Kill Tony #753

Thank you. How we doing? Name's Yang. Fun fact about me. I was adopted by a few white guys ever since I came to the United States at the age of 20. Most comedians call themselves comics. I just get called a Callie as an immigrant. The first question people ask me is always, Hey, are you here by yourself? Do you have family here? And when I tell them no, I don't have family here, they always pity me. They say, oh, I'm sorry you're here alone. I mean, yeah, that's exactly why I'm here. You think I flew 13 hours all the way across the world so I can see them again? I'm here to get away from them. Hello America. Thank you.

I am so happy to be here. I I've actually been going through a depression these last six years, you know, since the pandemic. And it, it started when I lost my dad. Did anybody else lose someone during that time when you couldn't be with your loved ones in their last moments? I sorry to bring the party down, but I got the phone call and the lady was like, is this, is this Tina? And I said, yes. And she said, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but your dad has been pronounced dead. And I was in shock And I was confused because my mom pronounces it. Deadbeat dad, you guys don't have to feel bad for me. I, he didn't leave a will, but I…

Do female Crips menstruate. I just know they don't fuck with blood like that. My girlfriend has the daddy dom little girl kink. If you don't know what that is, that's where she pretends she's a little girl. I'm not into it, but I just want to be a supportive boyfriend. But I don't got kids. I don't know what to do, so I just do what my dad did. I get drunk and beat the shit out of her. We all jerk off in front of our pets. Have you ever came on?

Guys. Believe it or not, I was actually born prematurely. My dad came quick. It's crazy. The other day I was out in public with my dog and it took a shit And I didn't have a bag. And I did that move, you know? And I was like, man, is this what white guilt feels like? Having to make excuses for animals? Alright, you're gonna love this next one. I've been really working on this impression here. I'm gonna hit you with it. Oh yeah boss. They look like a skinny Mexican and they talk like a oh yo yo yo. Oh yo, yo yo Yo. That's the Japanese scene. The Navajo code talkers for the first time. Little history for your ass. Before I was a da…

Hey everybody. Waka wack walk. Nanu Nanu. My mother-in-law survived stage four pancreatic cancer by having her pancreas cut out. That's right. Yeah. My mother-in-law was born in Sendai Japan and in Jap in Japan, they don't have the same diseases that we do. They don't have the same health problems, they don't have pancreatic cancer. So they gave her two choices. They were like, you can either live and we cut out your pancreas or you keep your pancreas in and you die. So she was like, I want to leave. So they cut out her pancreas. So she now has a permanent insulin pump and type three diabetes, which I like to call diabetes. But s…

In my experience, black people listen, are less uptight about race than white people are. You feel how tense the white people are? I used to drive DoorDash in a ski town and let's be honest, not a lot of black people ski. So I was driving DoorDash, this is a true story. And I pulled into a busy parking lot at the base of the ski village to drop off an order. And I called up my guy, I said, Hey, I got your food. I'm pulling up. I'm in a silver Nissan Rogue. And he said, alright, I'm black. I found him. I was surprised he said that. But he was being helpful and actually he was more helpful than I was because there were more silver…

Oh my God, it is so good to be back home. Oh my God. I hate flying. I'm scared of it. And that's not an irrational fear. And I'm tired of people bullying. We not supposed to be up there. Alright. We are not supposed to be up there. And if we were supposed to be up there, then why did God invent gravity? Alright. God wanted us on this ground, not in the air. He wanted us in the air. He would've made us angels. But we not supposed to be up there. We're defying. God. Alright, we are defying God being up there. And I'm not religious, but when that plane start turbo, n*gga, I believe in God. When, when the, when the plane got tubercul…

Thank you. Thank you very much. I've got an embarrassing confession to make. I've recently learned that spilling the beans does not mean fumbling a hot Latina. I don't understand these phrases. I'm from Sudan. I'm not American. I just moved there five years ago. And as you can imagine, I've been misgendering people left and right or stuff like that. Until I learn I'll never have to worry about misgendering. If I just call everybody my nigga. Makes it a whole lot easier for me. Also learned that in America, we don't trust the government. I mean what kind of government shuts down? And then the Air Force said the freezing area 51 pr…

Guys. I've been, I've been microdosing a lot. Like a lot. Probably too much. Just a little bit throughout the day, you know, that's how they say microdose. I've been microdosing cocaine because that's how you do it. If I could afford a macro dose, I would. I can't. They said p diddy had a thousand bottles of lube. P did had a thousand bottles of lube left. You gotta understand LeBron is tall. That's a lot of baby oil. It just makes me wonder like the Oscars and the Grammys, what are these after parties like Epstein's Dead and PDs in jail. They gotta suck dude. Those actors are like, I'm not going the NAFTA parties. He's only got…

Come. Comedy mothership makes some noise. If you're having a good time, let me hear you go. Woo woo. Let me hear you go. Aw tsm, I have it. Could you tell something that doesn't totally make sense about me being on the spectrum is my favorite kind of adult videos. Have lots of eye contact. Thank you. Thank you. Don't you fucking look away. Thank you. Thank you. I'm hard as a rock right now. Thank you. I got four eyes. Look at 'em man. Eyes up here Ladies and gentlemen. I got five eyes. Look at 'em. Okay, six, seven eyes. Look at 'em. So now from from here to here, I just look like a hot lady in one of those Renaissance paintings.…

Good evening, virgins and gentlemen. I am Sheikh Ahmed. I teach a one minute workshop to infidels. How to treat your virgin. First, bend your knees. Second, you throw the hijab at the virgin. Cover yourself up. Cover yourself up. Cover yourself up. And third, you dodge for anything the virgin throws back at you. Hong Kong. I, we have a saying in Middle East. An eye for an eye. And where are the virgins? They should go to Chick-fil-A. The Chick-fil-A. That's where the virgins are. Well, in Middle East we don't have Bring your child to work day because it gets too crowded at seven 11. Anyone needs a ride? My Ubers park outside. Tha…

Howdy. I just moved outta my parents' house for the third time in my life. It's, it's great. 'cause I had to go outside every time I wanted to masturbate. Let me tell you something. Jerking off in a car really sucks. Especially when you don't own one. It's whole, whole lot of door angling, you know? It's a whole new meaning to carjacking. Are y'all familiar with Clifford? Yeah. Hell yeah. We got some readers here in the mothership. It's a good thing he was neutered, right? Yeah. Can you imagine his big red balls just swinging, destroying cities would've been catastrophic. I just lost my father recently. Don't worry. We found him.…

Yikes. That was kind of gross about that guy. Mattel Toy Company has just come out with an autistic version of Barbie and luckily this version still has those great tits. Okay, this next joke is for the ladies. You're like, Hey, if they don't have Monta one, just get Monta three. Yeah. That's like saying, Hey, if the video store doesn't have Godfather part one, just rank Godfather part three. Are you kidding me? One of those is a pharmaceutical masterpiece and the other one, it has its flaws. Okay. All the ladies are laughing at that one out there. That was it. Somebody was telling me how much ice was in Minnesota And I was like,…