Kill Tony #730

Oh. I, I moved to Texas about two years ago and before I moved here, I, I was, I was living with my grandma and I, I liked living with my grandma a whole lot. But, but I had to move out. It was time I had to move out. 'cause you know, me and grandma, we, we would fight me and grandma. We, we would, we would tussle, you know, like she was a baker. She liked to bake like cookies and cake and brownies and everything. That was good. And I liked it a whole lot. And I would eat it up too fast. And she would tell me how it pissed her off. And she would say, stop doing that. It pisses me off. And I tried, I tried to control myself, but I…

Hey it's a me. Tony Pepperoni. Hey, what do you call it when the Wright brothers do nine 11. The wrong brothers and Mama Mia. When I say Mama Mia, you say Papa Pia. Mama Mia. Papa. Hey, what's a fat lady's favorite computer? Adele or Mama Mia. Hey, how is anxiety's like vaping? Just 'cause you're not ashamed of it, doesn't mean it's not gay. What was that say? Some racist jokes. Okay. What do you call a Chinese guy with a lot of money? Cha-ching. I, what do you call an Italian with herpes? A Tony Pepperoni.

How the fuck is everybody doing? This is a great evening. Glad to fucking be here guys. Fucking band. Amazing. All right, so let's start off. I'm fucking Jew. All right. I'm a German Jew to be exact, so it's very confusing for me a lot. Sometimes I'm like, the other times I'm like, see Kyle. It's very, Hey, I could fucking say it guys. Anyway, here's one for you. What do you get when you cross a Jewish guy? Nothing. Christianity. Bring it back. Okay, so we have any animal lovers out here? Everybody loves animals. You got a fucking dog? Come on. You got a dog? Yeah. See dogs. Cat, you're good. So I, I got a black cat, black rescue…

You know how transvestites do that thing where they tuck their dicking balls between their legs, make it look like they might have a pussy. I was wondering what do old transvestites do with all that saggy, stretchy scrotum skin. My knees are shaking. Oh, that saggy scrotum skin hanging out on his, someone told me they stuff it up her ass. What I heard, but I thought I was high. And I thought, what the fuck would they do if they farted with that giant skin bag inside? They'd blow a giant fucking balloon out their as then I thought, well what if they ate like a fuck load of beans and just put some in coli into it? Man, they, they c…

Austin, motherfucking Texas. How we doing? Little about me? I'm a 10 year manager of a grocery store in Pittsburgh. What the fuck? Oh, I got fucking sixties. I'm gonna fuck this whole thing up. All right. I got 60. Like I might have did some worse shit than him. I have an 11-year-old son and I accidentally shown him all the porn in my phone. Austin, I'm picking him up from summer camp two weeks ago. We're driving home. He sees the Tesla cyber truck. Dad, I heard those are expensive. Let me have your phone. I hand it to him. It's quiet. Dad. I look over massive amounts of blow jobs on my phone. Full panic. Full panic. I don't even…

Hey, I like how Texans will make fun of liberal cities, but when they jerk off, they set their VPN to California. That's gay as fuck, bro. I have a gun not on me. Somewhere in the room. Lemme go there. I don't even leave my door unlocked anymore. 'cause I want to use it like, oh, is that my best friend I invited an hour ago? Or the greatest moment of my life? I have an AR 15. I can shoot 600 yards. I can, I can't even imagine being mad at someone that far away. Hey, you better stop doing that in 500 yards. All right. That's my time. Thank you so much.

Fuck. I hope this is real. What a hilarious prank that would be, Chris. It's your big break. It's KILL TONY. It's an empty warehouse. Nobody's here. Oh shit. All I did, all I did before I went blind was jerk off and play video games and I, and then God was like, that's enough. Yeah, I'd give you a gift and you wasted it, son. I'm gonna let you guys in a little secret. I'd do it all again tomorrow. I wouldn't have changed the goddamn thing. Dude, give it up for my roommate for bringing me out here. Dude. He's a way better roommate. My last roommate sucked. He just didn't really care about personal space. He would always hang out i…

My dad would always tell me alcohol will never fix anything. Then why did you carry beer in your toolbox? Yeah. Yeah. You didn't think I noticed. Yeah, I was doing comedy. Comedy's tough as a comedian. I haven't gone on the road, but I'm pretty close to being on the street. Hey, I wish a story really did come with two sides because I would love to read a book with mashed potatoes and slaw. Hey, what'd you enjoy about Hoka Berry Finn The Gravy? Hey, are you hungry? Cool. Let's go to the library. All right, thank you.

How's it going? A lot of my friends say that I'm really hard to get gifts for. I don't think it's that hard to hop online and Google things that to get for people with yellow teeth. That was an incredibly fake smile. Sorry about that. I'm from Chicago. I'm in the dating scene here, which is pretty good. Took a chick out the other day, which is awesome. Opened up the car door for her and she's like, look at this. Chivalry is not dead. I'm like, easy bitch. My door sticks. I gotta climb in first. All right. Chivalry. I don't know if you're cold. The window works just fine, but that's awesome. Really big fan of these ven, these waym…

I recently dated a girl with an ego so big that she would yell out her own name in bed. It used to mess with me 'cause it wasn't a very feminine name. Like who names their daughter? Rape. Let's get to some personal stuff. All right. When I was six years old, I told my parents I figured out that I was adopted. My mom was like, who told you? I was like, who told me? My sister's Asian. What am I One of the slow kids? Even at age six, you know two whites don't make a Wong. And then after the divorce they just like gave up on parenting. Like I don't know how to do anything. Right. I kill so many house plants. I call my home plant pare…

So my wife, she's been telling me for a while that I need to watch this Gypsy Rose documentary. And so eventually I finally caved in. I watched it. If you don't know Gypsy, she suffered from Munchhausen by proxy. Her mom, she fabricated a bunch of diseases for her and pretty much kept her imprisoned in her own home. Didn't let her go anywhere. So eventually Gypsy got tired of it. She went online, she got a little retarded boyfriend and well, they both ended up going to prison 'cause he stabbed her mom to death to set her free. And that story was so crazy to me. It blew my mind 'cause it had me sitting there thinking 34 years. Wel…

Yeah. Marcos. Yeah. I don't know. I'm feeling cute. I might come later. Yeah, with a fist full of cocoa butter in the mirror. All right. I dunno guys, anybody ever break a long no fab streak by beating every side of your dick raw? That's a question for the ladies. I spent 22 days, no fab. Just so I can Indian burn all the C outta my body for 45 minutes. I don't know if I'm doing it right, but I defeated no fab. I know I look like I beat my dick for three and a half miles. I got fucking dick splints. I don't know. It's like I was running a come going, ladies don't know what I'm talking about, but every lady,

So they announced there was no Epstein list and for some reason red band started crying tears of joy and screaming Free at last, free at last. Thank God Almighty, we free At last, a woman from Thailand filmed herself having sex with a bunch of Buddhist monks over a three year period. And the blackmailed millions of dollars out of them to keep quiet about it. Bangkok indeed. Hey, red band. Remember that boy band? 98 Degrees? Yeah. That's 98 more degrees than your dumb ass ever got in college. Fucking idiot. Y'all ever heard of the band? Yes. Well the band Yes. Is coming to town and I saw a recent photo of them and that'll be a no