Kill Tony #704

Why I got a follow star spangled banner n*gga this crazy. Now you know I went back home for Christmas it was great my first thing about Christmas I got a little money now so I like to go give home people food and shit but I like to play games with them. So I went and got for Christmas. It was great. My favorite thing about Christmas I got a little money now, so I like to go give the homeless people food and shit But I like to play games with them So I went and got a hundred pieces of chicken wings and I went to a park with a bunch of homeless people And I gave all the chicken wings to one homeless nigga. And I called it Kam's Hun…

What's up guys? Did you guys know that in Texas alone we have 8,161 indoor shooting ranges? That's a lot. They're easy to find. All you have to do is Google public schools. I don't condone public school shootings. I was a teacher for 11 years [audience starts applauding]. Thank you. Out of out of 11 years, 9 years, my students voted me favorite teacher. Two years my peers nominated me to be the teacher of the school year for the entire district. After talking to my peers and my students, the local police department started referring me as a person of interest. I'm not a teacher anymore. Cause some bitch named Amy in Human Resourc…

Alright, I went to a nightclub and the waitress told me, be careful because people have been getting drugged. And I was like, oh no. Then I went to the toilet and at the urinal next to me, there was a guy peeing and he was staring right at my dick. And I noticed because I was staring right into his eyes. We don't talk much in my family, we don't talk much, we don't even have a group chat. I tried to set up the group chat, but everyone in my family was like, there's already a group. I dated a girl for a while and one day she gave me a 20 by 20 Rubik's Cube. 20 by 20 and she told me if you manage to solve this, I will suck your dic…

Hey Austin, I work in a massive warehouse and my job is as a problem solver. And what I basically do is I'm the high priest of the internet's most fucked up things. Basically, I come into work one day, and I see this thing just staring at me through what I can only describe as an abyss of desire. I pick this thing up to try to figure out what the fuck it is, and I kid you not, it's 65 pounds of just pure, straight, silicone sin. I, uh... Hold on a second, Thomas. Guys, I forgot to say this earlier. Save your booze until the end of the set. eep going, Thomas. Guys, I forgot to say this earlier, save your booze until the end of the…

So I'm glad schools are banning racist books, because my white middle school teacher would read the N-word out loud from a book he wrote. The Adventures of Huckle n*gga n*gga n*gga. My favorite type of women are the ones with a lot of tattoos... because I also, have been molested. Yeah, but I still believe in God. Like one time I was about to fail a test, so I prayed to God. Not even 30 seconds later... 9-11. Thank you God.

So the government has been real hush-hush about the drones. Is it aliens, China, or is Biden looking for his son? He just got pardoned and already gone. We all know that animals are evolving. Coyotes have learned how to drive and started a lucrative human trafficking business. As you grow older, it gets difficult to find your inner-child, especially if you had an abortion.

So, uh, people, they are very curious about my dating life, because I think it's hard for them to imagine that someone would be willing to take all this on. But, uh... Oh, I'll let y'all know, men fuckin' love women that can't run away. And... Y'all know what I'm talkin' about. Rape. I just want to thank Tony for letting me be here. It's really surreal. Like if a 16 year old me could see me now she'd be like Fiona why the fuck are we in a wheelchair?

What's up Austin how you guys feeling tonight? So I just moved to Austin a couple months ago and I've already seen a bunch of fights and the other night I saw the most confusing one yet. It was two non-binary people fighting each other. I turned to the guy next to me and I'm like who's winning? And he's like, they are. And I'm like, who? And he goes, they. And I'm like, okay. How the fuck am I supposed to know which one he's talking about? Well, I guess all that matters is they won.

Hey. What's up? It's good to be here. It's a great time right now to be a comedian at the Comedy Mothership. We all got jobs in the new administration. I'm in charge of agriculture. Fiona Colley is in charge of immigration. She's the new border collie. Tony Hinchcliffe recently got in trouble for calling Puerto Rico an island of garbage, which is a compliment He's from Ohio - which is landlocked garbage. I'm glad Trump is in office again. I can't believe the Democrats shut down the whole country for a disease that only kills old people. What are we going to ban next, stairs? I'm glad COVID happened. It got rid of a horrible group…

What the fuck is up, Austin? My friend has an Indian Siri. It's kind of sketch. I was taking him home one time, and he was like, I got you on the address. And it was like, take a right at the roundabout.". I was like, "bro, I'm not listening to that. It's going to take me to an ATM machine and tell me to dump all the Bitcoin I have.". And he was like, "hey man, stop hating on my Siri. That's my guy. That's my guy. Stop hating on him. And I was like, "dude, I'm not trying to get kidnapped at Microsoft headquarters.". It's not, It's not happening. "Put your ATM card in the machine and dump all of your bank account into the saving a…

I'm tired of pretending that I have to care about homeless people. Cause I fucking hate homeless people. They always come up to you asking you for something they don't need like a dollar. It's like, bitch, you don't even have legs. What are you gonna go spend it on? You know, they never come up to you asking you for something they do need like a piggyback ride to the nearest bridge. That way you can toss them off into the river. That's a win-win, because if they die, they get to move into the house of God. And if they live, they've been stinking up the corner for a week anyway. They can start fresh and clean 20 miles the fuck awa…

Okay, okay. Which one of you bitches do I gotta marry to get this fucking passport, huh? Can be a guy too, I don't give a fuck. I don't care about the gender, I care about the documents. I'll easily suck dick for freedom, you know what I'm saying? And I'm, listen, I'm like a professional immigrant. I know everything about visas. I watch 90 Day Fiance like it's game tape, dude. The key that I've learned, the key is pregnancy. That's why Texas is perfect. No abortion? Sounds like a guarantee! Who's trapping who, bitch? But to be fair, knowing my luck, it would be very me that I do get someone pregnant here but then it turns out she…

I always hear people talk about being the personality hire at their job, but I'm disabled so I do not work. But I was the personality hire at my children's hospital. hire at my children's hospital. And that's a lot to ask of a dying 13 year old. Morale is super low and my jokes just don't kill like cancer on the sixth floor. But honestly being disabled is not that bad. I come with like built-in party tricks. I have two different options for body shots. And I also don't need any alcohol to black out. I'm really easy to date rape. You just have to make me stand still for five minutes and I will hit the fucking floor.

Happy Kwanzaa, son. Oh my gosh, Texas, it is so wonderful to be here tonight. I'm actually wearing this outfit as a sign of respect for the ancient Chinese tradition of Kwanzaa. And I would like in accordance with the scriptures to read some fortune cookies if THAT'S OKAY WITH YOU MUTHAFUCKERS TONIGHT! And take this pitch! Spirit Airlines is going to start a frequent fighter discount where you earn a free trip after only four flights. Okay, I've got 20 in here. So let me. Do you want one of the condoms? Jimmy Carter will die on March 12th, 2025. Okay, I guess FUCKED THAT ONE UP. Okay. I'm CELEBRATING QUANSA KAWNZAA TONIGHT Y'ALL…