light-skinned feller painting, and they got D-Madness dressed like a butler. Unreal, what a trait. Before we get started on it, he's not, listen, I don't care what you are. Okay, it's your right, as human being, Whatever you do don't impede on what someone else does, that's your right as a human being. Look, I don't care if you're gay. I don't care if you're trans. I don't even care if you're black. Your body, your choice, you know what I'm doing? And you all are like, well, black's not a choice. Well, they choose to be that loud at the movie theater, don't they? Li…

I found out recently I'm one-eighth black. It's our month now. Now this doesn't mean that I can say any of the fun words, but I sure have been thinking about it. I lost my virginity with a soft dick. Y'all might be thinking, wow, that's got to take a hog to work, right? You'd be wrong. All it takes is a girl that believes deep in and keeps drinking after she pukes on you. I was 17, she was 22, she knew what she wanted. Between me and whiskey, though, we figured it out. It's all right. All right, I wish that got bigger pipe, but thank you all so much.

So I don't think Stephen Hawking fucked any kids. Because how? There's only one thing he could have done. Only one thing that makes any sense. He'd line them up on the ground. put a ramp on either side and turned his chair up to full speed and he has the science to make it happen. I could just imagine his tires creating fire tracks. And I'm pretty sure that's how his face got that way. It's just the wind resistance. You know what I mean? He's just like, that's my set.

The white woman is important that I say that part for the story. And as I was getting to know her, she was telling me how she was in a gender pro. and how she identified as a they, them, which is a crazy sentence to hear. But I'm a super chill guy. I didn't overreact. I'm like, if that's how you choose to live your life, I call you what you want to be called. But I did let them know before we go out, I can only afford to pay for me and you. And if that's going to be a problem, we shouldn't do this, because they could come, just make sure they bring money. For real. Because if they order anything off of this, mean, they're going t…

Hey, what's up, guys? I'm not from Texas. When I first moved here, I thought I was going to have to learn, like, the Texas lingo, right? So I started saying things like, howdy, I reckon, and y'all after somebody would say the N-word. Yeah, I learned pretty quick. That's not how people talk in Austin at all. No, people here, they say things like woke and progressive. And if you live here long enough, you'll say the same kind of stuff too. Like the other day, this person walks by and I turned to my buddy and go, damn, dude, check out the ass on that day, them. Now, a little about me, I have a pocket pussy. Yeah. I'll be honest with…

I was talking to my black friend the other day on the phone, and he was ignoring me. It was really pissing me off. So I was like, you know what, man? Fuck you. Go to hell. You know what? Go to Black Hell. That got his attention. Yeah, he turned around real quick. He'll, Black Hell is crazy, bro. Is it, you guys think hell's not segregated? It's run by the fucking devil. Like the most evil guy of all time? What do you think black cow would be like just more every day finding out you are the father forever? Baby's name is smoke detector, always needs batteries, you know? There's gay hell. There's two levels of gay hell, there's top…

No way. No way. No way. That's what I said when my masseuse told me she farted in my mouth while I was asleep. I was, uh, I've been on the road with the counting crows for about 35 years. You see a lot of stuff, you get a lot of, uh, all things get you down, get you tense. So I try to get a massage from time to time. And I went to this, I used to get a massage from this girl. She, uh, started having too many seizures, so, had to stop using her. But, uh, so I got a new girl, bigger girl. Fat, you could say, right? And, uh, while that would push, push up on top of me, I was get a massage, get relaxed, fell asleep. And I wake up and…

I was watching Batman. I'm not thinking, you know? Because Bruce Wayne, his alter ego, is Batman. inspired by his paralyzing fear of bats. So I guess then my superhero name would be Black Man. Uh, man, okay. And considering how many of these superheroes get their power from radiation, not nearly enough of them are Japanese, uh, on Asian jokes are short-sighted, and... What do I know? Until Oppenheimer came out, I thought Nagasaki was about black blow jobs. Uh... Speaking of... speaking of overreactions, Hamas really brought in knife to a fucking space laser fight? Huh? Holy shit. Out of control. I'll never understand how conflict…

I go do a show in Marble Falls, Texas. It's not a real place even though I went there. And when the sun went down, I looked at my roommate. I said, I think it's time for us to go. I think that's the rules out here. And so we start driving back. And the shit looked on the way. There's no like street lights. It looked like where you meet the devil and that nigger charged, like he challenged you to play guitar for your soul. So when we're driving, I looked at him and I said, yo, I got to pee. I'm about to pee in this. Gatorade bottle and then he looked at me his white ass said I'll just pull over no nigger you're not all right we're…

I got a confession to make, guys. The first time I ever heard of LGBTQ plus, thought it was like a fancy way of saying, I want everything on my burger. Turns out it's a fancy way of saying, you love everything up your ass. Yeah. I'm from the East Coast and I'm a foodie. So the first time I heard of Grindr, I thought it was an app for sandwiches. Turns out it's for dicks. Yeah. So I came in the dude's mouth. I was like, where's the sandwich? When does it show up? I'm way hungrier and a lot more yay now. Yeah, I really didn't know that guy was gay until about a week later. He texted me, he was like, do you want to go to a Dallas Co…

I like to eat pussy. But don't get me confused with these young dudes eating ass calling their groceries. That's not groceries. That's chittles and you niggas need to stop. That is chittles. I think a lot of dudes eat ass because they still don't know where the clitoris is, but I do. And because of that, I have two rules, ladies. Like, the first one is if I can smell it before you take your pants off, I'm not eating that shit. And they always get mad at you when you tell them that they pussy stink like they don't know. Like, but you knew that pussy smell like a 91 degree day in Puerto Rico before you. you came over here. And the…

So a couple months ago, I got a Home Depot to look for a dude. And he didn't really come with a green card, but a really long kink card. So we started dating. And things have been going pretty good. good. The other night we're having a really intimate, deep discussion. He's given me the reassurance that you want and that you need a new relationship. He's like, I love you forever and ever and always. Amen. I'm like, chingau, dude, did you just bring your faith into this? How co-chino are you? And later that night, he's actually trying to put me on the dinner table and can you blame him? You know, boy's got to eat. And he's getting…

Folks What if I told you there was a place where brilliant minds could collide where you could be drowning in pussy even if you're only the size of big mic celebrities around every corner and women that want you bad nothing but not and tense, folks, would you be interested in that? Well, welcome to Epstein's Island. I'm sure you won't forget it. I'm trying not to get sued here, so everything I say is alleged. It's always perfect weather. I wonder who controls that. Probably the guys with the beady eyes and one-fourth of a hat. If Bill Clinton comes in under four minutes, minutes there's four more weeks of winter but he only comes…