Kill Tony #712

I'm William Montgomery twerking my ass off, and y'all can't even make it rain? That is the disgruntled undercover cop at an all-black club. This next one is a gastroenterologist about to retire, but he finds out he has one last colonoscopy to perform. Man, I'm getting too old for this shit! Okay, I was going for a Danny Glover lethal weapon on that one. Fuck. An Air India flight had to turn around and go back to the airport because it smelled so bad in the cabin, and people were surprised by that. Okay, that's my time. Thank you.

I don't know about you guys, but I'm kind of tired of divorced people getting remarried, acting like I should give a fuck again. You need to come to the rehearsal. You got to come to the rehearsal. Bitch, it's your third wedding. The fuck are we rehearsing? You've walked down the aisle to living on a prayer three times. Third wedding. The fuck are we rehearsing? You've walked down the aisle to living on a prayer three times. Different groom, same finger, figuring the fuck out. But Cameron, I know it's important. You got to fit it into your schedule. You got to fit it into your schedule. How about you fit into your first wedding d…

What's up, y'all? If I kill myself and find out reincarnation's real, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. You know? I don't know if you guys... I don't know if you guys can tell, but I live in a van, right? And ever since I started living in a van, I came out as a hobosexual, right? Meaning that I sleep with women for their bed, right? I'm always on Tinder trying to find a place to stay. And they always say the same thing, right? They're always like, you just want to fuck me and leave, right? And I always have to go, oh, I'm for sure staying. You know? My kink is shower sex. Oh. I mean... Um, it is pretty, like, sketchy, dating women,…

Hey, I started stand-up a few years ago after my mom passed away. And the first thing my dad bought with the life insurance money was an orange pool table. Pretty cool purchase, but that was the first time I realized a smart parent died. And I guess there were some signs that my dad was like a dumb guy. I didn't realize kind of how out of touch he was until he started dating again. I got him his first iPhone and he got him one of those old person dating apps. I think it was called like R-Time or Time's Up or something. And he immediately started getting spammed by bots. or Times Up or something. And, uh... He, uh... He immediatel…

I got fired from Chick-fil-A. Apparently ladies didn't like the way I was saying, my pleasure. You know, I've never been able to coast on the way I look. You know, I was never that hot, but I'm interesting, you know. I can make girls think. I make girls think stuff like, Hey, is that guy following me? One time, this girl getting into my car for a date, she agreed to. First thing she said was, Just so you know, I have pepper spray in my purse. It's like, Just so you know, you shouldn't tell me where it is.

I'm a little bit shy person, especially when I'm talking to girls. And reason why is that, because I'm the nicest bit shy person, especially when I'm talking to girls. And reason why is that because I'm the nicest person in the world. The other day, I was walking down the street with my homies. And all of a sudden, we came across with this fat ass. And all my homies went crazy. They were like, oh, I want to hit that ass. And all my homies went crazy. They were like, oh, I want to hit that ass. I want to hit that ass. But not me. I was actually seeing a future with that fat ass. I was seeing every sunset and sunrise with that fat…

All right, how y'all doing tonight? Good? Fuck yeah. Give it up for my partner in crime there. Uh... Uh... Uh... [sucking dick] of his girlfriend sucking a dick. I know, man, the fucked up part about it was the dick was mine. I know, man, hear me out. Oh, here's where the shit got fucked up. I had to then sit there and listen to this motherfucker's critiques on my dick as if it wasn't mine. The motherfucker was spazzing, too. He was like, How the fuck she gonna cheat on me with that? My dick way bigger than his. And I'm just looking like, I mean, n*gga gonna cheat on me with that? My dick way bigger than his. I'm just looking lik…

I said, it look gay as hell. Cut it off, you bitch n*gga. That's what I said. I did y'all a favor. He did a good job. I'm proud of him. Uh, let's talk about Trump. Uh, he's funny. He's funny to me. I'm not a political, I'm not very political, but it's very funny that he hired a 13-year-old kid who would cancel to be the head of the Secret Service. That's funny as fuck to me. He likes it a lot. That's a... It's funny, because my grandma weird, because she weird about it, because the kid is black, she don't know how to feel. I was like, Grandma, how do you feel about Trump hiring a black kid to be head of the Secret Service because…

What should I say? Hey, uh, so I started working at a restaurant, and I'm annoyed with my manager because she doesn't say anything to the little kids running around. And I used to be a corporate manager and I would lie so I'd be like hey you guys we don't want the kids running around because we have some broken glass or hey y'all we just had a service dog eat a piece of Oreo cheesecake and diarrhea all over the main dining room. We're gonna want to keep the kids right here. Hey, y'all. Our buster is a registered sex offender. And he's really horny. And your kids are super hot. So we're just gonna want to keep them neatly stowed r…

Okay, this is great. Where my white men at? Okay, great. I think the funniest thing about World War II, you guys love it, I think the funniest thing is how adorable Japanese people became after. Like these people used to be scary. They used to be like kamikaze pilots and samurais. And then, afterward, they were like, "'Kamichiwa!' We're cute now. I could say that, though. I could say that because I'm a weird black person. And everyone knows all weird black people are Japanese for some reason. I don't know why. But I am gonna name my baby Super Kawaii. Super Kawaii Leonard. Okay, great, you guys watch basketball. I think the secon…

I hope all y'all doing well. I'm feeling great. My wife and I just finished adopting an at-risk youth. Yeah, we got a little crack baby at the crib and shit. Every morning before work, I pick him up, take a deep breath, get a little contact high, shit better than coffee, man. I do have a question. I'm gonna ask this side of the room, because some of y'all look like y'all grew up in the system. Um... What's the return policy on an orphan? Anybody know? Is it 30 days? Do I still need the receipt? At this point, I'll take store credit. This little nigga got to go. They told me he was refurbished good as new. Hey, he came out that bo…

It was Ash Wednesday recently. I couldn't make it to church so I just spilt my grandma's remains on my forehead - cuz she's cremated, it's the only ash I have. But anyway, I'm a lover, not a fighter. So when someone tries to fight me, I try to have sex with them. I'm like, let's do that fist another way. Let's meet at the middle, you know, because the fist is... Okay. Anyway, no, I don't think I can fight many people. I think I got old people and children, so if you're under 80 or over 80, stay the fuck out of my way.

Hell, fuck yeah, dude. Oh, my fucking God. I want to say this, I did my time like a man. Fuck yeah, dude, oh my fucking God. I wanna say this, I did my time like a man. That's right, take that, Britney Griner. Couple things about prison you should know in case you decide to go. Farting is considered a form of flirting. And I had to learn that the hard way. When I let one rip, and I heard a dude way down the way, he said, hey, I hear you calling my name down there. Yeah. And if you didn't laugh at that joke, I guess that's one of those moments in life where you should have been there. Because that shit was funny, but I was scared.…

A friend of mine got cheated on by his girl. Very sad. And he found out that she cheated the only way men find out that they've been cheated on. She told them. Let's be honest, men ain't figuring shit out. We don't notice when you get a new haircut. You think I'm going to notice a sparkle in your eyes? You think I'm gonna notice an overall glow about you? Dude, I can't imagine how easy it is to cheat on a guy. I could come home, the other guy is in the closet, smell of sperm is all across the apartment. I'll still be like, baby, what you cooking? Is that full? You could have the other guys come fall out of your pussy. I'll be lik…